Questions and Answers with Education Secretary Michael Gove

Simon Lime: You've cancelled Labour's school-building programme, claiming it was grossly inefficient and costly. What are you proposing instead?

Michael Gove: I'm glad you've asked me this question Simon. Yes, the shockingly wasteful Labour government spent millions of pounds on pointlessly ambitious school buildings with top class facilities and inspiring architecture. I have a raft of proposals that will radically reform the schools system and provide more new schools for a fraction of the cost.

Simon: What are your proposals?

Michael: We propose special education zones where building regulations can be relaxed to allow companies and collectives to develop ultra-cheap school buildings for the poor. Since the sad decline in factory farming many chicken sheds and such-like have fallen out of use. These disused environments could be converted into Free Schools for disadvantaged children. They may lack windows and central heating but think of the savings in bills and maintenance. THE POOR MUST BE EDUCATED!

The 'chicken shed' approach would allow for much larger classes, thus cutting the number of teachers required. Also, by doing away with chairs and tables the space can double as a sports hall.

Simon: What are the changes you want to see in the school curriculum?

Michael:  I want to see a return to traditional values in education. The Romans, the Victorians, go-getters, the Royals, long division, spelling tests, Latin, reeling off world capital cities, solving equations by hand, learning facts by heart, that kind of thing.

Simon: So no history of the atom bomb, either of the Great Wars or industrialisation? No mention of socialism, communism or revolution, and no analysis of slavery, colonialisation and unionisation.

Michael: No, none of that, strictly non-twentieth century stuff, it's not proper history because it's just too recent and not relevant. We want tales of grandeur, splendour, battles won, battles lost. Nothing too nuanced.

Simon: You wouldn't like to acknowledge the birth of the internet and home computing?

Michael: No you see that is partly where we've gone wrong. All this technology has taken away our ability to remember facts. Text speak and mobile phones have corrupted our language, we should be independent of computers and technology, not dependent.

Simon:  So you don't acknowledge technology of the last 60 years?

Michael:  I use it, but you know, what's wrong with a pen and paper?

Simon: Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Education, thank you.