An exploration of the privatisation of British jungle infrastructure maintenance and its impact on pirate zombie infestations

The centre-right political commentator Stewart Lee has been critical of the UK government’s privatisation of the maintenance of jungle canyon rope bridges. In a recent column for The Independent he claimed that a lack of investment in jungle maintenance has contributed to the incidence of pirate zombie infestations in the UK [1]. This article aims to examine the impact of privatisation on jungle maintenance contracts and the connections, if any, with recorded pirate zombie attacks.

During the 1980s maintenance of Britain’s jungle transport infrastructure was parcelled out to privately run jungle maintenance firms following the sell-off of the British Jungle Maintenance Corporation. Three firms took control of almost 90% of the jungle maintenance market: UK Jungle Maintenance Incorporated, Pirata Limited and Arcanum. [Pirata grew its business throughout the 1990s to eventually control 60% of jungle maintenance contracts.]

The onset of privatisation on 6^th June 1984 corresponded with a halving in investment in UK jungle infrastructure. This came to a head on 13th September 1989 when the Coventry Canyon Bridge Collapse resulted in the deaths of 60 people during the morning rush hour and a further 23 people injured. The sudden failure of a jungle canyon rope bridge prompted emergency inspections of rope bridges throughout Britain; as a result 13 jungle canyon rope bridges were closed for urgent strengthening work. 1990 saw the introduction of a formal inspection regime for jungle canyon rope bridges overseen by the newly instituted Jungle Maintenance Board, JuMBo, led by the Lancastrian academic Sir Bodes Royson and a team of retired jungle maintenance professionals many of whom had been made redundant when the British Jungle Maintenance Corporation was sold off.

The Coventry Canyon Bridge Collapse was one of a series of high profile failures in privately maintained infrastructure that shook the public’s faith in the new privatisation agenda of the Thatcher government. Senior political commentators at the time like the BBC’s John Coles believe this hastened the end of Margaret Thatcher’s reign as Conservative Party leader [2].

The maintenance of jungle canyon rope bridges is a politically important topic in the present day due to the increasing fear of attacks from pirate zombie infestations. As is well documented, pirate zombies are generally confined to the hard to reach areas of the jungle due to their slow movement and inability to overcome the most basic natural obstacles. However, increasing urban expansion and growth in the numbers of jungle pathways has brought commuters ever closer to the areas where pirate zombies are most common and has provided routes whereby pirate zombies can roam closer to suburban areas. Jungle maintenance can be a dangerous job and maintenance crews often demand armed protection when operating deep within the rainforest.

In 2010 it was revealed that the UK’s leading provider of jungle maintenance, Pirata, had been secretly encouraging pirate zombie infestations through its offshore holding company Pirata Holdings Haiti LLC. A small group of mystery-investigating teenagers accompanied by a Great Dane uncovered a plot to discourage rival companies from bidding for contracts by driving up the incidence of pirate zombie attacks. The attacks would mysteriously end when Pirata gained control of the maintenance contracts. A little-known government incentives scheme also allowed Pirata to earn tax credits for the sudden reduction in pirate zombie infestations when they took over the work. Paperwork relating to Pirata’s underhand scheme was discovered by a bespectacled student investigating an abandoned gold mine. Further evidence was forthcoming when a Pirata regional manager was found masquerading as a pirate zombie at a derelict fairground.

Tax justice groups have called for a boycott of all Pirata-maintained jungle canyon rope bridges due to their use of offshore shell companies to shield their profits from tax. One group called Occupy the Jungle have even been clearing their own bespoke jungle pathways. The government’s response to this phenomenon has been to bring in legislation requiring that  all groups of 5 people or less entering the jungle be accompanied by a cowardly dog, a handy bag of biscuit snacks and that they receive training in hiding in incongruously placed barrels while exclaiming, “Like oh no!”

In conclusion, Stewart Lee is right to claim that the privatisation of jungle rope bridge maintenance in the 1980s contributed to an increase in the numbers of pirate zombie infestations. However, he overlooks another significant factor in the increasing use of jungle pathways by psychedelia-influenced adventure-seeking teenagers with canines, often popularised in the media as ‘meddling kids’. The government must further legislate against the creation of unauthorised jungle pathways by meddling kids to stem the resurgence of accompanying pirate zombie infestations and protect the profits of private jungle maintenance enterprises.

The author of this article, John Swaney, received an offer of a year’s paid sabbatical in Barbados working for Pirata Limited just prior to the publication of this article.

[1] Stewart Lee ‘My Worthless Life’ The Independent 31/5/2014

[2] Margaret Thatcher Foundation ‘Interview with John Coles’ 9/4/1992.

Leveson Revisited: The astonishingly poor memory of David Cameron MP

The following quotes are extracted from British Prime Minister David Cameron's evidence to the Leveson Inquiry into the culture , ethics and practices of the press under questioning from Robert Jay QC and Lord Justice Leveson.

Thursday 14th June 2012 10am

p.2 line 10 it's hard to remember
p.21 line 20 I can't remember what I said at the time.
p.42 line 1 I'm never going to remember
p.58 line 9 I don't remember because it was a long time ago
p.58 line 23 I don't remember, I'm afraid. I can't even remember where the dinner was.
p.58 line 25 The trouble with that one is I can't remember where it was, let alone what we talked about.
p.59 line 8 I don't know, no.
p.60 line 8 I don't recall that, I'm afraid.
p.60 line 15 I don't recall what was discussed directly at the lunch.
p.60 line 21 I don't recall the specifics,
p.62 line 4 I don't recall

p.62 line 7 I don't remember the specifics of that conversation
p.64 line 6 I don't recall that, and I think it unlikely.
p.64 line 21 it's difficult to recall all of these events

p.65 line 8 I don't remember
p.66 line 9 I don't particularly recall what was discussed then

p.66 line 19 I don't particularly remember the dinner
p.67 line 1 As I say, I recall the drink, I don't recall the dinner.
p.84 line 20 I don't recall the exact provenance of this whole issue.

p.85 line 2 I can't remember the exact provenance

p.85 line 11 I don't recall.
p.85 line 12 I don't recall the exact conversations.
p.86 line 17 I don't remember
p.99 line 12 I can't remember the exact dates
p.100 line 25 I don't recall, but if George says that, I have no reason to doubt it.
p.101 line 20 I can't recall
p.101 line 23 Q. Can you remember how many conversations? A. No.
p.102 line 21 I can't recall exactly
p.103 line 4 I'm afraid I don't -- I don't recall.
p.107 line 6 I can't remember.
p.119 line 23 I don't recall.
p.119 line 25 I don't recall.
p.120 line 2 I don't remember the instance.

