David Cameron talks to Denzil Haberdasher-Aske in a wide-ranging interview on defence and foreign policy at a plumbing supply warehouse in Swansea.

Denzil Haberdasher-Aske: Good morning Prime Minister

David Cameron: Good morning. It’s good to be here in Swansea; the bathroom accessories are truly imaginatively designed and reasonably priced as are the vehicles supplied by one of the Conservative party’s main sponsors Jaguar Land Rover.

Denzil: You’ve recently helped launch an initiative to end the use of child soldiers in conflicts around the world; please expand on the aims and goals of this difficult to oppose but almost impossible to implement humanitarian programme.

DC: Thanks Denzil that’s exactly the question my press secretary told you, I mean me, that you were going to ask. We aim to end the use of child soldiers in all wars by being photographed with celebrities in carefully controlled central London locations. This will almost certainly gain exposure in mid-market newspapers who will comment on the clothes the celebrities are wearing thereby persuading central African and Asian warlords that the use of child soldiers is economically and socially unsustainable with the by-product that both the celebrities and the politicians will seem a little bit more powerful and caring which is crucial to win over voters and movie audiences.

Denzil: Thank you Prime Minister. May I say your face is glowing splendidly, now onto defence? You’ve just announced new funding for 12 to 18 year-olds to take part in military-themed activities as part of a promotion for pseudo-military youth organisations please explain how this re-announced funding will benefit kids of all ages.

DC: The military is the backbone of this country. It provides the great British values and ideals that we live by and is a shining beacon of morality around the globe. We believe every British child should have the opportunity to experience the discipline of military training, see and feel gunfire, enjoy the passion of war, bullets, cordite, rampaging tanks and ultimately the chance to imagine horrific injuries to their friends and other, less economically-endowed children. We believe in flags and free enterprise. We believe in JCB, hedge funds and low corporate tax rates. We believe the poor should remain poor because they are mostly unable to access the elite education network that our father’s money has bought us.

Denzil: So to clarify, you oppose child soldiers in armies whose strategic aims you oppose but you encourage children to engage in warlike activities to uphold the moral values of the UK as a whole.

DC: Yes, that’s correct war is bad except when we start it, in which case it has a clear moral and spiritual imperative. Church leaders, school teachers, news reporters, chat-show hosts they all have a role to play in promoting the moral purpose of British wars. British wars, as opposed to ‘foreign’ wars, are wonderful humanist adventures that spread our values of free trade; colonialism; low wage labour and resource theft throughout the developing world. Of course some will argue that this is not the way a civilised country should behave but I would argue that they are terrorists denying our children and our children’s children the chance to experience the bountiful spoils that just wars can bring to those rich enough to avoid the huge tax bills that such endeavours inevitably incur.

Denzil: Does it not worry you; Prime Minister that such warmongering destroys millions of lives, breaks up families and simply produces more angry people who wish to destroy imperialist elites?

DC: War brings death but it also brings enormous financial opportunities for private sector companies to rebuild some of that which has been destroyed via overly generous and laxly supervised government-funded rebuilding contracts. It is also a tremendous advert for up-and-coming oligopolistic states to show off the types of high-tech, death-dealing weaponry that we can supply them if they are willing to hand over much of their resource wealth. We win the war then we win the peace then we trigger the next war with poorly reconstructed countries with endemic and exaggerated divisions between ethnic and religious groups. It is constant self-seeding capitalist warfare that becomes more brutal and effective with each of its iterations.

Denzil: That sounded almost intelligent Prime Minister, thank you for your time.

DC: Thanks Dennis, great to meet you, I must leave now as I am leading a trade delegation to the Paris arms fair to try and sell over-complicated fighter jets to India. Ciao.

Denzil: I think we can all agree that you are the most Prime Ministerial Prime Minister of this parliament thank you and bless your shiny face sir.