David Cameron’s Speech to the Conservative Party Conference, Manchester 2011

My name is David Cameron. I am a Conservative Party politician and Prime Minister of Great Britain. I’m so proud!

My party never walks on by on the other side, apart from when we’re in a roped off VIP area drinking champagne! We helped out in Libya because there is loads of oil there, we need oil! To the people of Bahrain, Syria, Yemen, Zimbabwe, Plaistow, Rotherham and Hackney I say, “Find some more oil and we’ll help you out too!”

The army and police are great. They wear uniforms.

I wish everybody wasn’t so pessimistic all the time. Hey, I know the Conservatives are in power, I know we told you everything was awful to justify the cuts but look on the bright side, it can’t get any worse, can it?

Well, actually it can get worse, a whole lot worse. The British economy isn’t growing. Greece can’t afford to pay its debts and default could affect a number of major European banks. The western economies are all balancing on the edge of a precipice. This recession isn’t a normal recession, it’s a depression. Excessive government austerity has stalled growth. This is partly our fault. We’ve stood by and watched the Eurozone crisis, unhelpfully shouting, “Sort it out!” every five minutes. Maybe we should be more involved but really we want it all to fail and prove our policies right.

Building an economy is like building a house. We inherited a house that needed significant repairs but George Osborne cut away the foundations and now it is leaning to the right.

Let me say this: I am a halibut. While I am Prime Minister I shall remain a halibut and wish to be referred to as such always.

Of course this is all Labour’s fault, they continued deregulating the financial system to sideline the Conservatives and it all went horribly wrong. Well now we’re back and can continue the deregulation they continued without upsetting any bankers. Those with the most money have nothing to fear when the Conservatives are in office. Why would we do anything to hurt our biggest backers and indeed, ourselves?

To the Unions I say, you were offered jobs with pensions that we have no intention of honouring, so it is only fair that we renege on the deal and blame you for the economic woes of the country. Ha!

I love the NHS, I’m going to use it as a front organisation to channel money to private healthcare firms in the US. These firms will pump some of that money back into the Conservative party via their UK subsidiaries. We can all agree that that is rather clever! It looks like I’m not privatising healthcare when really I am and I’m earning from it!

No more of this can't-do sogginess. Anyone can set-up a pyramid scheme or a hot-house telephone scam offering fictitious government grants for a small initial fee or a bogus charity pretending to collect second-hand clothes for the poor when really they're selling them as new in Tanzania.  This is the Britain I want to see more of: supermarkets selling out of date yoghurts and gone off chickens; lax safety regimes that lead to workers being seriously injured. Put your safety at risk, take off those hard hats remove the safety rails and sell them for scrap. These are the engines of growth in our economy.

We want High Speed Rail, Superfast Broadband and more apprenticeships. We also want to allow house-builders to build on any land they want. Particularly the land in the green belt that has been bought up by land banking schemes and will suddenly increase markedly in value if planning laws are miraculously relaxed. They’ll be thanking us with donations for months. If you don’t like it, get stuffed!

When Labour say they want to fight inequality, what they really mean is they want to oppress the unfairly advantaged. We must fight equality wherever we see it!

Something really massive is happening in this country. The state is funding new religious schools, schools founded by hedge-fund millionaires and failing private schools without requiring  any input into their curriculum or how the money is spent. Councils are having their education funding taken away to give to Academies, leaving the remaining local schools with reduced budgets. We are leading the long road back to rigour, back to pencil and paper, back to textbooks, blackboards and corporal punishment, back to the 1950s and hopefully back to the early 1900s. Mental arithmetic and proper punctuation are what the modern world requires, not computers, the internet and a good understanding of broadcast media: it’s too confusing for their little heads. My child said to me the other day, “Daddy, what’s the cane?”, these kids have no idea. At their age I was smoking cannabis and dreaming of the Bullingdon Club. These are the skills that will produce the under-employed engineers and scientists that currently block up low paid jobs in our economy.

I haven’t finished my speech properly because it didn’t quite work out but here are some disjointed statements to finish up.

Leadership works.

I want to tear down private schools and replace them with state comprehensives, I think?