2pm
p.1 line 19 I couldn't recall that when you asked me the question
p.2 line 7 I do not remember it
p.2 line 18 I don't remember. I don't remember the conversation in any great detail.
p.2 line 23 I don't recall that.
p.3 line 6 I can't remember exactly who and when
p.3 line 9 I don't recall many specifics
p.3 line 15 That's not something I recall
p.4 line 2 I don't recall any conversations with Rupert Murdoch about it
p.6 line 10 I don't recall exactly the conversations that took place.
p.6 line 23 I can't remember the exact sequence of events
p.10 line 1 I don't really remember the specifics.
p.10 line 8 I don't recall the specifics
p.13 line 25 I don't recall
p.14 line 8 I don't recall any discussions about it
p.14 line 15 Well, I don't recall discussing it with him
p.14 line 17 I don't recall specific conversations
p.16 line 17 I don't particularly remember this note, and crucially, I didn't recall its existence on the day of 21 December
p.24 line 8 I can't remember every conversation I've ever had
p.24 line 17 I can't remember
p.24 line 20 I can't remember every conversation I've ever had with everybody, nobody can, but I am clear about this conversation I had with James Murdoch on 23 December.
p.25 line 21 I can't remember if it was me or someone else
p.30 line 23 someone -- I can't remember who -- said we must check the public statements of Jeremy Hunt

Transcripts available at

http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20140122145147/http://www.levesoninquiry.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Transcript-of-Morning-Hearing-14-June-2012.txt

http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20140122145147/http://www.levesoninquiry.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Transcript-of-Afternoon-Hearing-14-June-2012.txt

Ed Miliband sets out his political philosophy in an interview with the Government Organisation for Broadcasting at Loughborough University

Nick Anti-Socialist (GOB Chief Political Correspondent): I’m talking today with the leader of Her Majesty’s Most Loyal Opposition, the Right Honourable Ed Miliband MP. Welcome Mr. Miliband.

Ed Miliband: Thanks Nick it’s great to be here in lovely Loughborough on this sunny morning.

Nick: You want to expand welfare spending, disadvantaging hard-working families and ruining their lives why is that?

Ed: Listen Nick I’m all about expanding-cutting welfare spending: that will be my focus if I become Prime Minister in the next parliament. I want to reward hard-working families up and down the country by lowering-raising their taxes and cutting-expanding public services. This is my plan and I intend to deliver it, if elected, as part of my ‘One Nation Building Hard-working Britain First’ campaign.

Nick: So you want to simultaneously cut and expand welfare spending, lower and raise taxes and reduce and enlarge the provision of services like healthcare and education. This approach sounds very similar to that espoused by the Conservative party why should anyone believe you’d do it better, you’re not the most convincing potential Prime Minister are you?

Ed M: My answer to that question is no and yes. I believe that new-old Labour provides all of the answers to the problems of 21^st century Britain but we might not be able to deliver them due to the short-term political need to please a small number of oligopolistic press barons who don’t like paying taxes. My Britain will be one where everyone gets rich and no-one is poor. It will be a Pareto optimal Britain wherein everyone has just the right amount of stuff to fulfil their marginal utility requirements.

Nick: Ummm....yeah. So will I have to pay more tax? Let’s be honest you’re going to raise my taxes aren’t you and more importantly you’re going to raise my editor’s taxes as well?

Ed: Listen Nick, I love-hate the rich and welcome-despise all forms of legal tax avoidance. We will-won’t raise taxes for the rich-poor but this will be offset-accompanied by corresponding tax breaks-rises leading to a net gain-loss for all concerned. Did you know I really like animals?

Nick: So you’re intending to raise taxes on people who are just rich enough to notice if their tax bill goes up and just politically engaged enough to notice the colour of the ties of the people doing it: do you intend to change the colour of your tie?

Ed: I tend to wear a yellow-blue-red tie/no-tie, it’s not important what is important is this growing class of people I call the poor-rich. They are rich but they don’t feel like they’re rich enough, they want their children to attend a Russell group university, live in two or three homes in leafy villages with easy access to motorways, airports and high-speed rail networks but away from noise or pollution. They want high quality local public services but don’t want to see poor people when they use them. They want easy access to a choice of golf courses, five or six foreign holidays a year and a local Waitrose that delivers on Saturday morning at no extra charge. These are the people of Ed Miliband’s Britain: occasionally-working families who tend to ignore the problems of others and work from home at least twice a week. Have I mentioned that I think cancer is terrible and I like watching US political dramas on Netflix?

Nick: Do you hate immigrants Mr. Miliband?

Ed: I do hate immigrants but not as much as some other people who are frankly a bit racist. I think it's OK to be a bit racist as long as you don't say anything too racist in public. I’m the son of immigrants but they were the old-style good immigrants who fled fascism and attempted to fundamentally change the social outlook of Britain, not like these new ones who flee violence and economic hardship in their homelands.

Nick: Your Dad was a mad, raving socialist wasn’t he?

Ed: My Dad love-hated Britain and I embrace-despise everything he stood for.

Nick: You’re not as good-looking as your brother are you? He’d be a much better, nicer Prime Minister than you, wouldn’t he? He wouldn't have tried to raise my taxes. How did you feel when you metaphorically stabbed him in the front at the leadership election?

