Storytime, with Matt

The daily fairytale. It’s no coincidence that government briefings tend to happen at 5pm.

Randy Pandy (played by Matt): Hello children, here is today’s story. It’s important that you remember that we are nice people, just like you. We mean you no harm and always have your best interests at heart. We love you and your family. We’ll be there for you when you need us. Some of you might be feeling a bit poorly today. We’re sorry to hear that. It is desperately sad. We hope you will get better. Sadly, not all of you will. That is an unavoidable tragedy but be reassured that your deaths are heroic. You are heroes and will be honoured with cut-price funerals attended by a minimal number of mourners. If you’ve been really good, we will put a silver sticker on your coffin and maybe even a single cut flower.

Our technicians have created some wonderful games for you to play on your phone during home-stay. You can play them and help us track down the naughty people who aren’t obeying all of our instructions. They are spreading the illness. If we stop them then we’ll all miraculously get better. That’s what the clever people are telling us. Please download the games, EVERYONE, as they will make you feel like you are contributing to our probably fruitless efforts to combat the poorliness that has mysteriously beset so many. Your personal information will only be shared with far-right organisations in the US. Remember STAY INSIDE. If you feel unwell, call your local life-cessation advice line and they will arrange for a fresh body-bag to be delivered, usually within five working days. If breathing becomes difficult just unlock your door, roll inside and someone will call, after you expire, to zip you in. We aim to get you zipped up within a target timeframe of 48 hours.

Now for some questions, Laura (Tartan Sockpuppet), you look like you might not last till the end, better let you go first!

Tartan Sockpuppet (Laura): Thank you, such a beneficial and munificent aura you have today minister! Yesterday’s storytime mentioned that tomorrow, i.e. today, we would have jam and scones at storytime, yet we see no jam and no scones, please explain?

Randy Pandy (Matt): Ah yes, wonderful question Laura, and one that I rather expected: we must be telepathic! Yes, you must remember, Laura, that yesterday’s stories don’t necessarily share continuity with today’s. Whereas, sometimes stories are episodic and share characters who may progress, go on a journey, if you like, over multiple episodes, our stories are not like that. Our stories very much live only in that moment, for that brief beautiful moment when we are together, just before bedtime. They are a means of conveying momentary comfort. We don’t expect you to remember what happened yesterday. They are just stories. If you remember a promise of jam and bread, or even scones, then I must take you at your word, but I have no such recollection. However, the absence of jam, bread, or even scones, would seem to indicate that no such promise was made and if we can be sure of anything then it is that we would never break such a solemn promise, even if it were, as such, made in jest.

Does that answer your question?

Tartan sockpuppet (Laura): Yes, thank you minister. It is clear to me now that no such promise was made. We’re very grateful for your clarity on this important but also somewhat frivolous matter. To be clear, was it scones or bread that was promised?

Randy Pandy (Matt): I think bread. OK, next question, Colin (Cashmere sockpuppet)?

Cashmere sockpuppet (Colin): Thank you minister. Your hair looks nice and your smile is a joy. At yesterday’s storytime, if my memory serves me well: I accept it may be faulty, I feel that it was indicated that not only would we have jam and scones but the nice people bringing us these delicious treats would wear masks, gloves and aprons, just in case we were feeling poorly, so they wouldn’t get sick. Please could you tell us if you have provided these gloves, masks and suchlike to keep us all safe from the insidious sickness that seems to be affecting so many?

Randy Pandy (Matt): Thank you Colin (Cashmere sockpuppet). I’ll hand that question over to my assistant Bev (Slipper sockpuppet). Bev.

Slipper sockpuppet (Bev): Yes, thank you for your question Colin. It is a very important issue for all of us at storytime. The safety of those looking after us is vital and has been at the forefront of all of our minds, especially those serving our refreshments. I can reassure you that every effort is being made to ensure the safety of our hardworking first refreshers and that we discuss this everyday, for at least five minutes. Matt is always saying, “Cor! It’s so brave of those people to serve us without any protective equipment whatsoever. We could have the virus, they could have the virus, anyone could: So brave!”

