The centre-right political commentator Stewart Lee has been critical of
the UK government’s privatisation of the maintenance of jungle canyon rope
bridges. In a recent column for The Independent he claimed that a lack of
investment in jungle maintenance has contributed to the incidence of pirate
zombie infestations in the UK [1]. This article aims to examine the impact of
privatisation on jungle maintenance contracts and the connections, if any, with
recorded pirate zombie attacks.
During the 1980s maintenance of Britain’s jungle transport
infrastructure was parcelled out to privately run jungle maintenance firms
following the sell-off of the British Jungle Maintenance Corporation. Three
firms took control of almost 90% of the jungle maintenance market: UK Jungle
Maintenance Incorporated, Pirata Limited and Arcanum. [Pirata grew its business
throughout the 1990s to eventually control 60% of jungle maintenance
contracts.]
The onset of privatisation on 6th June 1984 corresponded
with a halving in investment in UK jungle infrastructure. This came to a head on
13th September 1989 when the Coventry Canyon Bridge Collapse resulted in the
deaths of 60 people during the morning rush hour and a further 23 people
injured. The sudden failure of a jungle canyon rope bridge prompted emergency
inspections of rope bridges throughout Britain; as a result 13 jungle canyon
rope bridges were closed for urgent strengthening work. 1990 saw the
introduction of a formal inspection regime for jungle canyon rope bridges
overseen by the newly instituted Jungle Maintenance Board, JuMBo, led by the
Lancastrian academic Sir Bodes Royson and a team of retired jungle maintenance
professionals many of whom had been made redundant when the British Jungle
Maintenance Corporation was sold off.
The Coventry Canyon Bridge Collapse was one of a series of high profile
failures in privately maintained infrastructure that shook the public’s faith
in the new privatisation agenda of the Thatcher government. Senior political
commentators at the time like the BBC’s John Coles believe this hastened the
end of Margaret Thatcher’s reign as Conservative Party leader [2].
The maintenance of jungle canyon rope bridges is a politically
important topic in the present day due to the increasing fear of attacks from
pirate zombie infestations. As is well documented, pirate zombies are generally
confined to the hard to reach areas of the jungle due to their slow movement
and inability to overcome the most basic natural obstacles. However, increasing
urban expansion and growth in the numbers of jungle pathways has brought
commuters ever closer to the areas where pirate zombies are most common and has
provided routes whereby pirate zombies can roam closer to suburban areas.
Jungle maintenance can be a dangerous job and maintenance crews often demand
armed protection when operating deep within the rainforest.
In 2010 it was revealed that the UK’s leading provider of jungle
maintenance, Pirata, had been secretly encouraging pirate zombie infestations
through its offshore holding company Pirata Holdings Haiti LLC. A small group
of mystery-investigating teenagers accompanied by a Great Dane uncovered a plot
to discourage rival companies from bidding for contracts by driving up the
incidence of pirate zombie attacks. The attacks would mysteriously end when
Pirata gained control of the maintenance contracts. A little-known government
incentives scheme also allowed Pirata to earn tax credits for the sudden
reduction in pirate zombie infestations when they took over the work. Paperwork relating
to Pirata’s underhand scheme was discovered by a bespectacled student investigating an
abandoned gold mine. Further evidence was forthcoming when a Pirata regional manager
was found masquerading as a pirate zombie at a derelict fairground.
Tax justice groups have called for a boycott of all Pirata-maintained
jungle canyon rope bridges due to their use of offshore shell companies to
shield their profits from tax. One group called Occupy the Jungle have even
been clearing their own bespoke jungle pathways. The government’s response to
this phenomenon has been to bring in legislation requiring that all groups of 5 people or less entering the
jungle be accompanied by a cowardly dog, a handy bag of biscuit snacks and that they receive
training in hiding in incongruously placed barrels while exclaiming, “Like oh
no!”
In conclusion, Stewart Lee is right to claim that the privatisation of
jungle rope bridge maintenance in the 1980s contributed to an increase in the
numbers of pirate zombie infestations. However, he overlooks another significant
factor in the increasing use of jungle pathways by psychedelia-influenced adventure-seeking
teenagers with canines, often popularised in the media as ‘meddling kids’. The
government must further legislate against the creation of unauthorised jungle
pathways by meddling kids to stem the resurgence of accompanying pirate zombie
infestations and protect the profits of private jungle maintenance enterprises.
The author of this article, John Swaney, received an offer of a year’s
paid sabbatical in Barbados working for Pirata Limited just prior to the
publication of this article.
[1] Stewart Lee ‘My Worthless Life’ The Independent 31/5/2014
[2] Margaret Thatcher Foundation ‘Interview with John Coles’ 9/4/1992.
