Storytime, with Matt

The daily fairytale. It’s no coincidence that government briefings tend to happen at 5pm.

Randy Pandy (played by Matt): Hello children, here is today’s story. It’s important that you remember that we are nice people, just like you. We mean you no harm and always have your best interests at heart. We love you and your family. We’ll be there for you when you need us. Some of you might be feeling a bit poorly today. We’re sorry to hear that. It is desperately sad. We hope you will get better. Sadly, not all of you will. That is an unavoidable tragedy but be reassured that your deaths are heroic. You are heroes and will be honoured with cut-price funerals attended by a minimal number of mourners. If you’ve been really good, we will put a silver sticker on your coffin and maybe even a single cut flower.

Our technicians have created some wonderful games for you to play on your phone during home-stay. You can play them and help us track down the naughty people who aren’t obeying all of our instructions. They are spreading the illness. If we stop them then we’ll all miraculously get better. That’s what the clever people are telling us. Please download the games, EVERYONE, as they will make you feel like you are contributing to our probably fruitless efforts to combat the poorliness that has mysteriously beset so many. Your personal information will only be shared with far-right organisations in the US. Remember STAY INSIDE. If you feel unwell, call your local life-cessation advice line and they will arrange for a fresh body-bag to be delivered, usually within five working days. If breathing becomes difficult just unlock your door, roll inside and someone will call, after you expire, to zip you in. We aim to get you zipped up within a target timeframe of 48 hours.

Now for some questions, Laura (Tartan Sockpuppet), you look like you might not last till the end, better let you go first!

Tartan Sockpuppet (Laura): Thank you, such a beneficial and munificent aura you have today minister! Yesterday’s storytime mentioned that tomorrow, i.e. today, we would have jam and scones at storytime, yet we see no jam and no scones, please explain?

Randy Pandy (Matt): Ah yes, wonderful question Laura, and one that I rather expected: we must be telepathic! Yes, you must remember, Laura, that yesterday’s stories don’t necessarily share continuity with today’s. Whereas, sometimes stories are episodic and share characters who may progress, go on a journey, if you like, over multiple episodes, our stories are not like that. Our stories very much live only in that moment, for that brief beautiful moment when we are together, just before bedtime. They are a means of conveying momentary comfort. We don’t expect you to remember what happened yesterday. They are just stories. If you remember a promise of jam and bread, or even scones, then I must take you at your word, but I have no such recollection. However, the absence of jam, bread, or even scones, would seem to indicate that no such promise was made and if we can be sure of anything then it is that we would never break such a solemn promise, even if it were, as such, made in jest.

Does that answer your question?

Tartan sockpuppet (Laura): Yes, thank you minister. It is clear to me now that no such promise was made. We’re very grateful for your clarity on this important but also somewhat frivolous matter. To be clear, was it scones or bread that was promised?

Randy Pandy (Matt): I think bread. OK, next question, Colin (Cashmere sockpuppet)?

Cashmere sockpuppet (Colin): Thank you minister. Your hair looks nice and your smile is a joy. At yesterday’s storytime, if my memory serves me well: I accept it may be faulty, I feel that it was indicated that not only would we have jam and scones but the nice people bringing us these delicious treats would wear masks, gloves and aprons, just in case we were feeling poorly, so they wouldn’t get sick. Please could you tell us if you have provided these gloves, masks and suchlike to keep us all safe from the insidious sickness that seems to be affecting so many?

Randy Pandy (Matt): Thank you Colin (Cashmere sockpuppet). I’ll hand that question over to my assistant Bev (Slipper sockpuppet). Bev.

Slipper sockpuppet (Bev): Yes, thank you for your question Colin. It is a very important issue for all of us at storytime. The safety of those looking after us is vital and has been at the forefront of all of our minds, especially those serving our refreshments. I can reassure you that every effort is being made to ensure the safety of our hardworking first refreshers and that we discuss this everyday, for at least five minutes. Matt is always saying, “Cor! It’s so brave of those people to serve us without any protective equipment whatsoever. We could have the virus, they could have the virus, anyone could: So brave!”