Youth unemployment, soaring inflation, VAT hikes: the Conservatives are back in government! 

I want to scrap the Human Rights Act. Human rights are not guaranteed for all, I’ll decide who deserves human rights and no-one else. (Beat that Gaddafi!)

I’m going to spend up to £14,000 on everyone who’s been unemployed for five years. Apply now; when it’s gone it’s gone! *Terms and conditions apply, your soul may be repossessed if you claim benefits again or fail to leave the country when asked, Irish Travellers need not apply.

In the 1980s Margaret Thatcher facilitated the sell-off of council houses. A whole generation of council tenants benefited from discounted house prices and subsequently scaled the property ladder. Luckily there isn’t much social housing around anymore but we thought we’d try and sell what’s left, just to be sure.

I don’t believe in true justice, just fast justice. A fair trial is a quick trial, so let’s speed things up and use the savings for tax cuts!

I love kids. I want more childcare, more health visitors and relationship support but I’m a millionaire, so I can pay for it. If you want this stuff marry a fat, old, rich man.

Marriage doesn’t lead to arguments, years of bitterness and extensive emotional distress. It is a sacred institution that I want to reward with money.

Isn’t it great when people do things for free that they are usually paid for. Like when someone gives you a shoeshine and at the end you just say, “Thanks!” and leave without paying  or a waiter brings you your dinner then you say, “Goodnight” and leave without tipping. It’s these little moments that make me feel warm inside, knowing I’ve a saved just a tiny fraction of my fortune for another day.

The only way to make a bigger society is to scrap Health and Safety legislation. Young people need to do National Citizen’s Service. Britannia used to rule the waves until I scrapped the aircraft carriers. I hate armbands. I am a God.

Thank you! 

No parts of this speech were hastily re-written following an overtly negative reaction from the press corp.

A Speech by the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, to the Conservative Party Conference, Manchester 2011

Unlike Gordon Brown I respect my work colleagues. Thanks to William Hague and Danny Alexander for making me look clever!

Three sets of people are to blame for the economic crisis that happened 3 years ago. A subject that has been discussed at length ever since:

The last Government for deregulating the banks, something we would never do.

Bankers for lending money and doing stuff I don’t understand.

Europeans for allowing everyone to trade with the same currency: patently a ridiculous idea.

This is a debt crisis caused by debt. The only way to stop debts is to sell off all your stuff to richer people who can then profit from your misery.

I’ve given the Bank of England oversight of the banks to stop them doing bad stuff. They are completely independent. However I’ve told them they have to keep interest rates low or else they’re sacked.

Things are looking bad at the moment. I can’t do anything about this: I’m powerless. We just need to hope for the best, ride out the storm and pray for a day when great prosperity will be bestowed on our people. (Hopefully through cutting public sector jobs and lowering taxes.)

On the subject of tax, I don’t believe in temporary tax cuts however I’m announcing a freeze in council tax for 1 year!

At the Labour Party conference Tony Blair’s name was booed a bit. When you boo Tony Blair’s name you’re booing all the people who ever voted for him, even if they have since realised this was an error, and the whole of middle England! Remember that! Yeah!

(We are all in this together.)

I wrote the independent Vickers Report on banking reform by Sir John Vickers. It is great. Hardly any convincing regulations and some waffle about switching bank accounts! My city mates were very pleased!

One day I want Britain to make stuff. I don’t want to hear about China making an incredibly advanced aircraft, I want us to do that. Some may say, “Wait, didn’t we build the new Nimrod aircraft at enormous cost only for the planes to be torn apart by bulldozers at my behest!” I say, “They were the wrong sort of advanced aircraft, they were built under Labour!”

There was once an Industrial Revolution in Manchester. Industrialists became mega-rich by paying incredibly low wages. I hope those days will return soon.

If the Unions decide to go on strike I’m going to use them as a smokescreen for my failing economic policies. It’s only right! They expect pensions that were promised but haven’t been provided for by successive governments. Too bad. Private sector employees have been ripped off by companies spending their pensions for years and now the public sector can suffer too.