Ed: I have the utmost dis-respect for my brother. When we were kids he used to steal my political encyclopaedias and cut out the sections on Marxist economic theory and eat them: I’ve always wondered how my view of political history might have been changed if he hadn’t done that.

Nick: Mr. Miliband, I think you are a most unlikely candidate for Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and I think all of the viewers will value my sincerely held government-oriented point of view. I’ve been Nick Anti-Socialist for GOB TV; now back to Martha in the GOB News Centre for a story about the Queen’s dogs.

David Cameron talks to Denzil Haberdasher-Aske in a wide-ranging interview on defence and foreign policy at a plumbing supply warehouse in Swansea.

Denzil Haberdasher-Aske: Good morning Prime Minister

David Cameron: Good morning. It’s good to be here in Swansea; the bathroom accessories are truly imaginatively designed and reasonably priced as are the vehicles supplied by one of the Conservative party’s main sponsors Jaguar Land Rover.

Denzil: You’ve recently helped launch an initiative to end the use of child soldiers in conflicts around the world; please expand on the aims and goals of this difficult to oppose but almost impossible to implement humanitarian programme.

DC: Thanks Denzil that’s exactly the question my press secretary told you, I mean me, that you were going to ask. We aim to end the use of child soldiers in all wars by being photographed with celebrities in carefully controlled central London locations. This will almost certainly gain exposure in mid-market newspapers who will comment on the clothes the celebrities are wearing thereby persuading central African and Asian warlords that the use of child soldiers is economically and socially unsustainable with the by-product that both the celebrities and the politicians will seem a little bit more powerful and caring which is crucial to win over voters and movie audiences.

Denzil: Thank you Prime Minister. May I say your face is glowing splendidly, now onto defence? You’ve just announced new funding for 12 to 18 year-olds to take part in military-themed activities as part of a promotion for pseudo-military youth organisations please explain how this re-announced funding will benefit kids of all ages.

DC: The military is the backbone of this country. It provides the great British values and ideals that we live by and is a shining beacon of morality around the globe. We believe every British child should have the opportunity to experience the discipline of military training, see and feel gunfire, enjoy the passion of war, bullets, cordite, rampaging tanks and ultimately the chance to imagine horrific injuries to their friends and other, less economically-endowed children. We believe in flags and free enterprise. We believe in JCB, hedge funds and low corporate tax rates. We believe the poor should remain poor because they are mostly unable to access the elite education network that our father’s money has bought us.

Denzil: So to clarify, you oppose child soldiers in armies whose strategic aims you oppose but you encourage children to engage in warlike activities to uphold the moral values of the UK as a whole.

DC: Yes, that’s correct war is bad except when we start it, in which case it has a clear moral and spiritual imperative. Church leaders, school teachers, news reporters, chat-show hosts they all have a role to play in promoting the moral purpose of British wars. British wars, as opposed to ‘foreign’ wars, are wonderful humanist adventures that spread our values of free trade; colonialism; low wage labour and resource theft throughout the developing world. Of course some will argue that this is not the way a civilised country should behave but I would argue that they are terrorists denying our children and our children’s children the chance to experience the bountiful spoils that just wars can bring to those rich enough to avoid the huge tax bills that such endeavours inevitably incur.

Denzil: Does it not worry you; Prime Minister that such warmongering destroys millions of lives, breaks up families and simply produces more angry people who wish to destroy imperialist elites?

DC: War brings death but it also brings enormous financial opportunities for private sector companies to rebuild some of that which has been destroyed via overly generous and laxly supervised government-funded rebuilding contracts. It is also a tremendous advert for up-and-coming oligopolistic states to show off the types of high-tech, death-dealing weaponry that we can supply them if they are willing to hand over much of their resource wealth. We win the war then we win the peace then we trigger the next war with poorly reconstructed countries with endemic and exaggerated divisions between ethnic and religious groups. It is constant self-seeding capitalist warfare that becomes more brutal and effective with each of its iterations.

Denzil: That sounded almost intelligent Prime Minister, thank you for your time.

DC: Thanks Dennis, great to meet you, I must leave now as I am leading a trade delegation to the Paris arms fair to try and sell over-complicated fighter jets to India. Ciao.

Denzil: I think we can all agree that you are the most Prime Ministerial Prime Minister of this parliament thank you and bless your shiny face sir.

Conservative Party Conference 2013 Guidelines for Ministers

Tributes (for people you regard as incompetent or irrelevant)

Your colleagues (brilliant)

Margaret Thatcher (a wonderful woman)

George Osborne (genius/saviour/sage/swami/guru)

David Cameron (great/strong leader)

Attacks (for people who mildly disagree with your policies)

Labour (waste money)

Ed Miliband (socialist/Marxist/communist)

Ed Balls (Stalin)

Liberal Democrats (turncoats)

Trade Unions (evil militants)

Unemployed (scum/scroungers)

Immigrants (thieves/terrorists)

Bureaucrats (hopeless fools who enforce our rules)

European Bureaucrats (lunatics)

Catchphrases (aimed at indecisive voters)

Do the right thing

Hard-working families

Sense of entitlement

Something-for-nothing culture

Aspiration

Topics you must not mention (damaging comparisons)

UKIP

Nigel Farage

John Major

Norman Lamont

Anders Behring Breivik

Topics to avoid if possible (potential for embarrassment)

Boris Johnson

Foreign policy

A Christmas Interview with Prime Minister David Cameron

Gareth Wilbertstein: So Prime Minister, another year has passed and the Eurozone sovereign debt crisis continues to roll on: what have you done to contain its effects on the globe and Britain in particular?

David Cameron: I didn't show up at most of the meetings because they don't concern me but when I did I vetoed attempts to bring in tighter fiscal rules for Eurozone countries! My pointless blustering bolstered my standing with the rebellious Eurosceptics in my own party and gave me a brief boost in the polls!

GW: What about Nick Clegg?

DC: Who?

GW: The Liberal Democrats?

DC: Oh....ummm....I think it is in the best interests of the country that they are sidelined by my rhetoric. I don't think they're too happy, but I'm not bothered: they're nowhere in the polls.