Randy Pandy (Matt): We don’t want to create an impression of panic or alarm during storytime. People want to be comforted. I appreciate that. I can reassure you that we are doing everything in our power to look after these heroes, because that is what they are. Absolute bloody heroes! There would be no storytime if it wasn’t for them. That’s why I have commissioned a special set of storytime badges for all of them, so they know how special they are. I was just saying to my dearest mother the other day, “Oh, they are such heroes!” and she agreed with me entirely. I’m a regular guy, just like you Colin, but I’m trying to do an impossible job, to the best of my ability in trying circumstances, but we will succeed. I’m sure of it. We just have to keep on going; telling the stories everyday; keeping you happy; maintaining that upbeat, chirpy, go-get-’em attitude. We’re gonna get through this, Colin.

Cashmere sockpuppet (Colin): Thank you minister. So no masks, gloves and aprons, as such, yet, but maybe tomorrow? Thank you.

Pinstripe sockpuppet (Rashid): Minister, a lot of people are dying from this mysterious sickness, it is very distressing, stock markets have crashed, currencies have weakened, government debt is ballooning, what do all these deaths mean for the economy?

Randy Pandy (Matt): Ah, thank you Rashid. The economy is something very close to my heart. I think about this all the time - but what about the economy? The economy. The economy. After every storytime I put on my slippers, sip some ovaltine, or whatever it is normal people drink, and think about the economy. I’m usually holding my mug very tightly, with both hands. It is obviously sad that people have died, we can’t deny that, but as grown-ups we must look at the bigger picture. Numbers. People can die but the economy can never stop. It must continue. Without the economy our lives have no meaning. It is everything. The economy. I hope to kickstart the economy soon. As soon as possible. It is the number one priority for everybody at storytime. I can assure you - we’ve got this, we’re on it. We’ll get it sorted, ASAP. Those numbers will be trending upwards in no time. Worry a bit, but not too much. You can trust us, on the economy.

Pinstripe sockpuppet (Rashid): Thank you minister. I’m sure everyone will be reassured by your unfounded confidence.

Randy Pandy (Matt): OK, everyone, that’s been a lovely storytime review, I’m sure you’ll all agree. Some lovely but searching questions were asked and I think they have been comprehensively answered. Thank you, stay at home, don’t go out, trust us. Goodnight everyone. Don’t die! Stop the dying, it’s no good for anyone. OK, goodnight. Bye. Bye. Goodnight. Download the app!

An exploration of the privatisation of British jungle infrastructure maintenance and its impact on pirate zombie infestations

The centre-right political commentator Stewart Lee has been critical of the UK government’s privatisation of the maintenance of jungle canyon rope bridges. In a recent column for The Independent he claimed that a lack of investment in jungle maintenance has contributed to the incidence of pirate zombie infestations in the UK [1]. This article aims to examine the impact of privatisation on jungle maintenance contracts and the connections, if any, with recorded pirate zombie attacks.

During the 1980s maintenance of Britain’s jungle transport infrastructure was parcelled out to privately run jungle maintenance firms following the sell-off of the British Jungle Maintenance Corporation. Three firms took control of almost 90% of the jungle maintenance market: UK Jungle Maintenance Incorporated, Pirata Limited and Arcanum. [Pirata grew its business throughout the 1990s to eventually control 60% of jungle maintenance contracts.]

The onset of privatisation on 6^th June 1984 corresponded with a halving in investment in UK jungle infrastructure. This came to a head on 13th September 1989 when the Coventry Canyon Bridge Collapse resulted in the deaths of 60 people during the morning rush hour and a further 23 people injured. The sudden failure of a jungle canyon rope bridge prompted emergency inspections of rope bridges throughout Britain; as a result 13 jungle canyon rope bridges were closed for urgent strengthening work. 1990 saw the introduction of a formal inspection regime for jungle canyon rope bridges overseen by the newly instituted Jungle Maintenance Board, JuMBo, led by the Lancastrian academic Sir Bodes Royson and a team of retired jungle maintenance professionals many of whom had been made redundant when the British Jungle Maintenance Corporation was sold off.

The Coventry Canyon Bridge Collapse was one of a series of high profile failures in privately maintained infrastructure that shook the public’s faith in the new privatisation agenda of the Thatcher government. Senior political commentators at the time like the BBC’s John Coles believe this hastened the end of Margaret Thatcher’s reign as Conservative Party leader [2].