136 years ago the Conservatives brought in the Chimney Sweeper’s Act! That’s the last time we’ll help out low earners. I’m scrapping employment tribunals because in my view employees have no legitimate rights. People should be grateful for any kind of employment. There’s not a lot of it about!

I’ve said we should set up a Green Investment Bank. The UK only produces 2% of the World’s Carbon emissions. We never polluted much in the past either, the industrial revolution was notable for the fine air quality. To be honest, now we’re in power I’ve pretty much given up on all the ‘eco’ claptrap. Go forth and pollute. Everyone else does.

To sum up. The Euro problem is nothing to do with me. Keep your fingers crossed, I’m not changing my plans. I’m not doing anything at any time but I want you to feel like I am. You’re on your own.

Thank you.

Flatlining in the Danger Zone

With record low interest rates and rising inflation, capitalists are searching for good returns on their money. Capitalism has been propped up by state borrowing and Quantitative Easing, causing governments to run up large budget deficits. Capitalists and governments own the government debt and they want a return on that investment, thus they are forcing up the interest rates for this debt, starting with countries they think will be less able to repay.

Governments gave capitalists money which they then invested in government bonds, seen as a safe haven, along with gold, in times of crisis. The capitalists want a return on their investment so governments are paying banks and financial institutions interest on the money they leant the capitalists to bail them out.

In order to service their debts, and please the capitalists, governments are implementing programmes of tax rises and cuts to services. Governments that issue their own currencies have further flexibility in their programmes because they can create new money. This is effectively a tax on everything that is imported from areas using stronger currencies because the home currency is devalued. It boosts companies that export to areas trading in other currencies because their goods suddenly become cheaper for these countries to buy.

All major developed economies are following the same programme of spending cuts, tax rises and Quantitative Easing simultaneously, negating the benefits but also ameliorating the downsides. Will any major economy break the stalemate and issue more money, risking higher inflation but potentially boosting exports?

The state possesses many levers in this situation: it can regulate, legislate, set taxes, pay benefits, print money and hire or fire workers. Due to the global reach of big businesses, however, the powers of individual countries acting alone are diminished. Any country that imposes too much regulation or sets taxes too high risks losing businesses, and their tax revenues, to neighbouring states. This downward pressure means only joint action by major economic powers can reign in the demands of global businesses.

Economic leaders like George Osborne in Britain have implemented stringent austerity measures to please the markets and keep the interest payments on government debt low. In the US, Barack Obama agreed to implement only half the spending cuts demanded by the credit-rating agency Standard & Poor's with his Republican opponents. Standard & Poor's subsequently downgraded the US AAA credit rating. However interest rates on US Treasury Bonds continued to decline, with investors ignoring the ratings advice.

Individuals, and society in general, face wage freezes, rising prices, increased taxation, reduced services, reduced benefits, increased retirement age. Debtors, such as mortgage holders benefit from the low rate of interest. Growth will only arrive when banks have rebuilt their balance sheets and begin lending money, individuals feel wealthy enough to start spending or governments relax their austerity measures.

Capito-Socio-Stateism

I am not an economist but I have been forced to dig deeper into economics over the last two years in order to understand short-selling, the banking crisis, mortgage-backed securities and sovereign wealth funds.

There are three intricately-linked masses I identify: capitalism, state-ism and socialism. The state provides benefits and services and receives revenues from taxation: taxes are levied on businesses (capitalism) and individuals (society). Capitalism (business) earns revenue by providing services and goods; it pays some taxes to the state. Society (individuals) gives money to capitalists through investment and in return for services, some earn revenues through shares, they pay taxes to the state and receive some services and benefits in return, they are employed by the state or by capitalists, some do not work or work for themselves.

In a boom, capitalism grows quickly, money flows easily in terms of investment from individuals. Services are in demand, as are goods. The state benefits in terms of healthy tax revenues. Individuals are thus paid more by the state and by business, fuelling even greater demand for goods and services. Unfortunately those who are out of work are left behind. 