GW: How has your posturing helped the UK economy?

DC: It didn't but the continuing crisis gives us a convincing reason why the economy isn't performing. We don't believe in the Euro: we'd be happy if it collapsed but we can't be seen to be happy about it collapsing. Every time I get a chance I just surreptitiously nudge it closer to the edge.

GW: Bailouts for Greece?

DC: No.....we might sneak some money across via the IMF but I don't really believe in helping people out. It's their problem so they can sort it out for themselves.

GW: Higher borrowing forecast, lower growth, higher unemployment, higher inflation, higher taxes: things are going well for George Osborne?

DC: Tough times for some but it's all Labour's fault for following a pattern of financial deregulation that we wholeheartedly approved of at the time. What's great is that we're still arguing for further deregulation of things like employment law, even though that's what caused the crisis! It's all extra profit for our corporate backers: Veuve Clicquot all round!

GW: And finally, the Health Service?

DC: Yes, the NHS, in many ways this is our pet project. We want to show that a state-run monopoly can easily be turned into a corporate monopoly in 3-5 years. The great thing is that corporations generate profits; profits go to share-holders and Chief Executives who then pass the money on to political parties via donations. When I leave office I'm going to have so many companies begging to reward me for feeding their bottom line!

GW: Merry Christmas Prime Minister!

DC: Glad tidings to one and all!

David Cameron’s Speech to the Conservative Party Conference, Manchester 2011

My name is David Cameron. I am a Conservative Party politician and Prime Minister of Great Britain. I’m so proud!

My party never walks on by on the other side, apart from when we’re in a roped off VIP area drinking champagne! We helped out in Libya because there is loads of oil there, we need oil! To the people of Bahrain, Syria, Yemen, Zimbabwe, Plaistow, Rotherham and Hackney I say, “Find some more oil and we’ll help you out too!”

The army and police are great. They wear uniforms.

I wish everybody wasn’t so pessimistic all the time. Hey, I know the Conservatives are in power, I know we told you everything was awful to justify the cuts but look on the bright side, it can’t get any worse, can it?

Well, actually it can get worse, a whole lot worse. The British economy isn’t growing. Greece can’t afford to pay its debts and default could affect a number of major European banks. The western economies are all balancing on the edge of a precipice. This recession isn’t a normal recession, it’s a depression. Excessive government austerity has stalled growth. This is partly our fault. We’ve stood by and watched the Eurozone crisis, unhelpfully shouting, “Sort it out!” every five minutes. Maybe we should be more involved but really we want it all to fail and prove our policies right.

Building an economy is like building a house. We inherited a house that needed significant repairs but George Osborne cut away the foundations and now it is leaning to the right.

Let me say this: I am a halibut. While I am Prime Minister I shall remain a halibut and wish to be referred to as such always.

Of course this is all Labour’s fault, they continued deregulating the financial system to sideline the Conservatives and it all went horribly wrong. Well now we’re back and can continue the deregulation they continued without upsetting any bankers. Those with the most money have nothing to fear when the Conservatives are in office. Why would we do anything to hurt our biggest backers and indeed, ourselves?

To the Unions I say, you were offered jobs with pensions that we have no intention of honouring, so it is only fair that we renege on the deal and blame you for the economic woes of the country. Ha!

I love the NHS, I’m going to use it as a front organisation to channel money to private healthcare firms in the US. These firms will pump some of that money back into the Conservative party via their UK subsidiaries. We can all agree that that is rather clever! It looks like I’m not privatising healthcare when really I am and I’m earning from it!

No more of this can't-do sogginess. Anyone can set-up a pyramid scheme or a hot-house telephone scam offering fictitious government grants for a small initial fee or a bogus charity pretending to collect second-hand clothes for the poor when really they're selling them as new in Tanzania.  This is the Britain I want to see more of: supermarkets selling out of date yoghurts and gone off chickens; lax safety regimes that lead to workers being seriously injured. Put your safety at risk, take off those hard hats remove the safety rails and sell them for scrap. These are the engines of growth in our economy.

We want High Speed Rail, Superfast Broadband and more apprenticeships. We also want to allow house-builders to build on any land they want. Particularly the land in the green belt that has been bought up by land banking schemes and will suddenly increase markedly in value if planning laws are miraculously relaxed. They’ll be thanking us with donations for months. If you don’t like it, get stuffed!

When Labour say they want to fight inequality, what they really mean is they want to oppress the unfairly advantaged. We must fight equality wherever we see it!

Something really massive is happening in this country. The state is funding new religious schools, schools founded by hedge-fund millionaires and failing private schools without requiring  any input into their curriculum or how the money is spent. Councils are having their education funding taken away to give to Academies, leaving the remaining local schools with reduced budgets. We are leading the long road back to rigour, back to pencil and paper, back to textbooks, blackboards and corporal punishment, back to the 1950s and hopefully back to the early 1900s. Mental arithmetic and proper punctuation are what the modern world requires, not computers, the internet and a good understanding of broadcast media: it’s too confusing for their little heads. My child said to me the other day, “Daddy, what’s the cane?”, these kids have no idea. At their age I was smoking cannabis and dreaming of the Bullingdon Club. These are the skills that will produce the under-employed engineers and scientists that currently block up low paid jobs in our economy.

I haven’t finished my speech properly because it didn’t quite work out but here are some disjointed statements to finish up.

Leadership works.

I want to tear down private schools and replace them with state comprehensives, I think?

Youth unemployment, soaring inflation, VAT hikes: the Conservatives are back in government! 

I want to scrap the Human Rights Act. Human rights are not guaranteed for all, I’ll decide who deserves human rights and no-one else. (Beat that Gaddafi!)

I’m going to spend up to £14,000 on everyone who’s been unemployed for five years. Apply now; when it’s gone it’s gone! *Terms and conditions apply, your soul may be repossessed if you claim benefits again or fail to leave the country when asked, Irish Travellers need not apply.