The maintenance of jungle canyon rope bridges is a politically important topic in the present day due to the increasing fear of attacks from pirate zombie infestations. As is well documented, pirate zombies are generally confined to the hard to reach areas of the jungle due to their slow movement and inability to overcome the most basic natural obstacles. However, increasing urban expansion and growth in the numbers of jungle pathways has brought commuters ever closer to the areas where pirate zombies are most common and has provided routes whereby pirate zombies can roam closer to suburban areas. Jungle maintenance can be a dangerous job and maintenance crews often demand armed protection when operating deep within the rainforest.

In 2010 it was revealed that the UK’s leading provider of jungle maintenance, Pirata, had been secretly encouraging pirate zombie infestations through its offshore holding company Pirata Holdings Haiti LLC. A small group of mystery-investigating teenagers accompanied by a Great Dane uncovered a plot to discourage rival companies from bidding for contracts by driving up the incidence of pirate zombie attacks. The attacks would mysteriously end when Pirata gained control of the maintenance contracts. A little-known government incentives scheme also allowed Pirata to earn tax credits for the sudden reduction in pirate zombie infestations when they took over the work. Paperwork relating to Pirata’s underhand scheme was discovered by a bespectacled student investigating an abandoned gold mine. Further evidence was forthcoming when a Pirata regional manager was found masquerading as a pirate zombie at a derelict fairground.

Tax justice groups have called for a boycott of all Pirata-maintained jungle canyon rope bridges due to their use of offshore shell companies to shield their profits from tax. One group called Occupy the Jungle have even been clearing their own bespoke jungle pathways. The government’s response to this phenomenon has been to bring in legislation requiring that  all groups of 5 people or less entering the jungle be accompanied by a cowardly dog, a handy bag of biscuit snacks and that they receive training in hiding in incongruously placed barrels while exclaiming, “Like oh no!”

In conclusion, Stewart Lee is right to claim that the privatisation of jungle rope bridge maintenance in the 1980s contributed to an increase in the numbers of pirate zombie infestations. However, he overlooks another significant factor in the increasing use of jungle pathways by psychedelia-influenced adventure-seeking teenagers with canines, often popularised in the media as ‘meddling kids’. The government must further legislate against the creation of unauthorised jungle pathways by meddling kids to stem the resurgence of accompanying pirate zombie infestations and protect the profits of private jungle maintenance enterprises.

The author of this article, John Swaney, received an offer of a year’s paid sabbatical in Barbados working for Pirata Limited just prior to the publication of this article.

[1] Stewart Lee ‘My Worthless Life’ The Independent 31/5/2014

[2] Margaret Thatcher Foundation ‘Interview with John Coles’ 9/4/1992.

Leveson Revisited: The astonishingly poor memory of David Cameron MP

The following quotes are extracted from British Prime Minister David Cameron's evidence to the Leveson Inquiry into the culture , ethics and practices of the press under questioning from Robert Jay QC and Lord Justice Leveson.

Thursday 14th June 2012 10am

p.2 line 10 it's hard to remember
p.21 line 20 I can't remember what I said at the time.
p.42 line 1 I'm never going to remember
p.58 line 9 I don't remember because it was a long time ago
p.58 line 23 I don't remember, I'm afraid. I can't even remember where the dinner was.
p.58 line 25 The trouble with that one is I can't remember where it was, let alone what we talked about.
p.59 line 8 I don't know, no.
p.60 line 8 I don't recall that, I'm afraid.
p.60 line 15 I don't recall what was discussed directly at the lunch.
p.60 line 21 I don't recall the specifics,
p.62 line 4 I don't recall

p.62 line 7 I don't remember the specifics of that conversation
p.64 line 6 I don't recall that, and I think it unlikely.
p.64 line 21 it's difficult to recall all of these events

p.65 line 8 I don't remember
p.66 line 9 I don't particularly recall what was discussed then

p.66 line 19 I don't particularly remember the dinner
p.67 line 1 As I say, I recall the drink, I don't recall the dinner.
p.84 line 20 I don't recall the exact provenance of this whole issue.

p.85 line 2 I can't remember the exact provenance

p.85 line 11 I don't recall.
p.85 line 12 I don't recall the exact conversations.
p.86 line 17 I don't remember
p.99 line 12 I can't remember the exact dates
p.100 line 25 I don't recall, but if George says that, I have no reason to doubt it.
p.101 line 20 I can't recall
p.101 line 23 Q. Can you remember how many conversations? A. No.
p.102 line 21 I can't recall exactly
p.103 line 4 I'm afraid I don't -- I don't recall.
p.107 line 6 I can't remember.
p.119 line 23 I don't recall.
p.119 line 25 I don't recall.
p.120 line 2 I don't remember the instance.