Randy Pandy (Matt): We don’t want to create an impression of panic or alarm during storytime. People want to be comforted. I appreciate that. I can reassure you that we are doing everything in our power to look after these heroes, because that is what they are. Absolute bloody heroes! There would be no storytime if it wasn’t for them. That’s why I have commissioned a special set of storytime badges for all of them, so they know how special they are. I was just saying to my dearest mother the other day, “Oh, they are such heroes!” and she agreed with me entirely. I’m a regular guy, just like you Colin, but I’m trying to do an impossible job, to the best of my ability in trying circumstances, but we will succeed. I’m sure of it. We just have to keep on going; telling the stories everyday; keeping you happy; maintaining that upbeat, chirpy, go-get-’em attitude. We’re gonna get through this, Colin.

Cashmere sockpuppet (Colin): Thank you minister. So no masks, gloves and aprons, as such, yet, but maybe tomorrow? Thank you.

Pinstripe sockpuppet (Rashid): Minister, a lot of people are dying from this mysterious sickness, it is very distressing, stock markets have crashed, currencies have weakened, government debt is ballooning, what do all these deaths mean for the economy?

Randy Pandy (Matt): Ah, thank you Rashid. The economy is something very close to my heart. I think about this all the time - but what about the economy? The economy. The economy. After every storytime I put on my slippers, sip some ovaltine, or whatever it is normal people drink, and think about the economy. I’m usually holding my mug very tightly, with both hands. It is obviously sad that people have died, we can’t deny that, but as grown-ups we must look at the bigger picture. Numbers. People can die but the economy can never stop. It must continue. Without the economy our lives have no meaning. It is everything. The economy. I hope to kickstart the economy soon. As soon as possible. It is the number one priority for everybody at storytime. I can assure you - we’ve got this, we’re on it. We’ll get it sorted, ASAP. Those numbers will be trending upwards in no time. Worry a bit, but not too much. You can trust us, on the economy.

Pinstripe sockpuppet (Rashid): Thank you minister. I’m sure everyone will be reassured by your unfounded confidence.

Randy Pandy (Matt): OK, everyone, that’s been a lovely storytime review, I’m sure you’ll all agree. Some lovely but searching questions were asked and I think they have been comprehensively answered. Thank you, stay at home, don’t go out, trust us. Goodnight everyone. Don’t die! Stop the dying, it’s no good for anyone. OK, goodnight. Bye. Bye. Goodnight. Download the app!

A morning listening to GOB Radio (The Government Organisation for Broadcasting)

Toe sockpuppet: And now the news with Eton-striped sockpuppet.

Eton-striped sockpuppet: Victorious government forces have withdrawn from that place you probably haven’t heard of and don’t care about. Their presence there was in no way linked to that country’s vast oil reserves and citizens may attend any of numerous victory homecoming parades in the coming weeks. A government spokesman reiterated that the mission to that place somewhere was entirely successful and in no way a failure.

In other news, nasty socialists have claimed that the Department for Work and Pensions is enacting illegal procedures that help no-one. The DWP say that this is simply untrue; their figures are out of date and if anything things are now much worse than the socialists claim.

That thing that may or may not have happened yesterday probably didn’t happen so you might as well forget about it. Next the sports news with light-brown sockpuppet.

Light-brown sockpuppet: Football, football, football. Incredibly football is on holiday for a few weeks so I can only tell you about the likely goings on and happenings that could occur in the upcoming season. Until then there’s tennis news: a Scottish tennis player whose name I don’t remember lost a tennis match today in a tennis tournament somewhere or other. Now the travel with mauve sockpuppet.

Mauve sockpuppet: The travel has in no way been affected by that thing that may or may not have happened yesterday but probably didn’t. There are long tailbacks at junction 13 of the M1 near a marginal constituency, probably caused by inefficient, over-staffed, state-funded road works. Police are advising motorists in the Doncaster area to avoid the town centre due to a burst water main that was in no way caused by privatisation of the water industry.

Toe sockpuppet: Now over to Pringle sockpuppet with this morning’s phone-in.

Pringle sockpuppet: Thanks toe sockpuppet. Our phone-in topic today is “Isn’t the Queen’s dress nice.” So please get those calls in and phone on the usual phone number.

