Leveson Revisited: The astonishingly poor memory of David Cameron MP

The following quotes are extracted from British Prime Minister David Cameron's evidence to the Leveson Inquiry into the culture , ethics and practices of the press under questioning from Robert Jay QC and Lord Justice Leveson.

Thursday 14th June 2012 10am

p.2 line 10 it's hard to remember
p.21 line 20 I can't remember what I said at the time.
p.42 line 1 I'm never going to remember
p.58 line 9 I don't remember because it was a long time ago
p.58 line 23 I don't remember, I'm afraid. I can't even remember where the dinner was.
p.58 line 25 The trouble with that one is I can't remember where it was, let alone what we talked about.
p.59 line 8 I don't know, no.
p.60 line 8 I don't recall that, I'm afraid.
p.60 line 15 I don't recall what was discussed directly at the lunch.
p.60 line 21 I don't recall the specifics,
p.62 line 4 I don't recall

p.62 line 7 I don't remember the specifics of that conversation
p.64 line 6 I don't recall that, and I think it unlikely.
p.64 line 21 it's difficult to recall all of these events

p.65 line 8 I don't remember
p.66 line 9 I don't particularly recall what was discussed then

p.66 line 19 I don't particularly remember the dinner
p.67 line 1 As I say, I recall the drink, I don't recall the dinner.
p.84 line 20 I don't recall the exact provenance of this whole issue.

p.85 line 2 I can't remember the exact provenance

p.85 line 11 I don't recall.
p.85 line 12 I don't recall the exact conversations.
p.86 line 17 I don't remember
p.99 line 12 I can't remember the exact dates
p.100 line 25 I don't recall, but if George says that, I have no reason to doubt it.
p.101 line 20 I can't recall
p.101 line 23 Q. Can you remember how many conversations? A. No.
p.102 line 21 I can't recall exactly
p.103 line 4 I'm afraid I don't -- I don't recall.
p.107 line 6 I can't remember.
p.119 line 23 I don't recall.
p.119 line 25 I don't recall.
p.120 line 2 I don't remember the instance.

2pm
p.1 line 19 I couldn't recall that when you asked me the question
p.2 line 7 I do not remember it
p.2 line 18 I don't remember. I don't remember the conversation in any great detail.
p.2 line 23 I don't recall that.
p.3 line 6 I can't remember exactly who and when
p.3 line 9 I don't recall many specifics
p.3 line 15 That's not something I recall
p.4 line 2 I don't recall any conversations with Rupert Murdoch about it
p.6 line 10 I don't recall exactly the conversations that took place.
p.6 line 23 I can't remember the exact sequence of events
p.10 line 1 I don't really remember the specifics.
p.10 line 8 I don't recall the specifics
p.13 line 25 I don't recall
p.14 line 8 I don't recall any discussions about it
p.14 line 15 Well, I don't recall discussing it with him
p.14 line 17 I don't recall specific conversations
p.16 line 17 I don't particularly remember this note, and crucially, I didn't recall its existence on the day of 21 December
p.24 line 8 I can't remember every conversation I've ever had
p.24 line 17 I can't remember
p.24 line 20 I can't remember every conversation I've ever had with everybody, nobody can, but I am clear about this conversation I had with James Murdoch on 23 December.
p.25 line 21 I can't remember if it was me or someone else
p.30 line 23 someone -- I can't remember who -- said we must check the public statements of Jeremy Hunt

Transcripts available at

http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20140122145147/http://www.levesoninquiry.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Transcript-of-Morning-Hearing-14-June-2012.txt

http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20140122145147/http://www.levesoninquiry.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Transcript-of-Afternoon-Hearing-14-June-2012.txt

Ed Miliband sets out his political philosophy in an interview with the Government Organisation for Broadcasting at Loughborough University

Nick Anti-Socialist (GOB Chief Political Correspondent): I’m talking today with the leader of Her Majesty’s Most Loyal Opposition, the Right Honourable Ed Miliband MP. Welcome Mr. Miliband.

Ed Miliband: Thanks Nick it’s great to be here in lovely Loughborough on this sunny morning.

Nick: You want to expand welfare spending, disadvantaging hard-working families and ruining their lives why is that?

Ed: Listen Nick I’m all about expanding-cutting welfare spending: that will be my focus if I become Prime Minister in the next parliament. I want to reward hard-working families up and down the country by lowering-raising their taxes and cutting-expanding public services. This is my plan and I intend to deliver it, if elected, as part of my ‘One Nation Building Hard-working Britain First’ campaign.