2pm
p.1 line 19 I couldn't recall that when you asked me the question
p.2 line 7 I do not remember it
p.2 line 18 I don't remember. I don't remember the conversation in any great detail.
p.2 line 23 I don't recall that.
p.3 line 6 I can't remember exactly who and when
p.3 line 9 I don't recall many specifics
p.3 line 15 That's not something I recall
p.4 line 2 I don't recall any conversations with Rupert Murdoch about it
p.6 line 10 I don't recall exactly the conversations that took place.
p.6 line 23 I can't remember the exact sequence of events
p.10 line 1 I don't really remember the specifics.
p.10 line 8 I don't recall the specifics
p.13 line 25 I don't recall
p.14 line 8 I don't recall any discussions about it
p.14 line 15 Well, I don't recall discussing it with him
p.14 line 17 I don't recall specific conversations
p.16 line 17 I don't particularly remember this note, and crucially, I didn't recall its existence on the day of 21 December
p.24 line 8 I can't remember every conversation I've ever had
p.24 line 17 I can't remember
p.24 line 20 I can't remember every conversation I've ever had with everybody, nobody can, but I am clear about this conversation I had with James Murdoch on 23 December.
p.25 line 21 I can't remember if it was me or someone else
p.30 line 23 someone -- I can't remember who -- said we must check the public statements of Jeremy Hunt

Transcripts available at

http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20140122145147/http://www.levesoninquiry.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Transcript-of-Morning-Hearing-14-June-2012.txt

http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20140122145147/http://www.levesoninquiry.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Transcript-of-Afternoon-Hearing-14-June-2012.txt

Ed Miliband sets out his political philosophy in an interview with the Government Organisation for Broadcasting at Loughborough University

Nick Anti-Socialist (GOB Chief Political Correspondent): I’m talking today with the leader of Her Majesty’s Most Loyal Opposition, the Right Honourable Ed Miliband MP. Welcome Mr. Miliband.

Ed Miliband: Thanks Nick it’s great to be here in lovely Loughborough on this sunny morning.

Nick: You want to expand welfare spending, disadvantaging hard-working families and ruining their lives why is that?

Ed: Listen Nick I’m all about expanding-cutting welfare spending: that will be my focus if I become Prime Minister in the next parliament. I want to reward hard-working families up and down the country by lowering-raising their taxes and cutting-expanding public services. This is my plan and I intend to deliver it, if elected, as part of my ‘One Nation Building Hard-working Britain First’ campaign.

Nick: So you want to simultaneously cut and expand welfare spending, lower and raise taxes and reduce and enlarge the provision of services like healthcare and education. This approach sounds very similar to that espoused by the Conservative party why should anyone believe you’d do it better, you’re not the most convincing potential Prime Minister are you?

Ed M: My answer to that question is no and yes. I believe that new-old Labour provides all of the answers to the problems of 21^st century Britain but we might not be able to deliver them due to the short-term political need to please a small number of oligopolistic press barons who don’t like paying taxes. My Britain will be one where everyone gets rich and no-one is poor. It will be a Pareto optimal Britain wherein everyone has just the right amount of stuff to fulfil their marginal utility requirements.

Nick: Ummm....yeah. So will I have to pay more tax? Let’s be honest you’re going to raise my taxes aren’t you and more importantly you’re going to raise my editor’s taxes as well?

Ed: Listen Nick, I love-hate the rich and welcome-despise all forms of legal tax avoidance. We will-won’t raise taxes for the rich-poor but this will be offset-accompanied by corresponding tax breaks-rises leading to a net gain-loss for all concerned. Did you know I really like animals?

Nick: So you’re intending to raise taxes on people who are just rich enough to notice if their tax bill goes up and just politically engaged enough to notice the colour of the ties of the people doing it: do you intend to change the colour of your tie?

Ed: I tend to wear a yellow-blue-red tie/no-tie, it’s not important what is important is this growing class of people I call the poor-rich. They are rich but they don’t feel like they’re rich enough, they want their children to attend a Russell group university, live in two or three homes in leafy villages with easy access to motorways, airports and high-speed rail networks but away from noise or pollution. They want high quality local public services but don’t want to see poor people when they use them. They want easy access to a choice of golf courses, five or six foreign holidays a year and a local Waitrose that delivers on Saturday morning at no extra charge. These are the people of Ed Miliband’s Britain: occasionally-working families who tend to ignore the problems of others and work from home at least twice a week. Have I mentioned that I think cancer is terrible and I like watching US political dramas on Netflix?