Caller One (Possible human): I don’t understand why you aren’t discussing the bizarre contradiction that a supposedly modern, democratic society is represented by an incredibly wealthy hereditary monarch?

Pringle sockpuppet: Today’s discussion is about the Queen’s clothes caller one...

Caller One: Why aren’t you debating that thing that happened yester... [       ]

Pringle sockpuppet: Right... ha, ha, haa. What a loony! Who’s next? Caller two...

Caller Two (Regular polycotton-mix sockpuppet): I like the Queen; she’s an incredibly honourable and highly respected person: so calm, so tranquil, almost spiritually pure but I don’t think that dress yesterday was one of her best. The colour didn’t match her pearls.

Pringle sockpuppet: Controversial. You’re certainly welcome to your opinion; we live in a free society after all, but I think most normal, sensible people will disagree strongly with your somewhat extreme point of view. What does caller three think?

Caller Three (Slipper sockpuppet): The Queen looked absolutely beautiful yesterday, as always, but she was especially dazzling and sparkling yesterday. Lemon yellow really set off the diamonds in her crown: I thought it was the height of style, elegance and sophistication.

Pringle sockpuppet: And so say all of us caller three. You’re absolutely right that the Queen is truly a supreme and excellent being who transcends the mundanity of most ordinary people’s lives. We are very lucky to have her and I’m sure most sensible, well-balanced citizens would agree with your considered point of view. You know the great thing about our Queen is that she is so down-to-earth yet at the same time uniquely special.

OK that wraps up today’s phone-in now it’s over to stripy cotton sockpuppet for today’s denigration of public services, stripy cotton sockpuppet...

Stripy cotton sockpuppet: Thanks Pringle sockpuppet, what a wonderful discussion about the Queen’s dress, it really was a wonderful sight wasn’t it? It’s important to remember that although most public services are rubbish, inefficiently organised and probably better off run by charities for free, the Queen is one great British institution who truly offers superb value for money.

An exploration of the privatisation of British jungle infrastructure maintenance and its impact on pirate zombie infestations

The centre-right political commentator Stewart Lee has been critical of the UK government’s privatisation of the maintenance of jungle canyon rope bridges. In a recent column for The Independent he claimed that a lack of investment in jungle maintenance has contributed to the incidence of pirate zombie infestations in the UK [1]. This article aims to examine the impact of privatisation on jungle maintenance contracts and the connections, if any, with recorded pirate zombie attacks.

During the 1980s maintenance of Britain’s jungle transport infrastructure was parcelled out to privately run jungle maintenance firms following the sell-off of the British Jungle Maintenance Corporation. Three firms took control of almost 90% of the jungle maintenance market: UK Jungle Maintenance Incorporated, Pirata Limited and Arcanum. [Pirata grew its business throughout the 1990s to eventually control 60% of jungle maintenance contracts.]

The onset of privatisation on 6^th June 1984 corresponded with a halving in investment in UK jungle infrastructure. This came to a head on 13th September 1989 when the Coventry Canyon Bridge Collapse resulted in the deaths of 60 people during the morning rush hour and a further 23 people injured. The sudden failure of a jungle canyon rope bridge prompted emergency inspections of rope bridges throughout Britain; as a result 13 jungle canyon rope bridges were closed for urgent strengthening work. 1990 saw the introduction of a formal inspection regime for jungle canyon rope bridges overseen by the newly instituted Jungle Maintenance Board, JuMBo, led by the Lancastrian academic Sir Bodes Royson and a team of retired jungle maintenance professionals many of whom had been made redundant when the British Jungle Maintenance Corporation was sold off.

The Coventry Canyon Bridge Collapse was one of a series of high profile failures in privately maintained infrastructure that shook the public’s faith in the new privatisation agenda of the Thatcher government. Senior political commentators at the time like the BBC’s John Coles believe this hastened the end of Margaret Thatcher’s reign as Conservative Party leader [2].