Nick: So you want to simultaneously cut and expand welfare spending, lower and raise taxes and reduce and enlarge the provision of services like healthcare and education. This approach sounds very similar to that espoused by the Conservative party why should anyone believe you’d do it better, you’re not the most convincing potential Prime Minister are you?

Ed M: My answer to that question is no and yes. I believe that new-old Labour provides all of the answers to the problems of 21^st century Britain but we might not be able to deliver them due to the short-term political need to please a small number of oligopolistic press barons who don’t like paying taxes. My Britain will be one where everyone gets rich and no-one is poor. It will be a Pareto optimal Britain wherein everyone has just the right amount of stuff to fulfil their marginal utility requirements.

Nick: Ummm....yeah. So will I have to pay more tax? Let’s be honest you’re going to raise my taxes aren’t you and more importantly you’re going to raise my editor’s taxes as well?

Ed: Listen Nick, I love-hate the rich and welcome-despise all forms of legal tax avoidance. We will-won’t raise taxes for the rich-poor but this will be offset-accompanied by corresponding tax breaks-rises leading to a net gain-loss for all concerned. Did you know I really like animals?

Nick: So you’re intending to raise taxes on people who are just rich enough to notice if their tax bill goes up and just politically engaged enough to notice the colour of the ties of the people doing it: do you intend to change the colour of your tie?

Ed: I tend to wear a yellow-blue-red tie/no-tie, it’s not important what is important is this growing class of people I call the poor-rich. They are rich but they don’t feel like they’re rich enough, they want their children to attend a Russell group university, live in two or three homes in leafy villages with easy access to motorways, airports and high-speed rail networks but away from noise or pollution. They want high quality local public services but don’t want to see poor people when they use them. They want easy access to a choice of golf courses, five or six foreign holidays a year and a local Waitrose that delivers on Saturday morning at no extra charge. These are the people of Ed Miliband’s Britain: occasionally-working families who tend to ignore the problems of others and work from home at least twice a week. Have I mentioned that I think cancer is terrible and I like watching US political dramas on Netflix?

Nick: Do you hate immigrants Mr. Miliband?

Ed: I do hate immigrants but not as much as some other people who are frankly a bit racist. I think it's OK to be a bit racist as long as you don't say anything too racist in public. I’m the son of immigrants but they were the old-style good immigrants who fled fascism and attempted to fundamentally change the social outlook of Britain, not like these new ones who flee violence and economic hardship in their homelands.

Nick: Your Dad was a mad, raving socialist wasn’t he?

Ed: My Dad love-hated Britain and I embrace-despise everything he stood for.

Nick: You’re not as good-looking as your brother are you? He’d be a much better, nicer Prime Minister than you, wouldn’t he? He wouldn't have tried to raise my taxes. How did you feel when you metaphorically stabbed him in the front at the leadership election?

Ed: I have the utmost dis-respect for my brother. When we were kids he used to steal my political encyclopaedias and cut out the sections on Marxist economic theory and eat them: I’ve always wondered how my view of political history might have been changed if he hadn’t done that.

Nick: Mr. Miliband, I think you are a most unlikely candidate for Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and I think all of the viewers will value my sincerely held government-oriented point of view. I’ve been Nick Anti-Socialist for GOB TV; now back to Martha in the GOB News Centre for a story about the Queen’s dogs.

David Cameron talks to Denzil Haberdasher-Aske in a wide-ranging interview on defence and foreign policy at a plumbing supply warehouse in Swansea.

Denzil Haberdasher-Aske: Good morning Prime Minister

David Cameron: Good morning. It’s good to be here in Swansea; the bathroom accessories are truly imaginatively designed and reasonably priced as are the vehicles supplied by one of the Conservative party’s main sponsors Jaguar Land Rover.

Denzil: You’ve recently helped launch an initiative to end the use of child soldiers in conflicts around the world; please expand on the aims and goals of this difficult to oppose but almost impossible to implement humanitarian programme.

DC: Thanks Denzil that’s exactly the question my press secretary told you, I mean me, that you were going to ask. We aim to end the use of child soldiers in all wars by being photographed with celebrities in carefully controlled central London locations. This will almost certainly gain exposure in mid-market newspapers who will comment on the clothes the celebrities are wearing thereby persuading central African and Asian warlords that the use of child soldiers is economically and socially unsustainable with the by-product that both the celebrities and the politicians will seem a little bit more powerful and caring which is crucial to win over voters and movie audiences.