Nick: Do you hate immigrants Mr. Miliband?

Ed: I do hate immigrants but not as much as some other people who are frankly a bit racist. I think it's OK to be a bit racist as long as you don't say anything too racist in public. I’m the son of immigrants but they were the old-style good immigrants who fled fascism and attempted to fundamentally change the social outlook of Britain, not like these new ones who flee violence and economic hardship in their homelands.

Nick: Your Dad was a mad, raving socialist wasn’t he?

Ed: My Dad love-hated Britain and I embrace-despise everything he stood for.

Nick: You’re not as good-looking as your brother are you? He’d be a much better, nicer Prime Minister than you, wouldn’t he? He wouldn't have tried to raise my taxes. How did you feel when you metaphorically stabbed him in the front at the leadership election?

Ed: I have the utmost dis-respect for my brother. When we were kids he used to steal my political encyclopaedias and cut out the sections on Marxist economic theory and eat them: I’ve always wondered how my view of political history might have been changed if he hadn’t done that.

Nick: Mr. Miliband, I think you are a most unlikely candidate for Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and I think all of the viewers will value my sincerely held government-oriented point of view. I’ve been Nick Anti-Socialist for GOB TV; now back to Martha in the GOB News Centre for a story about the Queen’s dogs.

David Cameron talks to Denzil Haberdasher-Aske in a wide-ranging interview on defence and foreign policy at a plumbing supply warehouse in Swansea.

Denzil Haberdasher-Aske: Good morning Prime Minister

David Cameron: Good morning. It’s good to be here in Swansea; the bathroom accessories are truly imaginatively designed and reasonably priced as are the vehicles supplied by one of the Conservative party’s main sponsors Jaguar Land Rover.

Denzil: You’ve recently helped launch an initiative to end the use of child soldiers in conflicts around the world; please expand on the aims and goals of this difficult to oppose but almost impossible to implement humanitarian programme.

DC: Thanks Denzil that’s exactly the question my press secretary told you, I mean me, that you were going to ask. We aim to end the use of child soldiers in all wars by being photographed with celebrities in carefully controlled central London locations. This will almost certainly gain exposure in mid-market newspapers who will comment on the clothes the celebrities are wearing thereby persuading central African and Asian warlords that the use of child soldiers is economically and socially unsustainable with the by-product that both the celebrities and the politicians will seem a little bit more powerful and caring which is crucial to win over voters and movie audiences.

Denzil: Thank you Prime Minister. May I say your face is glowing splendidly, now onto defence? You’ve just announced new funding for 12 to 18 year-olds to take part in military-themed activities as part of a promotion for pseudo-military youth organisations please explain how this re-announced funding will benefit kids of all ages.

DC: The military is the backbone of this country. It provides the great British values and ideals that we live by and is a shining beacon of morality around the globe. We believe every British child should have the opportunity to experience the discipline of military training, see and feel gunfire, enjoy the passion of war, bullets, cordite, rampaging tanks and ultimately the chance to imagine horrific injuries to their friends and other, less economically-endowed children. We believe in flags and free enterprise. We believe in JCB, hedge funds and low corporate tax rates. We believe the poor should remain poor because they are mostly unable to access the elite education network that our father’s money has bought us.

Denzil: So to clarify, you oppose child soldiers in armies whose strategic aims you oppose but you encourage children to engage in warlike activities to uphold the moral values of the UK as a whole.

DC: Yes, that’s correct war is bad except when we start it, in which case it has a clear moral and spiritual imperative. Church leaders, school teachers, news reporters, chat-show hosts they all have a role to play in promoting the moral purpose of British wars. British wars, as opposed to ‘foreign’ wars, are wonderful humanist adventures that spread our values of free trade; colonialism; low wage labour and resource theft throughout the developing world. Of course some will argue that this is not the way a civilised country should behave but I would argue that they are terrorists denying our children and our children’s children the chance to experience the bountiful spoils that just wars can bring to those rich enough to avoid the huge tax bills that such endeavours inevitably incur.

Denzil: Does it not worry you; Prime Minister that such warmongering destroys millions of lives, breaks up families and simply produces more angry people who wish to destroy imperialist elites?