The maintenance of jungle canyon rope bridges is a politically important topic in the present day due to the increasing fear of attacks from pirate zombie infestations. As is well documented, pirate zombies are generally confined to the hard to reach areas of the jungle due to their slow movement and inability to overcome the most basic natural obstacles. However, increasing urban expansion and growth in the numbers of jungle pathways has brought commuters ever closer to the areas where pirate zombies are most common and has provided routes whereby pirate zombies can roam closer to suburban areas. Jungle maintenance can be a dangerous job and maintenance crews often demand armed protection when operating deep within the rainforest.

In 2010 it was revealed that the UK’s leading provider of jungle maintenance, Pirata, had been secretly encouraging pirate zombie infestations through its offshore holding company Pirata Holdings Haiti LLC. A small group of mystery-investigating teenagers accompanied by a Great Dane uncovered a plot to discourage rival companies from bidding for contracts by driving up the incidence of pirate zombie attacks. The attacks would mysteriously end when Pirata gained control of the maintenance contracts. A little-known government incentives scheme also allowed Pirata to earn tax credits for the sudden reduction in pirate zombie infestations when they took over the work. Paperwork relating to Pirata’s underhand scheme was discovered by a bespectacled student investigating an abandoned gold mine. Further evidence was forthcoming when a Pirata regional manager was found masquerading as a pirate zombie at a derelict fairground.

Tax justice groups have called for a boycott of all Pirata-maintained jungle canyon rope bridges due to their use of offshore shell companies to shield their profits from tax. One group called Occupy the Jungle have even been clearing their own bespoke jungle pathways. The government’s response to this phenomenon has been to bring in legislation requiring that  all groups of 5 people or less entering the jungle be accompanied by a cowardly dog, a handy bag of biscuit snacks and that they receive training in hiding in incongruously placed barrels while exclaiming, “Like oh no!”

In conclusion, Stewart Lee is right to claim that the privatisation of jungle rope bridge maintenance in the 1980s contributed to an increase in the numbers of pirate zombie infestations. However, he overlooks another significant factor in the increasing use of jungle pathways by psychedelia-influenced adventure-seeking teenagers with canines, often popularised in the media as ‘meddling kids’. The government must further legislate against the creation of unauthorised jungle pathways by meddling kids to stem the resurgence of accompanying pirate zombie infestations and protect the profits of private jungle maintenance enterprises.

The author of this article, John Swaney, received an offer of a year’s paid sabbatical in Barbados working for Pirata Limited just prior to the publication of this article.

[1] Stewart Lee ‘My Worthless Life’ The Independent 31/5/2014

[2] Margaret Thatcher Foundation ‘Interview with John Coles’ 9/4/1992.

Ed Miliband sets out his political philosophy in an interview with the Government Organisation for Broadcasting at Loughborough University

Nick Anti-Socialist (GOB Chief Political Correspondent): I’m talking today with the leader of Her Majesty’s Most Loyal Opposition, the Right Honourable Ed Miliband MP. Welcome Mr. Miliband.

Ed Miliband: Thanks Nick it’s great to be here in lovely Loughborough on this sunny morning.

Nick: You want to expand welfare spending, disadvantaging hard-working families and ruining their lives why is that?

Ed: Listen Nick I’m all about expanding-cutting welfare spending: that will be my focus if I become Prime Minister in the next parliament. I want to reward hard-working families up and down the country by lowering-raising their taxes and cutting-expanding public services. This is my plan and I intend to deliver it, if elected, as part of my ‘One Nation Building Hard-working Britain First’ campaign.

Nick: So you want to simultaneously cut and expand welfare spending, lower and raise taxes and reduce and enlarge the provision of services like healthcare and education. This approach sounds very similar to that espoused by the Conservative party why should anyone believe you’d do it better, you’re not the most convincing potential Prime Minister are you?

Ed M: My answer to that question is no and yes. I believe that new-old Labour provides all of the answers to the problems of 21^st century Britain but we might not be able to deliver them due to the short-term political need to please a small number of oligopolistic press barons who don’t like paying taxes. My Britain will be one where everyone gets rich and no-one is poor. It will be a Pareto optimal Britain wherein everyone has just the right amount of stuff to fulfil their marginal utility requirements.

Nick: Ummm....yeah. So will I have to pay more tax? Let’s be honest you’re going to raise my taxes aren’t you and more importantly you’re going to raise my editor’s taxes as well?