In the 1980s Margaret Thatcher facilitated the sell-off of council houses. A whole generation of council tenants benefited from discounted house prices and subsequently scaled the property ladder. Luckily there isn’t much social housing around anymore but we thought we’d try and sell what’s left, just to be sure.

I don’t believe in true justice, just fast justice. A fair trial is a quick trial, so let’s speed things up and use the savings for tax cuts!

I love kids. I want more childcare, more health visitors and relationship support but I’m a millionaire, so I can pay for it. If you want this stuff marry a fat, old, rich man.

Marriage doesn’t lead to arguments, years of bitterness and extensive emotional distress. It is a sacred institution that I want to reward with money.

Isn’t it great when people do things for free that they are usually paid for. Like when someone gives you a shoeshine and at the end you just say, “Thanks!” and leave without paying  or a waiter brings you your dinner then you say, “Goodnight” and leave without tipping. It’s these little moments that make me feel warm inside, knowing I’ve a saved just a tiny fraction of my fortune for another day.

The only way to make a bigger society is to scrap Health and Safety legislation. Young people need to do National Citizen’s Service. Britannia used to rule the waves until I scrapped the aircraft carriers. I hate armbands. I am a God.

Thank you! 

No parts of this speech were hastily re-written following an overtly negative reaction from the press corp.

A Speech by the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, to the Conservative Party Conference, Manchester 2011

Unlike Gordon Brown I respect my work colleagues. Thanks to William Hague and Danny Alexander for making me look clever!

Three sets of people are to blame for the economic crisis that happened 3 years ago. A subject that has been discussed at length ever since:

The last Government for deregulating the banks, something we would never do.

Bankers for lending money and doing stuff I don’t understand.

Europeans for allowing everyone to trade with the same currency: patently a ridiculous idea.

This is a debt crisis caused by debt. The only way to stop debts is to sell off all your stuff to richer people who can then profit from your misery.

I’ve given the Bank of England oversight of the banks to stop them doing bad stuff. They are completely independent. However I’ve told them they have to keep interest rates low or else they’re sacked.

Things are looking bad at the moment. I can’t do anything about this: I’m powerless. We just need to hope for the best, ride out the storm and pray for a day when great prosperity will be bestowed on our people. (Hopefully through cutting public sector jobs and lowering taxes.)

On the subject of tax, I don’t believe in temporary tax cuts however I’m announcing a freeze in council tax for 1 year!

At the Labour Party conference Tony Blair’s name was booed a bit. When you boo Tony Blair’s name you’re booing all the people who ever voted for him, even if they have since realised this was an error, and the whole of middle England! Remember that! Yeah!

(We are all in this together.)

I wrote the independent Vickers Report on banking reform by Sir John Vickers. It is great. Hardly any convincing regulations and some waffle about switching bank accounts! My city mates were very pleased!

One day I want Britain to make stuff. I don’t want to hear about China making an incredibly advanced aircraft, I want us to do that. Some may say, “Wait, didn’t we build the new Nimrod aircraft at enormous cost only for the planes to be torn apart by bulldozers at my behest!” I say, “They were the wrong sort of advanced aircraft, they were built under Labour!”

There was once an Industrial Revolution in Manchester. Industrialists became mega-rich by paying incredibly low wages. I hope those days will return soon.

If the Unions decide to go on strike I’m going to use them as a smokescreen for my failing economic policies. It’s only right! They expect pensions that were promised but haven’t been provided for by successive governments. Too bad. Private sector employees have been ripped off by companies spending their pensions for years and now the public sector can suffer too.

136 years ago the Conservatives brought in the Chimney Sweeper’s Act! That’s the last time we’ll help out low earners. I’m scrapping employment tribunals because in my view employees have no legitimate rights. People should be grateful for any kind of employment. There’s not a lot of it about!

I’ve said we should set up a Green Investment Bank. The UK only produces 2% of the World’s Carbon emissions. We never polluted much in the past either, the industrial revolution was notable for the fine air quality. To be honest, now we’re in power I’ve pretty much given up on all the ‘eco’ claptrap. Go forth and pollute. Everyone else does.

To sum up. The Euro problem is nothing to do with me. Keep your fingers crossed, I’m not changing my plans. I’m not doing anything at any time but I want you to feel like I am. You’re on your own.

Thank you.

David Cameron's Statement On Three Days Of Rioting in Britain

Let's be clear, this disgusting, sickening, inexcusable criminality must end. I would like to pay tribute to the police and emergency services who have performed bravely in the face of unprecedented violent disorder. We will be bringing in more police from surrounding forces to supplement the police presence tonight. All police leave is cancelled.

There is no excuse for what has occurred over the last three nights: businesses looted and burnt to the ground; high streets smashed; homeowners terrorised: it must stop now. A small minority of criminals are turning London into a no-go zone which is totally unacceptable.

Those found to have been involved in this wanton lawlessness will be tracked down and feel the full force of the law.

Parliament Meets The Murdochs

Chairman: Let’s begin

James Murdoch: Can we write tomorrow’s papers now?

Dreary Chairman: No, I’d like to press on, that will have to wait until the end.

James Murdoch: In that case at least allow us to provide the headline, Dad -

Rupert: Today is the most humble day of my life.

Tom Watson: Mr Murdoch, do you do bad stuff?

James: Can I answer that question?

TW: I’d like to hear your father’s answer.

Rupert: ................................... ......................................nope [Thumps Desk] ....

Tom Watson: Do you know anything about phone hacking at the News Of The World?

James: I might be able to provide a more detailed answer to that question.

Tom Watson: I’d like to hear Mr Murdoch’s answer.

Rupert: [Head Bowed] ....................................the News Of The World [thump]......................I don’t know anything about that [thump, thump, thump].........

James: I can provide all the detail if you would allow me...

Tom Watson: It is very revealing what your Father does and doesn’t know about his business.

James: The News Of The World is only 1% of our business. It is not an important part of our daily operations.

Tom Watson: Did you know that the News Of The World paid out huge sums to Gordon Taylor and Max Clifford in out-of-court settlements for phone hacking?

