We are nice people; we care. We will support nice things and improve the things that annoy you. The people in charge are bad, very bad, they are nasty bullies. We aren't like them except we will do the things that they do that you like, without being bullies. There will be cuts, but not to the things you like. The National Health Service will not be changed, at all, because we know you like it. Also, nice things for kids won't be cut, because 'hard-working (not lazy) families' like them. We will cut taxes proposed by the bullies and use the money we save from cutting taxes to pay for 'cancer drugs', because we don't like cancer and neither do you. So we'll cut taxes and give you more stuff you like.
No-one will have to lose their jobs because the bullies in charge are not only dislikeable but also inefficient. They spend money on stuff we don't see and don't need so we will cut this stuff and pay off the money the government gave to the banks because of their shocking incompetence. (We used to want to be like Ireland, with really low taxes and much less regulation, but now Ireland has gone bust so we don't want to be like them anymore, or at least that's what we're saying for now.) Anything that is bad is nothing to do with us: we're good and all our friends say so, the tycoon-owned press and rich, tax-avoiding business people for example. They know low taxes are right because taxes cost them money.
ADDENDUM
The money we thought we had was spent on grossly inefficient projects like schools, hospitals, aeroplanes and ships. We're getting rid of all that because the money was wasted. These items were bought using loans that we want to pay off, it's like a giant credit card that no-one ever told us about. Don't fear though because we are friends with the Bank of Richer People, who gave us the loans, and have assured them the situation will be dealt with swiftly. Unfortunately we told them you were mostly going to have to lose your jobs. Don't fear because we will create new jobs somehow, by cutting regulations (like stuff that stops people dying or being ripped off) and devaluing currency we will make British products much cheaper for foreigners to buy. (The downside is the majority of stuff you buy is made overseas and will thus be more expensive.) Those who keep their jobs will be paid less for working longer hours and everything will cost more. Once we have paid off the richer people (not our friends!) we will cut taxes to ensure you still like us.
Sadly, what we said about the NHS was a mistake, the stuff you like is all going to have to go after all, but hey, we're nice and we're right, all our friends say so, so listen to them, not those other guys, the incompetent ones who have no plans( which we have not copied) and aren't friends with richer people (well they were for a bit).
Love,
Dave, Michael, William (not Gay) and George
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