An exploration of the privatisation of British jungle infrastructure maintenance and its impact on pirate zombie infestations

The centre-right political commentator Stewart Lee has been critical of the UK government’s privatisation of the maintenance of jungle canyon rope bridges. In a recent column for The Independent he claimed that a lack of investment in jungle maintenance has contributed to the incidence of pirate zombie infestations in the UK [1]. This article aims to examine the impact of privatisation on jungle maintenance contracts and the connections, if any, with recorded pirate zombie attacks.

During the 1980s maintenance of Britain’s jungle transport infrastructure was parcelled out to privately run jungle maintenance firms following the sell-off of the British Jungle Maintenance Corporation. Three firms took control of almost 90% of the jungle maintenance market: UK Jungle Maintenance Incorporated, Pirata Limited and Arcanum. [Pirata grew its business throughout the 1990s to eventually control 60% of jungle maintenance contracts.]

The onset of privatisation on 6^th June 1984 corresponded with a halving in investment in UK jungle infrastructure. This came to a head on 13th September 1989 when the Coventry Canyon Bridge Collapse resulted in the deaths of 60 people during the morning rush hour and a further 23 people injured. The sudden failure of a jungle canyon rope bridge prompted emergency inspections of rope bridges throughout Britain; as a result 13 jungle canyon rope bridges were closed for urgent strengthening work. 1990 saw the introduction of a formal inspection regime for jungle canyon rope bridges overseen by the newly instituted Jungle Maintenance Board, JuMBo, led by the Lancastrian academic Sir Bodes Royson and a team of retired jungle maintenance professionals many of whom had been made redundant when the British Jungle Maintenance Corporation was sold off.

The Coventry Canyon Bridge Collapse was one of a series of high profile failures in privately maintained infrastructure that shook the public’s faith in the new privatisation agenda of the Thatcher government. Senior political commentators at the time like the BBC’s John Coles believe this hastened the end of Margaret Thatcher’s reign as Conservative Party leader [2].

The maintenance of jungle canyon rope bridges is a politically important topic in the present day due to the increasing fear of attacks from pirate zombie infestations. As is well documented, pirate zombies are generally confined to the hard to reach areas of the jungle due to their slow movement and inability to overcome the most basic natural obstacles. However, increasing urban expansion and growth in the numbers of jungle pathways has brought commuters ever closer to the areas where pirate zombies are most common and has provided routes whereby pirate zombies can roam closer to suburban areas. Jungle maintenance can be a dangerous job and maintenance crews often demand armed protection when operating deep within the rainforest.

In 2010 it was revealed that the UK’s leading provider of jungle maintenance, Pirata, had been secretly encouraging pirate zombie infestations through its offshore holding company Pirata Holdings Haiti LLC. A small group of mystery-investigating teenagers accompanied by a Great Dane uncovered a plot to discourage rival companies from bidding for contracts by driving up the incidence of pirate zombie attacks. The attacks would mysteriously end when Pirata gained control of the maintenance contracts. A little-known government incentives scheme also allowed Pirata to earn tax credits for the sudden reduction in pirate zombie infestations when they took over the work. Paperwork relating to Pirata’s underhand scheme was discovered by a bespectacled student investigating an abandoned gold mine. Further evidence was forthcoming when a Pirata regional manager was found masquerading as a pirate zombie at a derelict fairground.

Tax justice groups have called for a boycott of all Pirata-maintained jungle canyon rope bridges due to their use of offshore shell companies to shield their profits from tax. One group called Occupy the Jungle have even been clearing their own bespoke jungle pathways. The government’s response to this phenomenon has been to bring in legislation requiring that  all groups of 5 people or less entering the jungle be accompanied by a cowardly dog, a handy bag of biscuit snacks and that they receive training in hiding in incongruously placed barrels while exclaiming, “Like oh no!”

In conclusion, Stewart Lee is right to claim that the privatisation of jungle rope bridge maintenance in the 1980s contributed to an increase in the numbers of pirate zombie infestations. However, he overlooks another significant factor in the increasing use of jungle pathways by psychedelia-influenced adventure-seeking teenagers with canines, often popularised in the media as ‘meddling kids’. The government must further legislate against the creation of unauthorised jungle pathways by meddling kids to stem the resurgence of accompanying pirate zombie infestations and protect the profits of private jungle maintenance enterprises.

The author of this article, John Swaney, received an offer of a year’s paid sabbatical in Barbados working for Pirata Limited just prior to the publication of this article.

[1] Stewart Lee ‘My Worthless Life’ The Independent 31/5/2014

[2] Margaret Thatcher Foundation ‘Interview with John Coles’ 9/4/1992.