DC: War brings death but it also brings enormous financial opportunities for private sector companies to rebuild some of that which has been destroyed via overly generous and laxly supervised government-funded rebuilding contracts. It is also a tremendous advert for up-and-coming oligopolistic states to show off the types of high-tech, death-dealing weaponry that we can supply them if they are willing to hand over much of their resource wealth. We win the war then we win the peace then we trigger the next war with poorly reconstructed countries with endemic and exaggerated divisions between ethnic and religious groups. It is constant self-seeding capitalist warfare that becomes more brutal and effective with each of its iterations.

Denzil: That sounded almost intelligent Prime Minister, thank you for your time.

DC: Thanks Dennis, great to meet you, I must leave now as I am leading a trade delegation to the Paris arms fair to try and sell over-complicated fighter jets to India. Ciao.

Denzil: I think we can all agree that you are the most Prime Ministerial Prime Minister of this parliament thank you and bless your shiny face sir.

Conservative Party Conference 2013 Guidelines for Ministers

Tributes (for people you regard as incompetent or irrelevant)

Your colleagues (brilliant)

Margaret Thatcher (a wonderful woman)

George Osborne (genius/saviour/sage/swami/guru)

David Cameron (great/strong leader)

Attacks (for people who mildly disagree with your policies)

Labour (waste money)

Ed Miliband (socialist/Marxist/communist)

Ed Balls (Stalin)

Liberal Democrats (turncoats)

Trade Unions (evil militants)

Unemployed (scum/scroungers)

Immigrants (thieves/terrorists)

Bureaucrats (hopeless fools who enforce our rules)

European Bureaucrats (lunatics)

Catchphrases (aimed at indecisive voters)

Do the right thing

Hard-working families

Sense of entitlement

Something-for-nothing culture

Aspiration

Topics you must not mention (damaging comparisons)

UKIP

Nigel Farage

John Major

Norman Lamont

Anders Behring Breivik

Topics to avoid if possible (potential for embarrassment)

Boris Johnson

Foreign policy

David Cameron’s Speech to the Conservative Party Conference, Birmingham 2012*

*Check against delivery!

Thank you.

The last two years have not been easy but we have not shirked our responsibility or the difficult decisions that have had to be made in dealing with the terrible debt left by the last Labour Government.

We inherited a mess far worse than we originally thought. Our ability to grow has been hit by the crisis in the Eurozone where countries that lacked the political will to deal with their debts have fallen prey to the markets. Unsustainable interest rates have sunk countries like Greece, Portugal, Ireland, Italy and even Spain. While British yields were tracking those of Spain and Italy when we came to power our clear plan to cut the debt has kept Britain safe from the European debt storm. Thanks to George Osborne we now have amongst the lowest interest rates in the G20. This is not just good for the Government but ensures low mortgage interest rates for families and homeowners the length and breadth of the country. Without our tough action we would need a bailout: instead we are arguing about how much we should contribute to the funds available to the IMF! Our country is strengthened by the tough action taken by this Government.

Contrast this sensible approach with the loony ideas of Ed Balls and Ed Miliband. Ed Balls argues that the way out of a debt storm is to borrow more, ramp up spending and add even more debt! He doesn’t want to reduce the debt but increase it! They say 2 Eds are better than one but in this case we’d be better off with none! They want to take us back to the mad, bad days of the 1970s when Labour kept borrowing until the money ran out and Britain, yes Britain, had to accept a bailout from the IMF. It didn’t work then and it won’t work now. Under a Conservative Government, Britain will always stand on its own two feet. We are a haven in the storm, free from the whims of the markets and government by bureaucrats.

Many countries in Europe no longer control their own financial destiny. The will of their people is ignored as they are governed by Eurocrats. Conservatives will never allow our country’s fate to be determined by bureaucrats in Brussels. Conservatives have always firmly opposed the Euro and Britain will never enter the Euro while I am Prime Minister.

Thanks to the work of Iain Duncan Smith we will soon have a benefits system which makes work pay. No more languishing on benefits without the will to get up and get back into society. Those who play the system will have to shape up and get back to work or face the consequences. We will not accept the situation under Labour where the less you did the more you were paid. For too long this country has done a disservice to those on benefits, allowing their talents to waste away while those in work strived to pay for not only their own family but the shirkers next door. This government will not shirk the tough decisions. We are in government to make a difference.