With all the money swirling around, capitalism is an enormous, growing, behemoth with nothing to rein it in. Profits outstrip growth in wages and taxation. Everyone is happy, apart from those who are unemployed. The state creates jobs for these people and capitalism provides loans so they can join in too. Where can this go wrong? Unfortunately the supply of capital is essentially finite, for capitalism to get very big, in economic terms, society and the state must shrink. The state is getting bigger so individual wealth must therefore be diminishing rapidly. When individual wealth dries up so will investment and demand for goods and services. In order to maintain the boom, capitalists lend money to the state and individuals so they can keep spending. Thanks capitalism! When the loans are due to be repaid there is no money left. Capitalism's ever-growing pyramid has been undermined at its foundations by giving away millions of tiny bricks, each insignificant on their own but combined together the weight is too great. Capitalism's pyramid begins to collapse into a disordered pile.

Individuals withdraw their investment and stop buying goods and services. Tax revenues from business drop. Faced with losing its income, the state offers to support capitalism. The state is the only entity that can create money from thin air. The downside is that increasing the amount of money decreases its value. Capitalism says, "Thanks very much!" we will lend you some of our money so that you can keep the economy going. Capitalism's diminished and disordered pyramid is propped up at the foundations. The state continues borrowing from the top of capitalism's diminished but still abundant pile and creates money out of thin air to keep its wheels turning; thus compensating for the loss of taxes. People gradually start to re-invest their money and purchase services. 

Capitalism now says, "We're OK, thanks for the help, please could we have our money back?"

The state says, "Yes, but because I have created money from thin air, I actually owe you less in real terms than I borrowed!" Capitalism says, "I expected some interest actually!"

Tax revenues are still low, so the state has to reduce its size to compensate. Services and benefits are cut, reducing individual's income further, people employed by the state are made redundant and pay is frozen. This hurts individual's wealth, along with the creation of money from thin air, which has devalued currency and made everything more expensive in real terms. This puts pressure back on business.

This is where we are now. George Osborne, Chancellor of the UK, is now taxing transactions more, through VAT, and cutting benefits and services. Transaction taxes directly inhibit growth. He is also gradually reducing taxation on business in an effort to make the UK more appealing to big business. In his favour is a reduction in individual taxation, through the raising of the level at which income tax is applied, and an increase in Capital Gains Tax. Both of these measures appear to have been adopted at the behest of the Liberal Democrats.

Individuals have very little surplus money. In order to fuel growth individual taxation needs to decrease or benefits need to increase. If individuals start spending money, business revenues will increase, thus increasing tax revenues and fuelling private sector employment. The state can then repay some of the loans it has received and gradually reduce Quantitative Easing.

David Cameron's Statement On Three Days Of Rioting in Britain

Let's be clear, this disgusting, sickening, inexcusable criminality must end. I would like to pay tribute to the police and emergency services who have performed bravely in the face of unprecedented violent disorder. We will be bringing in more police from surrounding forces to supplement the police presence tonight. All police leave is cancelled.

There is no excuse for what has occurred over the last three nights: businesses looted and burnt to the ground; high streets smashed; homeowners terrorised: it must stop now. A small minority of criminals are turning London into a no-go zone which is totally unacceptable.

Those found to have been involved in this wanton lawlessness will be tracked down and feel the full force of the law.

Parliament Meets The Murdochs

Chairman: Let’s begin

James Murdoch: Can we write tomorrow’s papers now?

Dreary Chairman: No, I’d like to press on, that will have to wait until the end.

James Murdoch: In that case at least allow us to provide the headline, Dad -

Rupert: Today is the most humble day of my life.

Tom Watson: Mr Murdoch, do you do bad stuff?

James: Can I answer that question?

TW: I’d like to hear your father’s answer.

Rupert: ................................... ......................................nope [Thumps Desk] ....

Tom Watson: Do you know anything about phone hacking at the News Of The World?

James: I might be able to provide a more detailed answer to that question.

Tom Watson: I’d like to hear Mr Murdoch’s answer.

Rupert: [Head Bowed] ....................................the News Of The World [thump]......................I don’t know anything about that [thump, thump, thump].........

James: I can provide all the detail if you would allow me...

Tom Watson: It is very revealing what your Father does and doesn’t know about his business.

James: The News Of The World is only 1% of our business. It is not an important part of our daily operations.

