The
daily fairytale. It’s no coincidence that government briefings tend
to happen at 5pm.
Randy
Pandy (played by Matt):
Hello
children, here is today’s story. It’s important that you remember
that we are nice people, just like you. We mean you no harm and
always have your best interests at heart. We love you and your
family. We’ll be there for you when you need us. Some of you might
be feeling a bit poorly today. We’re sorry to hear that. It is
desperately sad. We hope you will get better. Sadly, not all of you
will. That is an unavoidable tragedy but be reassured that your
deaths are heroic. You are heroes and will be honoured with cut-price
funerals attended by a minimal number of mourners. If you’ve been
really good, we will put a silver sticker on your coffin and maybe
even a single cut flower.
Our technicians have created some wonderful games for you to play on your phone during home-stay. You can play them and help us track down the naughty people who aren’t obeying all of our instructions. They are spreading the illness. If we stop them then we’ll all miraculously get better. That’s what the clever people are telling us. Please download the games, EVERYONE, as they will make you feel like you are contributing to our probably fruitless efforts to combat the poorliness that has mysteriously beset so many. Your personal information will only be shared with far-right organisations in the US. Remember STAY INSIDE. If you feel unwell, call your local life-cessation advice line and they will arrange for a fresh body-bag to be delivered, usually within five working days. If breathing becomes difficult just unlock your door, roll inside and someone will call, after you expire, to zip you in. We aim to get you zipped up within a target timeframe of 48 hours.
Now for some questions, Laura (Tartan Sockpuppet), you look like you might not last till the end, better let you go first!
Tartan Sockpuppet (Laura): Thank you, such a beneficial and munificent aura you have today minister! Yesterday’s storytime mentioned that tomorrow, i.e. today, we would have jam and scones at storytime, yet we see no jam and no scones, please explain?
Randy Pandy (Matt): Ah yes, wonderful question Laura, and one that I rather expected: we must be telepathic! Yes, you must remember, Laura, that yesterday’s stories don’t necessarily share continuity with today’s. Whereas, sometimes stories are episodic and share characters who may progress, go on a journey, if you like, over multiple episodes, our stories are not like that. Our stories very much live only in that moment, for that brief beautiful moment when we are together, just before bedtime. They are a means of conveying momentary comfort. We don’t expect you to remember what happened yesterday. They are just stories. If you remember a promise of jam and bread, or even scones, then I must take you at your word, but I have no such recollection. However, the absence of jam, bread, or even scones, would seem to indicate that no such promise was made and if we can be sure of anything then it is that we would never break such a solemn promise, even if it were, as such, made in jest.
Does that answer your question?
Tartan sockpuppet (Laura): Yes, thank you minister. It is clear to me now that no such promise was made. We’re very grateful for your clarity on this important but also somewhat frivolous matter. To be clear, was it scones or bread that was promised?
Randy Pandy (Matt): I think bread. OK, next question, Colin (Cashmere sockpuppet)?
Cashmere sockpuppet (Colin): Thank you minister. Your hair looks nice and your smile is a joy. At yesterday’s storytime, if my memory serves me well: I accept it may be faulty, I feel that it was indicated that not only would we have jam and scones but the nice people bringing us these delicious treats would wear masks, gloves and aprons, just in case we were feeling poorly, so they wouldn’t get sick. Please could you tell us if you have provided these gloves, masks and suchlike to keep us all safe from the insidious sickness that seems to be affecting so many?
Randy Pandy (Matt): Thank you Colin (Cashmere sockpuppet). I’ll hand that question over to my assistant Bev (Slipper sockpuppet). Bev.
Slipper sockpuppet (Bev): Yes, thank you for your question Colin. It is a very important issue for all of us at storytime. The safety of those looking after us is vital and has been at the forefront of all of our minds, especially those serving our refreshments. I can reassure you that every effort is being made to ensure the safety of our hardworking first refreshers and that we discuss this everyday, for at least five minutes. Matt is always saying, “Cor! It’s so brave of those people to serve us without any protective equipment whatsoever. We could have the virus, they could have the virus, anyone could: So brave!”
Randy Pandy (Matt): We don’t want to create an impression of panic or alarm during storytime. People want to be comforted. I appreciate that. I can reassure you that we are doing everything in our power to look after these heroes, because that is what they are. Absolute bloody heroes! There would be no storytime if it wasn’t for them. That’s why I have commissioned a special set of storytime badges for all of them, so they know how special they are. I was just saying to my dearest mother the other day, “Oh, they are such heroes!” and she agreed with me entirely. I’m a regular guy, just like you Colin, but I’m trying to do an impossible job, to the best of my ability in trying circumstances, but we will succeed. I’m sure of it. We just have to keep on going; telling the stories everyday; keeping you happy; maintaining that upbeat, chirpy, go-get-’em attitude. We’re gonna get through this, Colin.
Cashmere sockpuppet (Colin): Thank you minister. So no masks, gloves and aprons, as such, yet, but maybe tomorrow? Thank you.
Pinstripe sockpuppet (Rashid): Minister, a lot of people are dying from this mysterious sickness, it is very distressing, stock markets have crashed, currencies have weakened, government debt is ballooning, what do all these deaths mean for the economy?
Randy Pandy (Matt): Ah, thank you Rashid. The economy is something very close to my heart. I think about this all the time - but what about the economy? The economy. The economy. After every storytime I put on my slippers, sip some ovaltine, or whatever it is normal people drink, and think about the economy. I’m usually holding my mug very tightly, with both hands. It is obviously sad that people have died, we can’t deny that, but as grown-ups we must look at the bigger picture. Numbers. People can die but the economy can never stop. It must continue. Without the economy our lives have no meaning. It is everything. The economy. I hope to kickstart the economy soon. As soon as possible. It is the number one priority for everybody at storytime. I can assure you - we’ve got this, we’re on it. We’ll get it sorted, ASAP. Those numbers will be trending upwards in no time. Worry a bit, but not too much. You can trust us, on the economy.
Pinstripe sockpuppet (Rashid): Thank you minister. I’m sure everyone will be reassured by your unfounded confidence.
Randy Pandy (Matt): OK, everyone, that’s been a lovely storytime review, I’m sure you’ll all agree. Some lovely but searching questions were asked and I think they have been comprehensively answered. Thank you, stay at home, don’t go out, trust us. Goodnight everyone. Don’t die! Stop the dying, it’s no good for anyone. OK, goodnight. Bye. Bye. Goodnight. Download the app!
