Monday 3 October 2011

A Speech by the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, to the Conservative Party Conference, Manchester 2011

Unlike Gordon Brown I respect my work colleagues. Thanks to William Hague and Danny Alexander for making me look clever!

Three sets of people are to blame for the economic crisis that happened 3 years ago. A subject that has been discussed at length ever since:
The last Government for deregulating the banks, something we would never do.
Bankers for lending money and doing stuff I don’t understand.
Europeans for allowing everyone to trade with the same currency: patently a ridiculous idea.
This is a debt crisis caused by debt. The only way to stop debts is to sell off all your stuff to richer people who can then profit from your misery.
I’ve given the Bank of England oversight of the banks to stop them doing bad stuff. They are completely independent. However I’ve told them they have to keep interest rates low or else they’re sacked.
Things are looking bad at the moment. I can’t do anything about this: I’m powerless. We just need to hope for the best, ride out the storm and pray for a day when great prosperity will be bestowed on our people. (Hopefully through cutting public sector jobs and lowering taxes.)
On the subject of tax, I don’t believe in temporary tax cuts however I’m announcing a freeze in council tax for 1 year!
At the Labour Party conference Tony Blair’s name was booed a bit. When you boo Tony Blair’s name you’re booing all the people who ever voted for him, even if they have since realised this was an error, and the whole of middle England! Remember that! Yeah!
(We are all in this together.)
I wrote the independent Vickers Report on banking reform by Sir John Vickers. It is great. Hardly any convincing regulations and some waffle about switching bank accounts! My city mates were very pleased!
One day I want Britain to make stuff. I don’t want to hear about China making an incredibly advanced aircraft, I want us to do that. Some may say, “Wait, didn’t we build the new Nimrod aircraft at enormous cost only for the planes to be torn apart by bulldozers at my behest!” I say, “They were the wrong sort of advanced aircraft, they were built under Labour!”
There was once an Industrial Revolution in Manchester. Industrialists became mega-rich by paying incredibly low wages. I hope those days will return soon.
If the Unions decide to go on strike I’m going to use them as a smokescreen for my failing economic policies. It’s only right! They expect pensions that were promised but haven’t been provided for by successive governments. Too bad. Private sector employees have been ripped off by companies spending their pensions for years and now the public sector can suffer too.
136 years ago the Conservatives brought in the Chimney Sweeper’s Act! That’s the last time we’ll help out low earners. I’m scrapping employment tribunals because in my view employees have no legitimate rights. People should be grateful for any kind of employment. There’s not a lot of it about!
I’ve said we should set up a Green Investment Bank. The UK only produces 2% of the World’s Carbon emissions. We never polluted much in the past either, the industrial revolution was notable for the fine air quality. To be honest, now we’re in power I’ve pretty much given up on all the ‘eco’ claptrap. Go forth and pollute. Everyone else does.
To sum up. The Euro problem is nothing to do with me. Keep your fingers crossed, I’m not changing my plans. I’m not doing anything at any time but I want you to feel like I am. You’re on your own.
Thank you.

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