I don’t get out of bed each day and think, ”What will the papers say if I do this or don’t do that?” I have a vision for this country where those who are willing to work hard and make a difference are rewarded while those who play the system face hard consequences.

All Labour can offer is a return to the bad old ways of the 1970s when things got worse not better: out of control Trade Unions; out of control borrowing; out of control spending. We sorted it out before and we are doing the same now. It hasn’t been easy, it wasn’t easy in the 1980s but after the pain came an extraordinary explosion of growth for every level of society: growth in wealth, incomes and well-being.

I benefited from this but so did many others: council tenants were able to own their own homes, a policy we have revived thanks to Grant Shapps, our new Chairman; a policy sadly forgotten under Labour. We have announced plans to build more homes without adding to the debt, boosting the construction sector and getting Britain back to work. This government has freed up planning regulations, creating a planning system that helps rather than hinders and is truly fit for the 21^st Century. Our changes to the planning system will boost growth without ruining the countryside. We are the controllers of our own destiny and the only limit is our own political will to change.

 I have travelled the world sealing crucial deals for British business which will create jobs back here in Britain. These were in no way connected to my mates.

There have been cuts to our Armed Services: a decision I personally regret but due to the billions of wasted Labour pounds that left a black hole in the defence budget. Under this Government we are sorting the mess out, securing Britain’s future. There was no money left but a Conservative Government will never hurt our country’s ability to defend itself. The army will be leaner, meaner but still one of the best equipped, most capable and admired armies in the world. Discussions are underway to renew Trident, keeping our country safe well into the 21^st Century and ensuring we remain a big player on the world stage.

Our brave troops will be withdrawing from Afghanistan leaving a safer, fairer country where girls can go to school alongside their brothers. There are still problems but through training the Afghan army I believe we will never again see the country as an international haven for the world’s worst terrorists. Thanks to the work of Theresa May the same is true of our own country. Under Labour the preaching of hate was deemed acceptable. Never again will Abu Hamza and his cronies be able to take over the streets of London and preach intolerance. We stand firm against hate, terrorism and those who seek to attack our way of life. Those are Conservative values.

With an ageing population we have had to take tough decisions on the NHS and pensions. These changes will ensure we can continue to pay our way in the world and not leave a legacy of debt for our children. The pensions system will be fairer as a result and pensioners can be safe in the knowledge that there will always be a safety net to look after those who have done the right thing and worked hard to save for their retirement. The NHS will offer the world’s best healthcare, combining the best of public and private practices. A health service truly fit for the 21^st Century, controlled by those who know best: GPs, free from the unnecessary, centralised bureaucracy of Labour.

In education Michael Gove has established a raft of new Free Schools, at a fraction of the cost of those new schools built under Labour, putting parents at the heart of their child’s education. Existing high-performing schools have been set free from bureaucracy by our extended Academies programme, allowing talented teachers to teach children as they see fit, not by ticking boxes. Renewed rigour in the exam system will allow the best to rise to the top and ensure fairness for all.

We have begun to fix the broken system we inherited from Labour. It has not been easy but I’m sure in the years to come you will see Britain growing again and delivering sustained prosperity for all, not just those at the very top.

A Christmas Interview with Prime Minister David Cameron

Gareth Wilbertstein: So Prime Minister, another year has passed and the Eurozone sovereign debt crisis continues to roll on: what have you done to contain its effects on the globe and Britain in particular?

David Cameron: I didn't show up at most of the meetings because they don't concern me but when I did I vetoed attempts to bring in tighter fiscal rules for Eurozone countries! My pointless blustering bolstered my standing with the rebellious Eurosceptics in my own party and gave me a brief boost in the polls!

GW: What about Nick Clegg?

DC: Who?

GW: The Liberal Democrats?

DC: Oh....ummm....I think it is in the best interests of the country that they are sidelined by my rhetoric. I don't think they're too happy, but I'm not bothered: they're nowhere in the polls.

GW: How has your posturing helped the UK economy?

DC: It didn't but the continuing crisis gives us a convincing reason why the economy isn't performing. We don't believe in the Euro: we'd be happy if it collapsed but we can't be seen to be happy about it collapsing. Every time I get a chance I just surreptitiously nudge it closer to the edge.

GW: Bailouts for Greece?

DC: No.....we might sneak some money across via the IMF but I don't really believe in helping people out. It's their problem so they can sort it out for themselves.