Denzil: Thank you Prime Minister. May I say your face is glowing splendidly, now onto defence? You’ve just announced new funding for 12 to 18 year-olds to take part in military-themed activities as part of a promotion for pseudo-military youth organisations please explain how this re-announced funding will benefit kids of all ages.

DC: The military is the backbone of this country. It provides the great British values and ideals that we live by and is a shining beacon of morality around the globe. We believe every British child should have the opportunity to experience the discipline of military training, see and feel gunfire, enjoy the passion of war, bullets, cordite, rampaging tanks and ultimately the chance to imagine horrific injuries to their friends and other, less economically-endowed children. We believe in flags and free enterprise. We believe in JCB, hedge funds and low corporate tax rates. We believe the poor should remain poor because they are mostly unable to access the elite education network that our father’s money has bought us.

Denzil: So to clarify, you oppose child soldiers in armies whose strategic aims you oppose but you encourage children to engage in warlike activities to uphold the moral values of the UK as a whole.

DC: Yes, that’s correct war is bad except when we start it, in which case it has a clear moral and spiritual imperative. Church leaders, school teachers, news reporters, chat-show hosts they all have a role to play in promoting the moral purpose of British wars. British wars, as opposed to ‘foreign’ wars, are wonderful humanist adventures that spread our values of free trade; colonialism; low wage labour and resource theft throughout the developing world. Of course some will argue that this is not the way a civilised country should behave but I would argue that they are terrorists denying our children and our children’s children the chance to experience the bountiful spoils that just wars can bring to those rich enough to avoid the huge tax bills that such endeavours inevitably incur.

Denzil: Does it not worry you; Prime Minister that such warmongering destroys millions of lives, breaks up families and simply produces more angry people who wish to destroy imperialist elites?

DC: War brings death but it also brings enormous financial opportunities for private sector companies to rebuild some of that which has been destroyed via overly generous and laxly supervised government-funded rebuilding contracts. It is also a tremendous advert for up-and-coming oligopolistic states to show off the types of high-tech, death-dealing weaponry that we can supply them if they are willing to hand over much of their resource wealth. We win the war then we win the peace then we trigger the next war with poorly reconstructed countries with endemic and exaggerated divisions between ethnic and religious groups. It is constant self-seeding capitalist warfare that becomes more brutal and effective with each of its iterations.

Denzil: That sounded almost intelligent Prime Minister, thank you for your time.

DC: Thanks Dennis, great to meet you, I must leave now as I am leading a trade delegation to the Paris arms fair to try and sell over-complicated fighter jets to India. Ciao.

Denzil: I think we can all agree that you are the most Prime Ministerial Prime Minister of this parliament thank you and bless your shiny face sir.

Conservative Party Conference 2013 Guidelines for Ministers

Tributes (for people you regard as incompetent or irrelevant)

Your colleagues (brilliant)

Margaret Thatcher (a wonderful woman)

George Osborne (genius/saviour/sage/swami/guru)

David Cameron (great/strong leader)

Attacks (for people who mildly disagree with your policies)

Labour (waste money)

Ed Miliband (socialist/Marxist/communist)

Ed Balls (Stalin)

Liberal Democrats (turncoats)

Trade Unions (evil militants)

Unemployed (scum/scroungers)

Immigrants (thieves/terrorists)

Bureaucrats (hopeless fools who enforce our rules)

European Bureaucrats (lunatics)

Catchphrases (aimed at indecisive voters)

Do the right thing

Hard-working families

Sense of entitlement

Something-for-nothing culture

Aspiration

Topics you must not mention (damaging comparisons)

UKIP

Nigel Farage

John Major

Norman Lamont

Anders Behring Breivik

Topics to avoid if possible (potential for embarrassment)

Boris Johnson

Foreign policy

David Cameron’s Speech to the Conservative Party Conference, Birmingham 2012*

*Check against delivery!

Thank you.

The last two years have not been easy but we have not shirked our responsibility or the difficult decisions that have had to be made in dealing with the terrible debt left by the last Labour Government.