Ed: Listen Nick, I love-hate the rich and welcome-despise all forms of legal tax avoidance. We will-won’t raise taxes for the rich-poor but this will be offset-accompanied by corresponding tax breaks-rises leading to a net gain-loss for all concerned. Did you know I really like animals?

Nick: So you’re intending to raise taxes on people who are just rich enough to notice if their tax bill goes up and just politically engaged enough to notice the colour of the ties of the people doing it: do you intend to change the colour of your tie?

Ed: I tend to wear a yellow-blue-red tie/no-tie, it’s not important what is important is this growing class of people I call the poor-rich. They are rich but they don’t feel like they’re rich enough, they want their children to attend a Russell group university, live in two or three homes in leafy villages with easy access to motorways, airports and high-speed rail networks but away from noise or pollution. They want high quality local public services but don’t want to see poor people when they use them. They want easy access to a choice of golf courses, five or six foreign holidays a year and a local Waitrose that delivers on Saturday morning at no extra charge. These are the people of Ed Miliband’s Britain: occasionally-working families who tend to ignore the problems of others and work from home at least twice a week. Have I mentioned that I think cancer is terrible and I like watching US political dramas on Netflix?

Nick: Do you hate immigrants Mr. Miliband?

Ed: I do hate immigrants but not as much as some other people who are frankly a bit racist. I think it's OK to be a bit racist as long as you don't say anything too racist in public. I’m the son of immigrants but they were the old-style good immigrants who fled fascism and attempted to fundamentally change the social outlook of Britain, not like these new ones who flee violence and economic hardship in their homelands.

Nick: Your Dad was a mad, raving socialist wasn’t he?

Ed: My Dad love-hated Britain and I embrace-despise everything he stood for.

Nick: You’re not as good-looking as your brother are you? He’d be a much better, nicer Prime Minister than you, wouldn’t he? He wouldn't have tried to raise my taxes. How did you feel when you metaphorically stabbed him in the front at the leadership election?

Ed: I have the utmost dis-respect for my brother. When we were kids he used to steal my political encyclopaedias and cut out the sections on Marxist economic theory and eat them: I’ve always wondered how my view of political history might have been changed if he hadn’t done that.

Nick: Mr. Miliband, I think you are a most unlikely candidate for Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and I think all of the viewers will value my sincerely held government-oriented point of view. I’ve been Nick Anti-Socialist for GOB TV; now back to Martha in the GOB News Centre for a story about the Queen’s dogs.

David Cameron talks to Denzil Haberdasher-Aske in a wide-ranging interview on defence and foreign policy at a plumbing supply warehouse in Swansea.

Denzil Haberdasher-Aske: Good morning Prime Minister

David Cameron: Good morning. It’s good to be here in Swansea; the bathroom accessories are truly imaginatively designed and reasonably priced as are the vehicles supplied by one of the Conservative party’s main sponsors Jaguar Land Rover.

Denzil: You’ve recently helped launch an initiative to end the use of child soldiers in conflicts around the world; please expand on the aims and goals of this difficult to oppose but almost impossible to implement humanitarian programme.

DC: Thanks Denzil that’s exactly the question my press secretary told you, I mean me, that you were going to ask. We aim to end the use of child soldiers in all wars by being photographed with celebrities in carefully controlled central London locations. This will almost certainly gain exposure in mid-market newspapers who will comment on the clothes the celebrities are wearing thereby persuading central African and Asian warlords that the use of child soldiers is economically and socially unsustainable with the by-product that both the celebrities and the politicians will seem a little bit more powerful and caring which is crucial to win over voters and movie audiences.

Denzil: Thank you Prime Minister. May I say your face is glowing splendidly, now onto defence? You’ve just announced new funding for 12 to 18 year-olds to take part in military-themed activities as part of a promotion for pseudo-military youth organisations please explain how this re-announced funding will benefit kids of all ages.

DC: The military is the backbone of this country. It provides the great British values and ideals that we live by and is a shining beacon of morality around the globe. We believe every British child should have the opportunity to experience the discipline of military training, see and feel gunfire, enjoy the passion of war, bullets, cordite, rampaging tanks and ultimately the chance to imagine horrific injuries to their friends and other, less economically-endowed children. We believe in flags and free enterprise. We believe in JCB, hedge funds and low corporate tax rates. We believe the poor should remain poor because they are mostly unable to access the elite education network that our father’s money has bought us.