Tom Watson: Did you know that the News Of The World paid out huge sums to Gordon Taylor and Max Clifford in out-of-court settlements for phone hacking?

James Murdoch: We wouldn’t know anything about that. It’s nothing to do with us.

Tom Watson: Did you know that in a prior session this committee accused your executives of collective amnesia over phone hacking?

Rupert Murdoch: .............................I did not know that [smiles]..

Tom Watson: [smiling] Why are you smiling Mr Murdoch?

Rupert Murdoch: ....................When you say amnesia........you really mean lying.......

Bright Blazer Man: Hello Mr and Mr Murdoch. Who runs the News Of The World and who signs off large payments?

Rupert: .........................Les Hinton...............................he was in charge...

Scared Tory: Do you feel let down by those below you and who do you blame?

Rupert Murdoch: ...........I feel let down by them.........and by those below them who let them down...

Tough Scot: Do you regularly meet the Prime Minister?

Rupert: ... I have met him.... occasionally........Not as much as previous Prime Ministers....

Tough Scot: It is recorded that you met the PM at Downing Street, the day after the election, and that you entered by the back door. What was the purpose of this visit?

Rupert: ........I just dropped in........for tea............That was all..

Tough Scot: But you entered by the back door?

Rupert: ......yes.................that was their choice.....................I don’t know why...

Tough Scot: By the back door?

Rupert: ...Yes.

Tough Scot: So you entered by the back door.

Rupert: .....Yes...

Tough Scot: The back door.

Scared Tory: Do you regularly meet Prime Ministers?

Rupert: Yes, I was great mates with Gordon Brown. We went on holiday together, played backgammon, went down the pub, played darts, went shooting, ate foie gras, discussed economics. He was a great guy. I bought a bouncy castle for his kids, made fairy cakes with his wife........but we fell out.......I miss those times.....

Thérèse Coffey:  Why did you close the News Of The World?

Rupert: ............We lost the trust of the readers.....

James Murdoch: The quantum of business was no longer optimal.

Rupert: My Dad exposed the farce of Gallipoli............ so no-one in the British establishment liked me........I’m a rebel............ an outsider............I won people’s hearts with tits, sex scandals and football.....................did I mention that the Sun has extended football coverage every Monday?

James: Everything I did I did because my lawyers and advisors told me to. I can provide written answers to all your questions.

Dreary Chairman: Now a final question from Louise Mensch.

Wendi Murdoch: Oh No!

A foam pie is pushed into Rupert’s face.

Dreary Chairman: We will adjourn for ten minutes.

                                                                                                       

Chairman: We’re very sorry for that assault.

Rupert: It’s OK.

Tom Watson: Mrs Murdoch has a mean left hook.

Louise Mensch: Mr Murdoch do you think you should resign over this affair?

Rupert: .........................Nope................

Chairman: Thank you very much for attending and, once again, sorry for the assault.

David Cameron's Statement to the House 20th July 2011

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron):

There are many ways to clean up a mess: some people would simply remove it in its entirety, I favour smearing it around until it has virtually disappeared, sweeping a little bit under everybody's door and hoping for the best.

I will now smear everyone with a little bit of muck. Firstly I will deposit a large quantity on the police. They are rubbish but brave, dishonest but wholesome. I propose that the police no longer promote from within and that I be allowed to ferry in anyone I like to the top policing jobs. That's the police comprehensively smeared and put down, let's be clear.

On the subject of the emails between Assistant Commissioner John Yates and my Chief Of Staff Ed Llewellyn: my staff have investigated themselves and found themselves to be entirely in the right. That's my staff wiped clean around the mouth with a hankie.

As for the BSkyB bid I wasn't involved and my staff have told me I did everything right. The Cabinet Secretary says everything was, and is, fine. He has inspected my backside and my coat-tails and found them to be entirely clean and unruffled.

I've never met Neil Wallis and neither have any of my friends. All of my friends are shiny and bright, almost sparklingly bright and shiny. They are clean.

As for Andy Coulson - he should go to prison!

Now let's not have any of that cheap political point-scoring like I used to do!


Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab):

You are tragic and incompetent.