Toe sockpuppet: And now
the news with Eton-striped sockpuppet.
Eton-striped
sockpuppet: Victorious government forces have withdrawn from that place you
probably haven’t heard of and don’t care about. Their presence there was in no
way linked to that country’s vast oil reserves and citizens may attend any of
numerous victory homecoming parades in the coming weeks. A government spokesman
reiterated that the mission to that place somewhere was entirely successful and
in no way a failure.
In other news, nasty
socialists have claimed that the Department for Work and Pensions is enacting
illegal procedures that help no-one. The DWP say that this is simply untrue;
their figures are out of date and if anything things are now much worse than
the socialists claim.
That thing that may or
may not have happened yesterday probably didn’t happen so you might as well
forget about it. Next the sports news with light-brown sockpuppet.
Light-brown sockpuppet:
Football, football, football. Incredibly football is on holiday for a few weeks
so I can only tell you about the likely goings on and happenings that could occur
in the upcoming season. Until then there’s tennis news: a Scottish tennis
player whose name I don’t remember lost a tennis match today in a tennis
tournament somewhere or other. Now the travel with mauve sockpuppet.
Mauve sockpuppet: The
travel has in no way been affected by that thing that may or may not have
happened yesterday but probably didn’t. There are long tailbacks at junction 13
of the M1 near a marginal constituency, probably caused by inefficient,
over-staffed, state-funded road works. Police are advising motorists in the
Doncaster area to avoid the town centre due to a burst water main that was in
no way caused by privatisation of the water industry.
Toe sockpuppet: Now
over to Pringle sockpuppet with this morning’s phone-in.
Pringle sockpuppet: Thanks
toe sockpuppet. Our phone-in topic today is “Isn’t the Queen’s dress nice.” So
please get those calls in and phone on the usual phone number.
Caller One (Possible
human): I don’t understand why you aren’t discussing the bizarre contradiction that
a supposedly modern, democratic society is represented by an incredibly wealthy
hereditary monarch?
Pringle sockpuppet: Today’s
discussion is about the Queen’s clothes caller one...
Caller One: Why aren’t
you debating that thing that happened yester... [ ]
Pringle sockpuppet:
Right... ha, ha, haa. What a loony! Who’s next? Caller two...
Caller Two (Regular polycotton-mix
sockpuppet): I like the Queen; she’s an incredibly honourable and highly
respected person: so calm, so tranquil, almost spiritually pure but I don’t
think that dress yesterday was one of her best. The colour didn’t match her
pearls.
Pringle sockpuppet:
Controversial. You’re certainly welcome to your opinion; we live in a free
society after all, but I think most normal, sensible people will disagree
strongly with your somewhat extreme point of view. What does caller three
think?
Caller Three (Slipper
sockpuppet): The Queen looked absolutely beautiful yesterday, as always, but
she was especially dazzling and sparkling yesterday. Lemon yellow really set
off the diamonds in her crown: I thought it was the height of style, elegance
and sophistication.
Pringle sockpuppet: And
so say all of us caller three. You’re absolutely right that the Queen is truly
a supreme and excellent being who transcends the mundanity of most ordinary
people’s lives. We are very lucky to have her and I’m sure most sensible,
well-balanced citizens would agree with your considered point of view. You know
the great thing about our Queen is that she is so down-to-earth yet at the same
time uniquely special.
OK that wraps up today’s
phone-in now it’s over to stripy cotton sockpuppet for today’s denigration of
public services, stripy cotton sockpuppet...
Stripy cotton
sockpuppet: Thanks Pringle sockpuppet, what a wonderful discussion about the
Queen’s dress, it really was a wonderful sight wasn’t it? It’s important to
remember that although most public services are rubbish, inefficiently organised
and probably better off run by charities for free, the Queen is one great
British institution who truly offers superb value for money.
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