Denzil: So to clarify, you oppose child soldiers in armies whose strategic aims you oppose but you encourage children to engage in warlike activities to uphold the moral values of the UK as a whole.

DC: Yes, that’s correct war is bad except when we start it, in which case it has a clear moral and spiritual imperative. Church leaders, school teachers, news reporters, chat-show hosts they all have a role to play in promoting the moral purpose of British wars. British wars, as opposed to ‘foreign’ wars, are wonderful humanist adventures that spread our values of free trade; colonialism; low wage labour and resource theft throughout the developing world. Of course some will argue that this is not the way a civilised country should behave but I would argue that they are terrorists denying our children and our children’s children the chance to experience the bountiful spoils that just wars can bring to those rich enough to avoid the huge tax bills that such endeavours inevitably incur.

Denzil: Does it not worry you; Prime Minister that such warmongering destroys millions of lives, breaks up families and simply produces more angry people who wish to destroy imperialist elites?

DC: War brings death but it also brings enormous financial opportunities for private sector companies to rebuild some of that which has been destroyed via overly generous and laxly supervised government-funded rebuilding contracts. It is also a tremendous advert for up-and-coming oligopolistic states to show off the types of high-tech, death-dealing weaponry that we can supply them if they are willing to hand over much of their resource wealth. We win the war then we win the peace then we trigger the next war with poorly reconstructed countries with endemic and exaggerated divisions between ethnic and religious groups. It is constant self-seeding capitalist warfare that becomes more brutal and effective with each of its iterations.

Denzil: That sounded almost intelligent Prime Minister, thank you for your time.

DC: Thanks Dennis, great to meet you, I must leave now as I am leading a trade delegation to the Paris arms fair to try and sell over-complicated fighter jets to India. Ciao.

Denzil: I think we can all agree that you are the most Prime Ministerial Prime Minister of this parliament thank you and bless your shiny face sir.

Conservative Party Conference 2013 Guidelines for Ministers

Tributes (for people you regard as incompetent or irrelevant)

Your colleagues (brilliant)

Margaret Thatcher (a wonderful woman)

George Osborne (genius/saviour/sage/swami/guru)

David Cameron (great/strong leader)

Attacks (for people who mildly disagree with your policies)

Labour (waste money)

Ed Miliband (socialist/Marxist/communist)

Ed Balls (Stalin)

Liberal Democrats (turncoats)

Trade Unions (evil militants)

Unemployed (scum/scroungers)

Immigrants (thieves/terrorists)

Bureaucrats (hopeless fools who enforce our rules)

European Bureaucrats (lunatics)

Catchphrases (aimed at indecisive voters)

Do the right thing

Hard-working families

Sense of entitlement

Something-for-nothing culture

Aspiration

Topics you must not mention (damaging comparisons)

UKIP

Nigel Farage

John Major

Norman Lamont

Anders Behring Breivik

Topics to avoid if possible (potential for embarrassment)

Boris Johnson

Foreign policy

PMQs 13th July 2011: Cameron Gets His Ass Kicked

PRIME MINISTER

The Prime Minister was asked-

Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab): You love Murdoch, don't you?

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron): You're the Murdoch lover, my relationship is purely professional. Phone hacking is absolutely disgusting and what has happened to the families of dead soldiers, Milly Dowler and the victims of terrorist attacks is absolutely disgusting.

Ed M: Rebekah Brooks disgusts me but you seem to love her. Would you like to express your love now?

PM: She's alright but my relationship with her is not intimate. If she wants to resign she can but it has nothing to do with me.

Ed M: You seem intent on pushing through the Murdoch bid for BSkyB: this seems nuts. Why not give it up you pasty-faced no-mark.

PM: I'm totally happy with Mr Murdoch taking full control of BSkyB, he almost helped win me an election and I can't let him down in case he switches sides again. I think the gentleman should examine his own position regarding the Murdochs.

