The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron):
There are many ways to clean up a mess: some people would simply remove it in its entirety, I favour smearing it around until it has virtually disappeared, sweeping a little bit under everybody's door and hoping for the best.
I will now smear everyone with a little bit of muck. Firstly I will deposit a large quantity on the police. They are rubbish but brave, dishonest but wholesome. I propose that the police no longer promote from within and that I be allowed to ferry in anyone I like to the top policing jobs. That's the police comprehensively smeared and put down, let's be clear.
On the subject of the emails between Assistant Commissioner John Yates and my Chief Of Staff Ed Llewellyn: my staff have investigated themselves and found themselves to be entirely in the right. That's my staff wiped clean around the mouth with a hankie.
As for the BSkyB bid I wasn't involved and my staff have told me I did everything right. The Cabinet Secretary says everything was, and is, fine. He has inspected my backside and my coat-tails and found them to be entirely clean and unruffled.
I've never met Neil Wallis and neither have any of my friends. All of my friends are shiny and bright, almost sparklingly bright and shiny. They are clean.
As for Andy Coulson - he should go to prison!
Now let's not have any of that cheap political point-scoring like I used to do!
Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab):
You are tragic and incompetent.
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