We inherited a mess far worse than we originally thought. Our ability to grow has been hit by the crisis in the Eurozone where countries that lacked the political will to deal with their debts have fallen prey to the markets. Unsustainable interest rates have sunk countries like Greece, Portugal, Ireland, Italy and even Spain. While British yields were tracking those of Spain and Italy when we came to power our clear plan to cut the debt has kept Britain safe from the European debt storm. Thanks to George Osborne we now have amongst the lowest interest rates in the G20. This is not just good for the Government but ensures low mortgage interest rates for families and homeowners the length and breadth of the country. Without our tough action we would need a bailout: instead we are arguing about how much we should contribute to the funds available to the IMF! Our country is strengthened by the tough action taken by this Government.

Contrast this sensible approach with the loony ideas of Ed Balls and Ed Miliband. Ed Balls argues that the way out of a debt storm is to borrow more, ramp up spending and add even more debt! He doesn’t want to reduce the debt but increase it! They say 2 Eds are better than one but in this case we’d be better off with none! They want to take us back to the mad, bad days of the 1970s when Labour kept borrowing until the money ran out and Britain, yes Britain, had to accept a bailout from the IMF. It didn’t work then and it won’t work now. Under a Conservative Government, Britain will always stand on its own two feet. We are a haven in the storm, free from the whims of the markets and government by bureaucrats.

Many countries in Europe no longer control their own financial destiny. The will of their people is ignored as they are governed by Eurocrats. Conservatives will never allow our country’s fate to be determined by bureaucrats in Brussels. Conservatives have always firmly opposed the Euro and Britain will never enter the Euro while I am Prime Minister.

Thanks to the work of Iain Duncan Smith we will soon have a benefits system which makes work pay. No more languishing on benefits without the will to get up and get back into society. Those who play the system will have to shape up and get back to work or face the consequences. We will not accept the situation under Labour where the less you did the more you were paid. For too long this country has done a disservice to those on benefits, allowing their talents to waste away while those in work strived to pay for not only their own family but the shirkers next door. This government will not shirk the tough decisions. We are in government to make a difference.

I don’t get out of bed each day and think, ”What will the papers say if I do this or don’t do that?” I have a vision for this country where those who are willing to work hard and make a difference are rewarded while those who play the system face hard consequences.

All Labour can offer is a return to the bad old ways of the 1970s when things got worse not better: out of control Trade Unions; out of control borrowing; out of control spending. We sorted it out before and we are doing the same now. It hasn’t been easy, it wasn’t easy in the 1980s but after the pain came an extraordinary explosion of growth for every level of society: growth in wealth, incomes and well-being.

I benefited from this but so did many others: council tenants were able to own their own homes, a policy we have revived thanks to Grant Shapps, our new Chairman; a policy sadly forgotten under Labour. We have announced plans to build more homes without adding to the debt, boosting the construction sector and getting Britain back to work. This government has freed up planning regulations, creating a planning system that helps rather than hinders and is truly fit for the 21^st Century. Our changes to the planning system will boost growth without ruining the countryside. We are the controllers of our own destiny and the only limit is our own political will to change.

 I have travelled the world sealing crucial deals for British business which will create jobs back here in Britain. These were in no way connected to my mates.

There have been cuts to our Armed Services: a decision I personally regret but due to the billions of wasted Labour pounds that left a black hole in the defence budget. Under this Government we are sorting the mess out, securing Britain’s future. There was no money left but a Conservative Government will never hurt our country’s ability to defend itself. The army will be leaner, meaner but still one of the best equipped, most capable and admired armies in the world. Discussions are underway to renew Trident, keeping our country safe well into the 21^st Century and ensuring we remain a big player on the world stage.

Our brave troops will be withdrawing from Afghanistan leaving a safer, fairer country where girls can go to school alongside their brothers. There are still problems but through training the Afghan army I believe we will never again see the country as an international haven for the world’s worst terrorists. Thanks to the work of Theresa May the same is true of our own country. Under Labour the preaching of hate was deemed acceptable. Never again will Abu Hamza and his cronies be able to take over the streets of London and preach intolerance. We stand firm against hate, terrorism and those who seek to attack our way of life. Those are Conservative values.

With an ageing population we have had to take tough decisions on the NHS and pensions. These changes will ensure we can continue to pay our way in the world and not leave a legacy of debt for our children. The pensions system will be fairer as a result and pensioners can be safe in the knowledge that there will always be a safety net to look after those who have done the right thing and worked hard to save for their retirement. The NHS will offer the world’s best healthcare, combining the best of public and private practices. A health service truly fit for the 21^st Century, controlled by those who know best: GPs, free from the unnecessary, centralised bureaucracy of Labour.