James Murdoch: We wouldn’t know anything about that. It’s nothing to do with us.

Tom Watson: Did you know that in a prior session this committee accused your executives of collective amnesia over phone hacking?

Rupert Murdoch: .............................I did not know that [smiles]..

Tom Watson: [smiling] Why are you smiling Mr Murdoch?

Rupert Murdoch: ....................When you say amnesia........you really mean lying.......

Bright Blazer Man: Hello Mr and Mr Murdoch. Who runs the News Of The World and who signs off large payments?

Rupert: .........................Les Hinton...............................he was in charge...

Scared Tory: Do you feel let down by those below you and who do you blame?

Rupert Murdoch: ...........I feel let down by them.........and by those below them who let them down...

Tough Scot: Do you regularly meet the Prime Minister?

Rupert: ... I have met him.... occasionally........Not as much as previous Prime Ministers....

Tough Scot: It is recorded that you met the PM at Downing Street, the day after the election, and that you entered by the back door. What was the purpose of this visit?

Rupert: ........I just dropped in........for tea............That was all..

Tough Scot: But you entered by the back door?

Rupert: ......yes.................that was their choice.....................I don’t know why...

Tough Scot: By the back door?

Rupert: ...Yes.

Tough Scot: So you entered by the back door.

Rupert: .....Yes...

Tough Scot: The back door.

Scared Tory: Do you regularly meet Prime Ministers?

Rupert: Yes, I was great mates with Gordon Brown. We went on holiday together, played backgammon, went down the pub, played darts, went shooting, ate foie gras, discussed economics. He was a great guy. I bought a bouncy castle for his kids, made fairy cakes with his wife........but we fell out.......I miss those times.....

Thérèse Coffey:  Why did you close the News Of The World?

Rupert: ............We lost the trust of the readers.....

James Murdoch: The quantum of business was no longer optimal.

Rupert: My Dad exposed the farce of Gallipoli............ so no-one in the British establishment liked me........I’m a rebel............ an outsider............I won people’s hearts with tits, sex scandals and football.....................did I mention that the Sun has extended football coverage every Monday?

James: Everything I did I did because my lawyers and advisors told me to. I can provide written answers to all your questions.

Dreary Chairman: Now a final question from Louise Mensch.

Wendi Murdoch: Oh No!

A foam pie is pushed into Rupert’s face.

Dreary Chairman: We will adjourn for ten minutes.

                                                                                                       

Chairman: We’re very sorry for that assault.

Rupert: It’s OK.

Tom Watson: Mrs Murdoch has a mean left hook.

Louise Mensch: Mr Murdoch do you think you should resign over this affair?

Rupert: .........................Nope................

Chairman: Thank you very much for attending and, once again, sorry for the assault.

David Cameron's Statement to the House 20th July 2011

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron):

There are many ways to clean up a mess: some people would simply remove it in its entirety, I favour smearing it around until it has virtually disappeared, sweeping a little bit under everybody's door and hoping for the best.

I will now smear everyone with a little bit of muck. Firstly I will deposit a large quantity on the police. They are rubbish but brave, dishonest but wholesome. I propose that the police no longer promote from within and that I be allowed to ferry in anyone I like to the top policing jobs. That's the police comprehensively smeared and put down, let's be clear.

On the subject of the emails between Assistant Commissioner John Yates and my Chief Of Staff Ed Llewellyn: my staff have investigated themselves and found themselves to be entirely in the right. That's my staff wiped clean around the mouth with a hankie.

As for the BSkyB bid I wasn't involved and my staff have told me I did everything right. The Cabinet Secretary says everything was, and is, fine. He has inspected my backside and my coat-tails and found them to be entirely clean and unruffled.

I've never met Neil Wallis and neither have any of my friends. All of my friends are shiny and bright, almost sparklingly bright and shiny. They are clean.

As for Andy Coulson - he should go to prison!

Now let's not have any of that cheap political point-scoring like I used to do!


Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab):

You are tragic and incompetent.

PMQs 13th July 2011: Cameron Gets His Ass Kicked

PRIME MINISTER

The Prime Minister was asked-

Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab): You love Murdoch, don't you?

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron): You're the Murdoch lover, my relationship is purely professional. Phone hacking is absolutely disgusting and what has happened to the families of dead soldiers, Milly Dowler and the victims of terrorist attacks is absolutely disgusting.

Ed M: Rebekah Brooks disgusts me but you seem to love her. Would you like to express your love now?

PM: She's alright but my relationship with her is not intimate. If she wants to resign she can but it has nothing to do with me.

Ed M: You seem intent on pushing through the Murdoch bid for BSkyB: this seems nuts. Why not give it up you pasty-faced no-mark.

PM: I'm totally happy with Mr Murdoch taking full control of BSkyB, he almost helped win me an election and I can't let him down in case he switches sides again. I think the gentleman should examine his own position regarding the Murdochs.

Ed M: I'm not Blair, I'm not Brown, I'm Miliband, Ed Miliband. I don't need rich supporters, I'm going to slay the Beast and then slay those that feed him! Why do you love Andy Coulson? He's a crimbo and a particularly dislikeable crimbo at that!

PM: I hate phone hackers and the Murdochs will have to account for their own actions, and what's happened is disgusting: the hacking of dead soldier's phones, murder victims and all that stuff. It's absolutely disgusting, all of it.

A Brief Interview with the Prime Minister, Mr. David Cameron, as He Reaches One Year in Office

Peter Snootles: So Prime Minister, you've been in office for almost a year, what are your thoughts?

David Cameron: I like the power but I'm not so keen on being booed! We're just trying to implement the Thatcherite policies that everyone loved in the 80s but with a 21st century marketing strategy. I don't understand why people have a problem with that. In my world everything is black or white, right or wrong. There's none of that wishy-washy stuff like Tony Blair: in my view Thatcher was right and our policies are right.

Peter: In the election campaign you were quite ardent that the NHS would not be changed in any way under a Conservative administration. In government you have immediately set out plans to sell it off and break it up. Explain.

