G-No meets Paltrow: Graham Norton interviews Gwyneth Paltrow, Lady Gaga, Geoffrey Rush and a second camp Irish comedian.

Graham does a few primetime BBC 1 jokes mostly about his guests.

G-No: Before 10pm I'm everybody's best friend but as soon as the clock strikes ten I'm free to take the piss!!! You have been warned; wooohooo! Now, here is the woman of the moment - Lady Gaga!!

Gaga gyrates awkwardly while myriad dancers strut behind her, she shrieks, "Judas! Judas!" in a scene seeming to parody 80s Madonna.

G-No: Wasn't that great everybody! Gaga will be joining us once she's changed into a slightly more awkward outfit!

Sitting on the sofa are Gwyneth Paltrow, Geoffrey Rush and another Irish comedian.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Would you like to try some of my vegetarian paella? I made it especially as I am publicising my new career as a celebrity cook.

G-No: O....K?

Graham, Geoffrey Rush, and the 2nd Camp Irish Comedian take a spoonful each.

Geoffrey Rush: What are those big vegetables?

Paltrow: Artichokes.

G-No: I'd stick to the acting, seriously. Didn't you once set fire to a duck?

Paltrow: Yes, I was spit-roasting some duck and it caught fire. I threw it in the swimming pool.

G-No: Ha. Ha. Great!

2nd Camp Irish Comedian: I'm here to publicise my tour and fill in the gaps when the conversation dips! Once, when I was performing, something funny happened. It was great!

G-No: Hilarious!

Geoffrey Rush: I've got a lonnngg boooring aanecdote fromm the paaaast. It's nottt that funnyy but iitt doooes invooolve nuuudittyyy.

G-No: Great, thanks Geoffrey.

Paltrow: Hey Graham I can rap! Yo MUTHAF###A!

G-No: Whoah! More please!

Paltrow: Yeah MUTHAF###A, f@*# da police! NWA in da house!

G-No: Tee, hee, hee. Extraordinary!

Paltrow: I can rap and cook and sing! I'm a great Mom! I'm hip! I love England, it's so quaint!

Lady Gaga sidles in wearing a Greek Orthodox wedding dress.

G-No: Helllooo Gaagaa!

Gaga: I love my fans!

G-No: You wear such crazy outfits don't you.

Gaga: Yes.

Paltrow: I've been to one of Gaga's concerts. We're buddies.

Gaga: I gave you my THIERRY MUGLER (TM) perfume.

Paltrow: Yes. I thought, 'she smells nice', and I asked her what the scent was that she was wearing.

Gaga: It was THIERRY MUGLER (TM) perfume....which I gave to her. I'm generous and profitable.

G-No: Right.

Gaga: I love my fans sooo much. Don't forget to buy THIERRY MUGLER (TM) perfume everyone!!!

G-No: Actually one of your fans has made a load of tiny doll-sized versions of your most famous outfits.

Gaga: Oh. OK.

G-No: I've got them here.

Gaga: OK. Interesting. I love my fans.

G-No: Now you're going to perform your latest hit aren't you? Everyone it's 'Born This Way'!

Gaga simulates an awkward orgy with her backing dancers in a tub of goo, whilst singing 'Born This Way'. The end credits roll.

J-Ro Meets Paltrow (Jonathan Ross Interviews Gwyneth Paltrow)

Jonathan is wearing a blue suit with yellow shirt and striped tie.
Gwyneth is wearing a black miniskirt, loose black top and 4 inch heels.

J-Ro: Phwooaww, yaw well fit you are!

Rubs Trousers

Gwyneth: Errr....thank you. I didn't know you cared.

Jonathan jumps up on his desk and starts to gyrate his pelvis.

J-Ro: I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it.

Jonathan gets down.

J-Ro: Make mine a pint of Gwyneth with a smooth, creamy head! What's it like being so fit?

Gwyneth: I'm starring opposite Robert Downey Junior in 'Iron Man'. Robert's a fantastic actor.

J-Ro: I bet he's constantly trying to look up your skirt, the sly old fox!

Gwyneth: My husband would not approve of that! Robert's a real gentleman and a great actor.

J-Ro: What's it like having such fit legs? I definitely would.

Gwyneth: Some parts of the film were improvised, which was a great challenge for serious actors like myself and Robert. Robert's a great actor. My husband is also very devoted to me and our children. He takes them out and plays with them. We're just like a regular couple. We're rarely apart, apart from when I'm filming or he's touring.

J-Ro: I've got kids, you've had kids, and yet I'd still like to take you back to my place for some good old-fashioned hanky-panky.

Gwyneth: My husband is a very caring man. I'm normal. My film is 'Iron Man' where I star opposite Robert Downey Junior. Filming was a lot of fun.

J-Ro: It's OK, my wife doesn't mind, she's a 21st century kind of woman.

Gwyneth: I'm pretty normal. It's so nice to be here in England. London is so quaint!

J-Ro: Gwyneth Paltrow, it's been great having you on the show. Hasn't she been great everyone?

They brush cheeks as Gwyneth exits to applause.

J-Ro: And now it's time for my next guest. Mr Wicky Gerwais!