In education Michael Gove has established a raft of new Free Schools, at a fraction of the cost of those new schools built under Labour, putting parents at the heart of their child’s education. Existing high-performing schools have been set free from bureaucracy by our extended Academies programme, allowing talented teachers to teach children as they see fit, not by ticking boxes. Renewed rigour in the exam system will allow the best to rise to the top and ensure fairness for all.

We have begun to fix the broken system we inherited from Labour. It has not been easy but I’m sure in the years to come you will see Britain growing again and delivering sustained prosperity for all, not just those at the very top.

A Christmas Interview with Prime Minister David Cameron

Gareth Wilbertstein: So Prime Minister, another year has passed and the Eurozone sovereign debt crisis continues to roll on: what have you done to contain its effects on the globe and Britain in particular?

David Cameron: I didn't show up at most of the meetings because they don't concern me but when I did I vetoed attempts to bring in tighter fiscal rules for Eurozone countries! My pointless blustering bolstered my standing with the rebellious Eurosceptics in my own party and gave me a brief boost in the polls!

GW: What about Nick Clegg?

DC: Who?

GW: The Liberal Democrats?

DC: Oh....ummm....I think it is in the best interests of the country that they are sidelined by my rhetoric. I don't think they're too happy, but I'm not bothered: they're nowhere in the polls.

GW: How has your posturing helped the UK economy?

DC: It didn't but the continuing crisis gives us a convincing reason why the economy isn't performing. We don't believe in the Euro: we'd be happy if it collapsed but we can't be seen to be happy about it collapsing. Every time I get a chance I just surreptitiously nudge it closer to the edge.

GW: Bailouts for Greece?

DC: No.....we might sneak some money across via the IMF but I don't really believe in helping people out. It's their problem so they can sort it out for themselves.

GW: Higher borrowing forecast, lower growth, higher unemployment, higher inflation, higher taxes: things are going well for George Osborne?

DC: Tough times for some but it's all Labour's fault for following a pattern of financial deregulation that we wholeheartedly approved of at the time. What's great is that we're still arguing for further deregulation of things like employment law, even though that's what caused the crisis! It's all extra profit for our corporate backers: Veuve Clicquot all round!

GW: And finally, the Health Service?

DC: Yes, the NHS, in many ways this is our pet project. We want to show that a state-run monopoly can easily be turned into a corporate monopoly in 3-5 years. The great thing is that corporations generate profits; profits go to share-holders and Chief Executives who then pass the money on to political parties via donations. When I leave office I'm going to have so many companies begging to reward me for feeding their bottom line!

GW: Merry Christmas Prime Minister!

DC: Glad tidings to one and all!

David Cameron’s Speech to the Conservative Party Conference, Manchester 2011

My name is David Cameron. I am a Conservative Party politician and Prime Minister of Great Britain. I’m so proud!

My party never walks on by on the other side, apart from when we’re in a roped off VIP area drinking champagne! We helped out in Libya because there is loads of oil there, we need oil! To the people of Bahrain, Syria, Yemen, Zimbabwe, Plaistow, Rotherham and Hackney I say, “Find some more oil and we’ll help you out too!”

The army and police are great. They wear uniforms.

I wish everybody wasn’t so pessimistic all the time. Hey, I know the Conservatives are in power, I know we told you everything was awful to justify the cuts but look on the bright side, it can’t get any worse, can it?

Well, actually it can get worse, a whole lot worse. The British economy isn’t growing. Greece can’t afford to pay its debts and default could affect a number of major European banks. The western economies are all balancing on the edge of a precipice. This recession isn’t a normal recession, it’s a depression. Excessive government austerity has stalled growth. This is partly our fault. We’ve stood by and watched the Eurozone crisis, unhelpfully shouting, “Sort it out!” every five minutes. Maybe we should be more involved but really we want it all to fail and prove our policies right.

Building an economy is like building a house. We inherited a house that needed significant repairs but George Osborne cut away the foundations and now it is leaning to the right.

Let me say this: I am a halibut. While I am Prime Minister I shall remain a halibut and wish to be referred to as such always.