GW: Higher borrowing forecast, lower growth, higher unemployment, higher inflation, higher taxes: things are going well for George Osborne?

DC: Tough times for some but it's all Labour's fault for following a pattern of financial deregulation that we wholeheartedly approved of at the time. What's great is that we're still arguing for further deregulation of things like employment law, even though that's what caused the crisis! It's all extra profit for our corporate backers: Veuve Clicquot all round!

GW: And finally, the Health Service?

DC: Yes, the NHS, in many ways this is our pet project. We want to show that a state-run monopoly can easily be turned into a corporate monopoly in 3-5 years. The great thing is that corporations generate profits; profits go to share-holders and Chief Executives who then pass the money on to political parties via donations. When I leave office I'm going to have so many companies begging to reward me for feeding their bottom line!

GW: Merry Christmas Prime Minister!

DC: Glad tidings to one and all!

PMQs 13th July 2011: Cameron Gets His Ass Kicked

PRIME MINISTER

The Prime Minister was asked-

Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab): You love Murdoch, don't you?

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron): You're the Murdoch lover, my relationship is purely professional. Phone hacking is absolutely disgusting and what has happened to the families of dead soldiers, Milly Dowler and the victims of terrorist attacks is absolutely disgusting.

Ed M: Rebekah Brooks disgusts me but you seem to love her. Would you like to express your love now?

PM: She's alright but my relationship with her is not intimate. If she wants to resign she can but it has nothing to do with me.

Ed M: You seem intent on pushing through the Murdoch bid for BSkyB: this seems nuts. Why not give it up you pasty-faced no-mark.

PM: I'm totally happy with Mr Murdoch taking full control of BSkyB, he almost helped win me an election and I can't let him down in case he switches sides again. I think the gentleman should examine his own position regarding the Murdochs.

Ed M: I'm not Blair, I'm not Brown, I'm Miliband, Ed Miliband. I don't need rich supporters, I'm going to slay the Beast and then slay those that feed him! Why do you love Andy Coulson? He's a crimbo and a particularly dislikeable crimbo at that!

PM: I hate phone hackers and the Murdochs will have to account for their own actions, and what's happened is disgusting: the hacking of dead soldier's phones, murder victims and all that stuff. It's absolutely disgusting, all of it.

Questions and Answers with Education Secretary Michael Gove

Simon Lime: You've cancelled Labour's school-building programme, claiming it was grossly inefficient and costly. What are you proposing instead?

Michael Gove: I'm glad you've asked me this question Simon. Yes, the shockingly wasteful Labour government spent millions of pounds on pointlessly ambitious school buildings with top class facilities and inspiring architecture. I have a raft of proposals that will radically reform the schools system and provide more new schools for a fraction of the cost.

Simon: What are your proposals?

Michael: We propose special education zones where building regulations can be relaxed to allow companies and collectives to develop ultra-cheap school buildings for the poor. Since the sad decline in factory farming many chicken sheds and such-like have fallen out of use. These disused environments could be converted into Free Schools for disadvantaged children. They may lack windows and central heating but think of the savings in bills and maintenance. THE POOR MUST BE EDUCATED!

The 'chicken shed' approach would allow for much larger classes, thus cutting the number of teachers required. Also, by doing away with chairs and tables the space can double as a sports hall.

Simon: What are the changes you want to see in the school curriculum?

Michael:  I want to see a return to traditional values in education. The Romans, the Victorians, go-getters, the Royals, long division, spelling tests, Latin, reeling off world capital cities, solving equations by hand, learning facts by heart, that kind of thing.

Simon: So no history of the atom bomb, either of the Great Wars or industrialisation? No mention of socialism, communism or revolution, and no analysis of slavery, colonialisation and unionisation.

Michael: No, none of that, strictly non-twentieth century stuff, it's not proper history because it's just too recent and not relevant. We want tales of grandeur, splendour, battles won, battles lost. Nothing too nuanced.

Simon: You wouldn't like to acknowledge the birth of the internet and home computing?

Michael: No you see that is partly where we've gone wrong. All this technology has taken away our ability to remember facts. Text speak and mobile phones have corrupted our language, we should be independent of computers and technology, not dependent.

Simon:  So you don't acknowledge technology of the last 60 years?

Michael:  I use it, but you know, what's wrong with a pen and paper?

Simon: Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Education, thank you.