Flatlining in the Danger Zone

With record low interest rates and rising inflation, capitalists are searching for good returns on their money. Capitalism has been propped up by state borrowing and Quantitative Easing, causing governments to run up large budget deficits. Capitalists and governments own the government debt and they want a return on that investment, thus they are forcing up the interest rates for this debt, starting with countries they think will be less able to repay.

Governments gave capitalists money which they then invested in government bonds, seen as a safe haven, along with gold, in times of crisis. The capitalists want a return on their investment so governments are paying banks and financial institutions interest on the money they leant the capitalists to bail them out.

In order to service their debts, and please the capitalists, governments are implementing programmes of tax rises and cuts to services. Governments that issue their own currencies have further flexibility in their programmes because they can create new money. This is effectively a tax on everything that is imported from areas using stronger currencies because the home currency is devalued. It boosts companies that export to areas trading in other currencies because their goods suddenly become cheaper for these countries to buy.

All major developed economies are following the same programme of spending cuts, tax rises and Quantitative Easing simultaneously, negating the benefits but also ameliorating the downsides. Will any major economy break the stalemate and issue more money, risking higher inflation but potentially boosting exports?

The state possesses many levers in this situation: it can regulate, legislate, set taxes, pay benefits, print money and hire or fire workers. Due to the global reach of big businesses, however, the powers of individual countries acting alone are diminished. Any country that imposes too much regulation or sets taxes too high risks losing businesses, and their tax revenues, to neighbouring states. This downward pressure means only joint action by major economic powers can reign in the demands of global businesses.

Economic leaders like George Osborne in Britain have implemented stringent austerity measures to please the markets and keep the interest payments on government debt low. In the US, Barack Obama agreed to implement only half the spending cuts demanded by the credit-rating agency Standard & Poor's with his Republican opponents. Standard & Poor's subsequently downgraded the US AAA credit rating. However interest rates on US Treasury Bonds continued to decline, with investors ignoring the ratings advice.

Individuals, and society in general, face wage freezes, rising prices, increased taxation, reduced services, reduced benefits, increased retirement age. Debtors, such as mortgage holders benefit from the low rate of interest. Growth will only arrive when banks have rebuilt their balance sheets and begin lending money, individuals feel wealthy enough to start spending or governments relax their austerity measures.

Capito-Socio-Stateism

I am not an economist but I have been forced to dig deeper into economics over the last two years in order to understand short-selling, the banking crisis, mortgage-backed securities and sovereign wealth funds.

There are three intricately-linked masses I identify: capitalism, state-ism and socialism. The state provides benefits and services and receives revenues from taxation: taxes are levied on businesses (capitalism) and individuals (society). Capitalism (business) earns revenue by providing services and goods; it pays some taxes to the state. Society (individuals) gives money to capitalists through investment and in return for services, some earn revenues through shares, they pay taxes to the state and receive some services and benefits in return, they are employed by the state or by capitalists, some do not work or work for themselves.

In a boom, capitalism grows quickly, money flows easily in terms of investment from individuals. Services are in demand, as are goods. The state benefits in terms of healthy tax revenues. Individuals are thus paid more by the state and by business, fuelling even greater demand for goods and services. Unfortunately those who are out of work are left behind. 

With all the money swirling around, capitalism is an enormous, growing, behemoth with nothing to rein it in. Profits outstrip growth in wages and taxation. Everyone is happy, apart from those who are unemployed. The state creates jobs for these people and capitalism provides loans so they can join in too. Where can this go wrong? Unfortunately the supply of capital is essentially finite, for capitalism to get very big, in economic terms, society and the state must shrink. The state is getting bigger so individual wealth must therefore be diminishing rapidly. When individual wealth dries up so will investment and demand for goods and services. In order to maintain the boom, capitalists lend money to the state and individuals so they can keep spending. Thanks capitalism! When the loans are due to be repaid there is no money left. Capitalism's ever-growing pyramid has been undermined at its foundations by giving away millions of tiny bricks, each insignificant on their own but combined together the weight is too great. Capitalism's pyramid begins to collapse into a disordered pile.

Individuals withdraw their investment and stop buying goods and services. Tax revenues from business drop. Faced with losing its income, the state offers to support capitalism. The state is the only entity that can create money from thin air. The downside is that increasing the amount of money decreases its value. Capitalism says, "Thanks very much!" we will lend you some of our money so that you can keep the economy going. Capitalism's diminished and disordered pyramid is propped up at the foundations. The state continues borrowing from the top of capitalism's diminished but still abundant pile and creates money out of thin air to keep its wheels turning; thus compensating for the loss of taxes. People gradually start to re-invest their money and purchase services. 

Capitalism now says, "We're OK, thanks for the help, please could we have our money back?"

The state says, "Yes, but because I have created money from thin air, I actually owe you less in real terms than I borrowed!" Capitalism says, "I expected some interest actually!"