Of course this is all Labour’s fault, they continued deregulating the financial system to sideline the Conservatives and it all went horribly wrong. Well now we’re back and can continue the deregulation they continued without upsetting any bankers. Those with the most money have nothing to fear when the Conservatives are in office. Why would we do anything to hurt our biggest backers and indeed, ourselves?

To the Unions I say, you were offered jobs with pensions that we have no intention of honouring, so it is only fair that we renege on the deal and blame you for the economic woes of the country. Ha!

I love the NHS, I’m going to use it as a front organisation to channel money to private healthcare firms in the US. These firms will pump some of that money back into the Conservative party via their UK subsidiaries. We can all agree that that is rather clever! It looks like I’m not privatising healthcare when really I am and I’m earning from it!

No more of this can't-do sogginess. Anyone can set-up a pyramid scheme or a hot-house telephone scam offering fictitious government grants for a small initial fee or a bogus charity pretending to collect second-hand clothes for the poor when really they're selling them as new in Tanzania.  This is the Britain I want to see more of: supermarkets selling out of date yoghurts and gone off chickens; lax safety regimes that lead to workers being seriously injured. Put your safety at risk, take off those hard hats remove the safety rails and sell them for scrap. These are the engines of growth in our economy.

We want High Speed Rail, Superfast Broadband and more apprenticeships. We also want to allow house-builders to build on any land they want. Particularly the land in the green belt that has been bought up by land banking schemes and will suddenly increase markedly in value if planning laws are miraculously relaxed. They’ll be thanking us with donations for months. If you don’t like it, get stuffed!

When Labour say they want to fight inequality, what they really mean is they want to oppress the unfairly advantaged. We must fight equality wherever we see it!

Something really massive is happening in this country. The state is funding new religious schools, schools founded by hedge-fund millionaires and failing private schools without requiring  any input into their curriculum or how the money is spent. Councils are having their education funding taken away to give to Academies, leaving the remaining local schools with reduced budgets. We are leading the long road back to rigour, back to pencil and paper, back to textbooks, blackboards and corporal punishment, back to the 1950s and hopefully back to the early 1900s. Mental arithmetic and proper punctuation are what the modern world requires, not computers, the internet and a good understanding of broadcast media: it’s too confusing for their little heads. My child said to me the other day, “Daddy, what’s the cane?”, these kids have no idea. At their age I was smoking cannabis and dreaming of the Bullingdon Club. These are the skills that will produce the under-employed engineers and scientists that currently block up low paid jobs in our economy.

I haven’t finished my speech properly because it didn’t quite work out but here are some disjointed statements to finish up.

Leadership works.

I want to tear down private schools and replace them with state comprehensives, I think?

Youth unemployment, soaring inflation, VAT hikes: the Conservatives are back in government! 

I want to scrap the Human Rights Act. Human rights are not guaranteed for all, I’ll decide who deserves human rights and no-one else. (Beat that Gaddafi!)

I’m going to spend up to £14,000 on everyone who’s been unemployed for five years. Apply now; when it’s gone it’s gone! *Terms and conditions apply, your soul may be repossessed if you claim benefits again or fail to leave the country when asked, Irish Travellers need not apply.

In the 1980s Margaret Thatcher facilitated the sell-off of council houses. A whole generation of council tenants benefited from discounted house prices and subsequently scaled the property ladder. Luckily there isn’t much social housing around anymore but we thought we’d try and sell what’s left, just to be sure.

I don’t believe in true justice, just fast justice. A fair trial is a quick trial, so let’s speed things up and use the savings for tax cuts!

I love kids. I want more childcare, more health visitors and relationship support but I’m a millionaire, so I can pay for it. If you want this stuff marry a fat, old, rich man.

Marriage doesn’t lead to arguments, years of bitterness and extensive emotional distress. It is a sacred institution that I want to reward with money.

Isn’t it great when people do things for free that they are usually paid for. Like when someone gives you a shoeshine and at the end you just say, “Thanks!” and leave without paying  or a waiter brings you your dinner then you say, “Goodnight” and leave without tipping. It’s these little moments that make me feel warm inside, knowing I’ve a saved just a tiny fraction of my fortune for another day.

The only way to make a bigger society is to scrap Health and Safety legislation. Young people need to do National Citizen’s Service. Britannia used to rule the waves until I scrapped the aircraft carriers. I hate armbands. I am a God.

Thank you! 

No parts of this speech were hastily re-written following an overtly negative reaction from the press corp.