David: I recognise that the NHS is very important to people. Millions of people are employed by the NHS and we needed their votes to win an election. On the day of the election I immediately realised that my statements were misleading and could have been misconstrued: I apologise for that. The NHS needs radical reform if we're to lower taxes in the future. Andrew Lansley has been planning his changes for the last 13 years so it would be a shame to call him off now.

Peter: Nevertheless, you are reviewing the policy?

David: Yes, I'm saving the NHS from these despicable reforms.

Peter: Nothing to do with Nick Clegg?

David: No, the changes are mine, but they'll most likely be quite light and superficial: that's the way I roll!

Peter: So you are saving the NHS from your own reforms?

David: Yes.

Peter: In opposition you made great play of a perceived lack of support for the Armed Forces by Gordon Brown.

David: That's true.

Peter: Yet as soon as you gained power you made scything cuts to the Defence budget.

David: The Labour government wasted billions on defence and embarked on controversial wars that were hugely unpopular.

Peter: You supported the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and the Iraq conflict could not have proceeded without Conservative support in the House of Commons. You have now embarked on a war in Libya.

David: Our involvement in Libya is really a token gesture. I couldn't let Sarkozy take all the credit! We have committed a few planes, a couple of ships and a submarine. They'll all be sold off when they return home.

Peter: David Cameron, Prime Minister of Great Britain, thank you for joining me.

Maggie Thatcher's Guide to Government

Part 1
1.1 Make big cuts to public expenditure.
1.2 Try to hide the cuts by having a royal wedding and get involved in a war you should easily win against a mediocre regime, preferably one you have previously sold arms to. (This advertises your latest range of arms over the previous generation and will help compensate arms companies facing defence cut-backs.)
1.3 Run down, sell off and close all state-owned industry. (This gives the treasury a large cash windfall for pre-election tax cuts.)
1.4 Set up enterprise zones to look like you care about run-down areas.
1.5 Gerrymander constituency boundaries to ensure your opponent's support is heavily diluted.
1.6 Belittle your opponents and take strong for or against stances on every issue.

Part 2
2.1 Lower taxes
2.2 Continue to under-fund all public services and infrastructure.
2.3 Move long-term unemployed, created by the sell-off of industry, onto disability benefit to reduce the unemployment figure.
2.4 Get into bed with France and the US to cater for big cuts in defence spending.
2.5 Continue to privatise and sell off services and infrastructure owned by the state. By now they will be appallingly poorly funded so the service provided will be poor.
2.6 Try to engineer social change through taxation.
2.7 Go ahead with one large-scale infrastructure project that will grab headlines.

Remember to play to your base, the well-off in Southern England. Attract poorer voters with self-improvement rhetoric, 'You can be rich too!'.

When the economic cycle reaches recession you will eventually be voted out.

Questions and Answers with Education Secretary Michael Gove

Simon Lime: You've cancelled Labour's school-building programme, claiming it was grossly inefficient and costly. What are you proposing instead?

Michael Gove: I'm glad you've asked me this question Simon. Yes, the shockingly wasteful Labour government spent millions of pounds on pointlessly ambitious school buildings with top class facilities and inspiring architecture. I have a raft of proposals that will radically reform the schools system and provide more new schools for a fraction of the cost.

Simon: What are your proposals?

Michael: We propose special education zones where building regulations can be relaxed to allow companies and collectives to develop ultra-cheap school buildings for the poor. Since the sad decline in factory farming many chicken sheds and such-like have fallen out of use. These disused environments could be converted into Free Schools for disadvantaged children. They may lack windows and central heating but think of the savings in bills and maintenance. THE POOR MUST BE EDUCATED!

The 'chicken shed' approach would allow for much larger classes, thus cutting the number of teachers required. Also, by doing away with chairs and tables the space can double as a sports hall.

Simon: What are the changes you want to see in the school curriculum?

Michael:  I want to see a return to traditional values in education. The Romans, the Victorians, go-getters, the Royals, long division, spelling tests, Latin, reeling off world capital cities, solving equations by hand, learning facts by heart, that kind of thing.

Simon: So no history of the atom bomb, either of the Great Wars or industrialisation? No mention of socialism, communism or revolution, and no analysis of slavery, colonialisation and unionisation.

Michael: No, none of that, strictly non-twentieth century stuff, it's not proper history because it's just too recent and not relevant. We want tales of grandeur, splendour, battles won, battles lost. Nothing too nuanced.

Simon: You wouldn't like to acknowledge the birth of the internet and home computing?

Michael: No you see that is partly where we've gone wrong. All this technology has taken away our ability to remember facts. Text speak and mobile phones have corrupted our language, we should be independent of computers and technology, not dependent.

Simon:  So you don't acknowledge technology of the last 60 years?

Michael:  I use it, but you know, what's wrong with a pen and paper?

Simon: Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Education, thank you.

An Extract from Prime Minister's Questions 30th March 2011

House of Commons

Wednesday 30th March 2011

PRIME MINISTER

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron): Congratulations on getting engaged, you d***.

Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab): You're not invited to the wedding because I've heard you used to smash up restaurants, s***stick.

You lied about tuition fees.

The Prime Minister: I don't recall that.

Edward Miliband: You said that fees of £9000 would be the exception not the rule.

The Prime Minister: My lies about tuition fees are justified by your lies about tuition fees.

Edward Miliband: You're cutting police officers when you try to claim that you aren't.

The Prime Minister: I'm not cutting police officers, you're the one who's cutting police officers!

Edward Miliband: You are cutting police officers, everyone says so!

The Prime Minister: I'm not cutting police officers, you are the ones who would be cutting police officers!

Edward Miliband: You are definitely cutting police officers, I am not.

The Prime Minister: I'm not cutting police officers. You are an arse.

Conservative Benches: More! More!

House Of Commons Debate on UN Security Council Resolution 1973

House Of Commons

Monday 21st March 2011

UN Security Council Resolution 1973

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron): I am focused and earnest.

Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab): I am the Prime Minister.

The Prime Minister: I don't like you.