Tax revenues are still low, so the state has to reduce its size to compensate. Services and benefits are cut, reducing individual's income further, people employed by the state are made redundant and pay is frozen. This hurts individual's wealth, along with the creation of money from thin air, which has devalued currency and made everything more expensive in real terms. This puts pressure back on business.

This is where we are now. George Osborne, Chancellor of the UK, is now taxing transactions more, through VAT, and cutting benefits and services. Transaction taxes directly inhibit growth. He is also gradually reducing taxation on business in an effort to make the UK more appealing to big business. In his favour is a reduction in individual taxation, through the raising of the level at which income tax is applied, and an increase in Capital Gains Tax. Both of these measures appear to have been adopted at the behest of the Liberal Democrats.

Individuals have very little surplus money. In order to fuel growth individual taxation needs to decrease or benefits need to increase. If individuals start spending money, business revenues will increase, thus increasing tax revenues and fuelling private sector employment. The state can then repay some of the loans it has received and gradually reduce Quantitative Easing.

Parliament Meets The Murdochs

Chairman: Let’s begin

James Murdoch: Can we write tomorrow’s papers now?

Dreary Chairman: No, I’d like to press on, that will have to wait until the end.

James Murdoch: In that case at least allow us to provide the headline, Dad -

Rupert: Today is the most humble day of my life.

Tom Watson: Mr Murdoch, do you do bad stuff?

James: Can I answer that question?

TW: I’d like to hear your father’s answer.

Rupert: ................................... ......................................nope [Thumps Desk] ....

Tom Watson: Do you know anything about phone hacking at the News Of The World?

James: I might be able to provide a more detailed answer to that question.

Tom Watson: I’d like to hear Mr Murdoch’s answer.

Rupert: [Head Bowed] ....................................the News Of The World [thump]......................I don’t know anything about that [thump, thump, thump].........

James: I can provide all the detail if you would allow me...

Tom Watson: It is very revealing what your Father does and doesn’t know about his business.

James: The News Of The World is only 1% of our business. It is not an important part of our daily operations.

Tom Watson: Did you know that the News Of The World paid out huge sums to Gordon Taylor and Max Clifford in out-of-court settlements for phone hacking?

James Murdoch: We wouldn’t know anything about that. It’s nothing to do with us.

Tom Watson: Did you know that in a prior session this committee accused your executives of collective amnesia over phone hacking?

Rupert Murdoch: .............................I did not know that [smiles]..

Tom Watson: [smiling] Why are you smiling Mr Murdoch?

Rupert Murdoch: ....................When you say amnesia........you really mean lying.......

Bright Blazer Man: Hello Mr and Mr Murdoch. Who runs the News Of The World and who signs off large payments?

Rupert: .........................Les Hinton...............................he was in charge...

Scared Tory: Do you feel let down by those below you and who do you blame?

Rupert Murdoch: ...........I feel let down by them.........and by those below them who let them down...

Tough Scot: Do you regularly meet the Prime Minister?

Rupert: ... I have met him.... occasionally........Not as much as previous Prime Ministers....

Tough Scot: It is recorded that you met the PM at Downing Street, the day after the election, and that you entered by the back door. What was the purpose of this visit?

Rupert: ........I just dropped in........for tea............That was all..

Tough Scot: But you entered by the back door?

Rupert: ......yes.................that was their choice.....................I don’t know why...

Tough Scot: By the back door?

Rupert: ...Yes.

Tough Scot: So you entered by the back door.

Rupert: .....Yes...

Tough Scot: The back door.

Scared Tory: Do you regularly meet Prime Ministers?

Rupert: Yes, I was great mates with Gordon Brown. We went on holiday together, played backgammon, went down the pub, played darts, went shooting, ate foie gras, discussed economics. He was a great guy. I bought a bouncy castle for his kids, made fairy cakes with his wife........but we fell out.......I miss those times.....

Thérèse Coffey:  Why did you close the News Of The World?

Rupert: ............We lost the trust of the readers.....

James Murdoch: The quantum of business was no longer optimal.

Rupert: My Dad exposed the farce of Gallipoli............ so no-one in the British establishment liked me........I’m a rebel............ an outsider............I won people’s hearts with tits, sex scandals and football.....................did I mention that the Sun has extended football coverage every Monday?

James: Everything I did I did because my lawyers and advisors told me to. I can provide written answers to all your questions.

Dreary Chairman: Now a final question from Louise Mensch.

Wendi Murdoch: Oh No!

A foam pie is pushed into Rupert’s face.

Dreary Chairman: We will adjourn for ten minutes.

                                                                                                       

Chairman: We’re very sorry for that assault.

Rupert: It’s OK.

Tom Watson: Mrs Murdoch has a mean left hook.

Louise Mensch: Mr Murdoch do you think you should resign over this affair?

Rupert: .........................Nope................

Chairman: Thank you very much for attending and, once again, sorry for the assault.