David Cameron: I didn't show up at most of the meetings because they don't concern me but when I did I vetoed attempts to bring in tighter fiscal rules for Eurozone countries! My pointless blustering bolstered my standing with the rebellious Eurosceptics in my own party and gave me a brief boost in the polls!
GW: What about Nick Clegg?
DC: Who?
GW: The Liberal Democrats?
DC: Oh....ummm....I think it is in the best interests of the country that they are sidelined by my rhetoric. I don't think they're too happy, but I'm not bothered: they're nowhere in the polls.
GW: How has your posturing helped the UK economy?
DC: It didn't but the continuing crisis gives us a convincing reason why the economy isn't performing. We don't believe in the Euro: we'd be happy if it collapsed but we can't be seen to be happy about it collapsing. Every time I get a chance I just surreptitiously nudge it closer to the edge.
GW: Bailouts for Greece?
DC: No.....we might sneak some money across via the IMF but I don't really believe in helping people out. It's their problem so they can sort it out for themselves.
GW: Higher borrowing forecast, lower growth, higher unemployment, higher inflation, higher taxes: things are going well for George Osborne?
DC: Tough times for some but it's all Labour's fault for following a pattern of financial deregulation that we wholeheartedly approved of at the time. What's great is that we're still arguing for further deregulation of things like employment law, even though that's what caused the crisis! It's all extra profit for our corporate backers: Veuve Clicquot all round!
GW: And finally, the Health Service?
DC: Yes, the NHS, in many ways this is our pet project. We want to show that a state-run monopoly can easily be turned into a corporate monopoly in 3-5 years. The great thing is that corporations generate profits; profits go to share-holders and Chief Executives who then pass the money on to political parties via donations. When I leave office I'm going to have so many companies begging to reward me for feeding their bottom line!
GW: Merry Christmas Prime Minister!
DC: Glad tidings to one and all!