Edward Miliband: When will you grow up?

The Prime Minister: What is your policy on Libya?

Edward Miliband: My policy is the same as yours but I have been more careful and considerate in forming my opinion.

Edmund Wonder (Billericay) (Con): Why don't you show yourself up by putting forward an ill-judged opinion?

Edward Miliband: I have carefully considered my position and it is the same as the government, who have an army of civil servants telling them what to say.

Norman Sunder (East Stowe) (LD): We completely support war now that we are in government: can I recommend we sell arms to the rebels?

 

Edward Miliband: I don't believe our actions should exceed the limitations of the United Nations Security Council Resolution.

 

John Redwood (Wokingham) (Con): Tony Blair once hugged Gaddafi: Are you a dictator-hugger?
 

Edward Miliband: Tony Blair was entirely right to hug Gaddafi as he was pretending to be his friend in exchange for money.

Craig N'Ewbie (Eversholt) (Con): I don't really understand what's going on. Can you repeat everything you just said?

An Extract from Prime Minister's Questions 16th March 2011

House of Commons

Wednesday 16th March 2011

PRIME MINISTER

The Prime Minister was asked-

Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab): Why are you  f******-over poor people you big wazzock?

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron): You disgust me, you socialist, turncoat, backstabbing liar!

Edward Miliband: Answer the question, you slimy s***.

The Prime Minister: I have never hurt anyone but you consistently beat up homeless people when you were in power, and your dad is a f***wit.

Edward Miliband: I love the homeless and regularly feed them bread in my free evenings, of which I have many. Are you an arsewipe?

The Prime Minister: The honourable gentleman is a man of no reputation, has no friends, no talents, he deceives and lies; but worst of all he wastes rich people's money. What a socialist f***face.

Edward Miliband: When are you going to answer a question you pre-scripted, public school automaton?

The Prime Minister: I have smart clothes and friends who speak proper. I'm middle-class and so are all my mates. We use breadmakers and stuff like that so let's keep this civil, you dishonourable, communist dirtbag.

Edward Miliband: I'll take my red flag and stick it up your public school bottom. Your face looks like a giant pastry. I will eat your head for lunch then dismember your body and feed it to pigs.

The Prime Minister: No answers, no plans, no credibility. I like your brother more than you and so do all your friends. Goodbye.

David Brownnose (Buckingham South) (Con): I've heard the PM loves children and animals, but the leader of the opposition doesn't: is this true?

The Prime Minister: I do indeed like children, in a paternal way, but isn't it typical of the socialists opposite and their bitter twisted thinking, that they dislike children and animals so much.

Simon Socialconscience (East Riding) (Lab): Why is the Prime Minister closing a very important debt advice service in my constituency?

The Prime Minister: I'm very sorry to hear that it is closing but unfortunately your party leader spent all the money on pointless, wasteful mobile dinners for the elderly, so it has to close.

Celia Shufflebotham (North Norfolk) (Con): How long will these dreadful socialists keep moaning on about people earning money?

The Prime Minister: I support those who earn money but it is clear that the opposition do not. They say it all the time, "Ner, ner, ner, give me your money so I can spend it on hopeless, ballet-dancing wasters," etcetera.

David Cameron's response to his Statement of Yesterday

Following my (amended) 'Promise to the People of Great Britain' yesterday I would like to clarify a number of points. Although I am acquainted with the Bank of Richer People, they are not my friends and, indeed, I am not a member of said organisation.

I also stated that business people favour lower taxes because taxes cost them money. I should clarify that large businesses avoid the majority of taxes through off-shoring so lowering taxes merely allows them to attend the tennis and cricket more regularly.

Yours sincerely,

Rt. Hon. David Cameron
Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

Cameron's Arc: My Promise to the people of Great Britain (well, mostly England actually)

We are nice people; we care. We will support nice things and improve the things that annoy you. The people in charge are bad, very bad, they are nasty bullies. We aren't like them except we will do the things that they do that you like, without being bullies. There will be cuts, but not to the things you like. The National Health Service will not be changed, at all, because we know you like it. Also, nice things for kids won't be cut, because 'hard-working (not lazy) families' like them. We will cut taxes proposed by the bullies and use the money we save from cutting taxes to pay for 'cancer drugs', because we don't like cancer and neither do you. So we'll cut taxes and give you more stuff you like.

No-one will have to lose their jobs because the bullies in charge are not only dislikeable but also inefficient. They spend money on stuff we don't see and don't need so we will cut this stuff and pay off the money the government gave to the banks because of their shocking incompetence. (We used to want to be like Ireland, with really low taxes and much less regulation, but now Ireland has gone bust so we don't want to be like them anymore, or at least that's what we're saying for now.) Anything that is bad is nothing to do with us: we're good and all our friends say so, the tycoon-owned press and rich, tax-avoiding business people for example. They know low taxes are right because taxes cost them money.


ADDENDUM
The money we thought we had was spent on grossly inefficient projects like schools, hospitals, aeroplanes and ships. We're getting rid of all that because the money was wasted. These items were bought using loans that we want to pay off, it's like a giant credit card that no-one ever told us about. Don't fear though because we are friends with the Bank of Richer People, who gave us the loans, and have assured them the situation will be dealt with swiftly. Unfortunately we told them you were mostly going to have to lose your jobs. Don't fear because we will create new jobs somehow, by cutting regulations (like stuff that stops people dying or being ripped off) and devaluing currency we will make British products much cheaper for foreigners to buy. (The downside is the majority of stuff you buy is made overseas and will thus be more expensive.) Those who keep their jobs will be paid less for working longer hours and everything will cost more. Once we have paid off the richer people (not our friends!) we will cut taxes to ensure you still like us.

Sadly, what we said about the NHS was a mistake, the stuff you like is all going to have to go after all, but hey, we're nice and we're right, all our friends say so, so listen to them, not those other guys, the incompetent ones who have no plans( which we have not copied) and aren't friends with richer people (well they were for a bit).

Love,

Dave, Michael, William (not Gay) and George