Parliament Meets The Murdochs

Chairman: Let’s begin

James Murdoch: Can we write tomorrow’s papers now?

Dreary Chairman: No, I’d like to press on, that will have to wait until the end.

James Murdoch: In that case at least allow us to provide the headline, Dad -

Rupert: Today is the most humble day of my life.

Tom Watson: Mr Murdoch, do you do bad stuff?

James: Can I answer that question?

TW: I’d like to hear your father’s answer.

Rupert: ................................... ......................................nope [Thumps Desk] ....

Tom Watson: Do you know anything about phone hacking at the News Of The World?

James: I might be able to provide a more detailed answer to that question.

Tom Watson: I’d like to hear Mr Murdoch’s answer.

Rupert: [Head Bowed] ....................................the News Of The World [thump]......................I don’t know anything about that [thump, thump, thump].........

James: I can provide all the detail if you would allow me...

Tom Watson: It is very revealing what your Father does and doesn’t know about his business.

James: The News Of The World is only 1% of our business. It is not an important part of our daily operations.

Tom Watson: Did you know that the News Of The World paid out huge sums to Gordon Taylor and Max Clifford in out-of-court settlements for phone hacking?

James Murdoch: We wouldn’t know anything about that. It’s nothing to do with us.

Tom Watson: Did you know that in a prior session this committee accused your executives of collective amnesia over phone hacking?

Rupert Murdoch: .............................I did not know that [smiles]..

Tom Watson: [smiling] Why are you smiling Mr Murdoch?

Rupert Murdoch: ....................When you say amnesia........you really mean lying.......

Bright Blazer Man: Hello Mr and Mr Murdoch. Who runs the News Of The World and who signs off large payments?

Rupert: .........................Les Hinton...............................he was in charge...

Scared Tory: Do you feel let down by those below you and who do you blame?

Rupert Murdoch: ...........I feel let down by them.........and by those below them who let them down...

Tough Scot: Do you regularly meet the Prime Minister?

Rupert: ... I have met him.... occasionally........Not as much as previous Prime Ministers....

Tough Scot: It is recorded that you met the PM at Downing Street, the day after the election, and that you entered by the back door. What was the purpose of this visit?

Rupert: ........I just dropped in........for tea............That was all..

Tough Scot: But you entered by the back door?

Rupert: ......yes.................that was their choice.....................I don’t know why...

Tough Scot: By the back door?

Rupert: ...Yes.

Tough Scot: So you entered by the back door.

Rupert: .....Yes...

Tough Scot: The back door.

Scared Tory: Do you regularly meet Prime Ministers?

Rupert: Yes, I was great mates with Gordon Brown. We went on holiday together, played backgammon, went down the pub, played darts, went shooting, ate foie gras, discussed economics. He was a great guy. I bought a bouncy castle for his kids, made fairy cakes with his wife........but we fell out.......I miss those times.....

Thérèse Coffey:  Why did you close the News Of The World?

Rupert: ............We lost the trust of the readers.....

James Murdoch: The quantum of business was no longer optimal.

Rupert: My Dad exposed the farce of Gallipoli............ so no-one in the British establishment liked me........I’m a rebel............ an outsider............I won people’s hearts with tits, sex scandals and football.....................did I mention that the Sun has extended football coverage every Monday?

James: Everything I did I did because my lawyers and advisors told me to. I can provide written answers to all your questions.

Dreary Chairman: Now a final question from Louise Mensch.

Wendi Murdoch: Oh No!

A foam pie is pushed into Rupert’s face.

Dreary Chairman: We will adjourn for ten minutes.

                                                                                                       

Chairman: We’re very sorry for that assault.

Rupert: It’s OK.

Tom Watson: Mrs Murdoch has a mean left hook.

Louise Mensch: Mr Murdoch do you think you should resign over this affair?

Rupert: .........................Nope................

Chairman: Thank you very much for attending and, once again, sorry for the assault.

David Cameron's Statement to the House 20th July 2011

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron):

There are many ways to clean up a mess: some people would simply remove it in its entirety, I favour smearing it around until it has virtually disappeared, sweeping a little bit under everybody's door and hoping for the best.

I will now smear everyone with a little bit of muck. Firstly I will deposit a large quantity on the police. They are rubbish but brave, dishonest but wholesome. I propose that the police no longer promote from within and that I be allowed to ferry in anyone I like to the top policing jobs. That's the police comprehensively smeared and put down, let's be clear.

On the subject of the emails between Assistant Commissioner John Yates and my Chief Of Staff Ed Llewellyn: my staff have investigated themselves and found themselves to be entirely in the right. That's my staff wiped clean around the mouth with a hankie.

As for the BSkyB bid I wasn't involved and my staff have told me I did everything right. The Cabinet Secretary says everything was, and is, fine. He has inspected my backside and my coat-tails and found them to be entirely clean and unruffled.

I've never met Neil Wallis and neither have any of my friends. All of my friends are shiny and bright, almost sparklingly bright and shiny. They are clean.

As for Andy Coulson - he should go to prison!

Now let's not have any of that cheap political point-scoring like I used to do!


Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab):

You are tragic and incompetent.

PMQs 13th July 2011: Cameron Gets His Ass Kicked

PRIME MINISTER

The Prime Minister was asked-

Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab): You love Murdoch, don't you?

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron): You're the Murdoch lover, my relationship is purely professional. Phone hacking is absolutely disgusting and what has happened to the families of dead soldiers, Milly Dowler and the victims of terrorist attacks is absolutely disgusting.

Ed M: Rebekah Brooks disgusts me but you seem to love her. Would you like to express your love now?

PM: She's alright but my relationship with her is not intimate. If she wants to resign she can but it has nothing to do with me.

Ed M: You seem intent on pushing through the Murdoch bid for BSkyB: this seems nuts. Why not give it up you pasty-faced no-mark.

PM: I'm totally happy with Mr Murdoch taking full control of BSkyB, he almost helped win me an election and I can't let him down in case he switches sides again. I think the gentleman should examine his own position regarding the Murdochs.

Ed M: I'm not Blair, I'm not Brown, I'm Miliband, Ed Miliband. I don't need rich supporters, I'm going to slay the Beast and then slay those that feed him! Why do you love Andy Coulson? He's a crimbo and a particularly dislikeable crimbo at that!

PM: I hate phone hackers and the Murdochs will have to account for their own actions, and what's happened is disgusting: the hacking of dead soldier's phones, murder victims and all that stuff. It's absolutely disgusting, all of it.