Ed M: I'm not Blair, I'm not Brown, I'm Miliband, Ed Miliband. I don't need rich supporters, I'm going to slay the Beast and then slay those that feed him! Why do you love Andy Coulson? He's a crimbo and a particularly dislikeable crimbo at that!

PM: I hate phone hackers and the Murdochs will have to account for their own actions, and what's happened is disgusting: the hacking of dead soldier's phones, murder victims and all that stuff. It's absolutely disgusting, all of it.

PMQs 17th May 2011 Does Ken Clarke like rapists?

PRIME MINISTER

The Prime Minister was asked-

Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab): Following the Justice Secretary's comments earlier today: Do you like rapists?

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron): I have not heard the comments. However, I do not like rapists. I think they are nasty, evil, stinkers.

Edward Miliband: Do you think rape is bad?

The Prime Minister: I think rape is bad, very bad, I dislike rape a lot.

Edward Miliband: I think you should sack the Justice Secretary for liking rapists.

The Prime Minister: Rape is a heinous crime which I dislike a lot. We all agree rape is bad, don't we?
 
Dr Julian Lewis (New Forest East) (Con): I love submarine-launched nuclear weapons systems: do you?

The Prime Minister: I support Trident, unlike the awful Old Labour people opposite. They reek of socialism, they are awful dinosaurs. I wouldn't spit on the opposition if they were burning in a nuclear fire.

Corius Spit (Luton South) (Lab): Trident is never going to be used, can never be used and has never been used. It's a legacy of the cold war which ended 20 years ago. It's a God-awful waste of money! I don't support Trident: why do you?

The Prime Minister: I think nuclear weapons are great, if we get killed we can still kill the other lot thus assuring our mutual destruction. In fact I only wish I could use them on our own people, I'd nuke East London, the North and Scotland.

Conservative Benches : More! More!

Barry Levinson (East Wicke) (Lab): Your new best friend, Mark Britnell, hates the NHS, why is he your adviser?

The Prime Minister: I don't know this person and have never met him. I believe he was an adviser to the last government! Ha! Ha!

　

　

　

　

Questions and Answers with Education Secretary Michael Gove

Simon Lime: You've cancelled Labour's school-building programme, claiming it was grossly inefficient and costly. What are you proposing instead?

Michael Gove: I'm glad you've asked me this question Simon. Yes, the shockingly wasteful Labour government spent millions of pounds on pointlessly ambitious school buildings with top class facilities and inspiring architecture. I have a raft of proposals that will radically reform the schools system and provide more new schools for a fraction of the cost.

Simon: What are your proposals?

Michael: We propose special education zones where building regulations can be relaxed to allow companies and collectives to develop ultra-cheap school buildings for the poor. Since the sad decline in factory farming many chicken sheds and such-like have fallen out of use. These disused environments could be converted into Free Schools for disadvantaged children. They may lack windows and central heating but think of the savings in bills and maintenance. THE POOR MUST BE EDUCATED!

The 'chicken shed' approach would allow for much larger classes, thus cutting the number of teachers required. Also, by doing away with chairs and tables the space can double as a sports hall.

Simon: What are the changes you want to see in the school curriculum?

Michael:  I want to see a return to traditional values in education. The Romans, the Victorians, go-getters, the Royals, long division, spelling tests, Latin, reeling off world capital cities, solving equations by hand, learning facts by heart, that kind of thing.

Simon: So no history of the atom bomb, either of the Great Wars or industrialisation? No mention of socialism, communism or revolution, and no analysis of slavery, colonialisation and unionisation.

Michael: No, none of that, strictly non-twentieth century stuff, it's not proper history because it's just too recent and not relevant. We want tales of grandeur, splendour, battles won, battles lost. Nothing too nuanced.

Simon: You wouldn't like to acknowledge the birth of the internet and home computing?

Michael: No you see that is partly where we've gone wrong. All this technology has taken away our ability to remember facts. Text speak and mobile phones have corrupted our language, we should be independent of computers and technology, not dependent.

Simon:  So you don't acknowledge technology of the last 60 years?

Michael:  I use it, but you know, what's wrong with a pen and paper?

Simon: Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Education, thank you.