PMQs 13th July 2011: Cameron Gets His Ass Kicked

PRIME MINISTER

The Prime Minister was asked-

Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab): You love Murdoch, don't you?

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron): You're the Murdoch lover, my relationship is purely professional. Phone hacking is absolutely disgusting and what has happened to the families of dead soldiers, Milly Dowler and the victims of terrorist attacks is absolutely disgusting.

Ed M: Rebekah Brooks disgusts me but you seem to love her. Would you like to express your love now?

PM: She's alright but my relationship with her is not intimate. If she wants to resign she can but it has nothing to do with me.

Ed M: You seem intent on pushing through the Murdoch bid for BSkyB: this seems nuts. Why not give it up you pasty-faced no-mark.

PM: I'm totally happy with Mr Murdoch taking full control of BSkyB, he almost helped win me an election and I can't let him down in case he switches sides again. I think the gentleman should examine his own position regarding the Murdochs.

Ed M: I'm not Blair, I'm not Brown, I'm Miliband, Ed Miliband. I don't need rich supporters, I'm going to slay the Beast and then slay those that feed him! Why do you love Andy Coulson? He's a crimbo and a particularly dislikeable crimbo at that!

PM: I hate phone hackers and the Murdochs will have to account for their own actions, and what's happened is disgusting: the hacking of dead soldier's phones, murder victims and all that stuff. It's absolutely disgusting, all of it.

PMQs 17th May 2011 Does Ken Clarke like rapists?

PRIME MINISTER

The Prime Minister was asked-

Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab): Following the Justice Secretary's comments earlier today: Do you like rapists?

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron): I have not heard the comments. However, I do not like rapists. I think they are nasty, evil, stinkers.

Edward Miliband: Do you think rape is bad?

The Prime Minister: I think rape is bad, very bad, I dislike rape a lot.

Edward Miliband: I think you should sack the Justice Secretary for liking rapists.

The Prime Minister: Rape is a heinous crime which I dislike a lot. We all agree rape is bad, don't we?
 
Dr Julian Lewis (New Forest East) (Con): I love submarine-launched nuclear weapons systems: do you?

The Prime Minister: I support Trident, unlike the awful Old Labour people opposite. They reek of socialism, they are awful dinosaurs. I wouldn't spit on the opposition if they were burning in a nuclear fire.

Corius Spit (Luton South) (Lab): Trident is never going to be used, can never be used and has never been used. It's a legacy of the cold war which ended 20 years ago. It's a God-awful waste of money! I don't support Trident: why do you?

The Prime Minister: I think nuclear weapons are great, if we get killed we can still kill the other lot thus assuring our mutual destruction. In fact I only wish I could use them on our own people, I'd nuke East London, the North and Scotland.

Conservative Benches : More! More!

Barry Levinson (East Wicke) (Lab): Your new best friend, Mark Britnell, hates the NHS, why is he your adviser?

The Prime Minister: I don't know this person and have never met him. I believe he was an adviser to the last government! Ha! Ha!

　

　

　

　

An Extract from Prime Minister's Questions 30th March 2011

House of Commons

Wednesday 30th March 2011

PRIME MINISTER

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron): Congratulations on getting engaged, you d***.

Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab): You're not invited to the wedding because I've heard you used to smash up restaurants, s***stick.

You lied about tuition fees.

The Prime Minister: I don't recall that.

Edward Miliband: You said that fees of £9000 would be the exception not the rule.

The Prime Minister: My lies about tuition fees are justified by your lies about tuition fees.

Edward Miliband: You're cutting police officers when you try to claim that you aren't.

The Prime Minister: I'm not cutting police officers, you're the one who's cutting police officers!

Edward Miliband: You are cutting police officers, everyone says so!

The Prime Minister: I'm not cutting police officers, you are the ones who would be cutting police officers!

Edward Miliband: You are definitely cutting police officers, I am not.

The Prime Minister: I'm not cutting police officers. You are an arse.

Conservative Benches: More! More!

An Extract from Prime Minister's Questions 16th March 2011

House of Commons

Wednesday 16th March 2011

PRIME MINISTER

The Prime Minister was asked-

Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab): Why are you  f******-over poor people you big wazzock?

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron): You disgust me, you socialist, turncoat, backstabbing liar!

Edward Miliband: Answer the question, you slimy s***.

The Prime Minister: I have never hurt anyone but you consistently beat up homeless people when you were in power, and your dad is a f***wit.

Edward Miliband: I love the homeless and regularly feed them bread in my free evenings, of which I have many. Are you an arsewipe?

The Prime Minister: The honourable gentleman is a man of no reputation, has no friends, no talents, he deceives and lies; but worst of all he wastes rich people's money. What a socialist f***face.

Edward Miliband: When are you going to answer a question you pre-scripted, public school automaton?

The Prime Minister: I have smart clothes and friends who speak proper. I'm middle-class and so are all my mates. We use breadmakers and stuff like that so let's keep this civil, you dishonourable, communist dirtbag.

Edward Miliband: I'll take my red flag and stick it up your public school bottom. Your face looks like a giant pastry. I will eat your head for lunch then dismember your body and feed it to pigs.

The Prime Minister: No answers, no plans, no credibility. I like your brother more than you and so do all your friends. Goodbye.

David Brownnose (Buckingham South) (Con): I've heard the PM loves children and animals, but the leader of the opposition doesn't: is this true?

The Prime Minister: I do indeed like children, in a paternal way, but isn't it typical of the socialists opposite and their bitter twisted thinking, that they dislike children and animals so much.

Simon Socialconscience (East Riding) (Lab): Why is the Prime Minister closing a very important debt advice service in my constituency?

The Prime Minister: I'm very sorry to hear that it is closing but unfortunately your party leader spent all the money on pointless, wasteful mobile dinners for the elderly, so it has to close.

Celia Shufflebotham (North Norfolk) (Con): How long will these dreadful socialists keep moaning on about people earning money?

The Prime Minister: I support those who earn money but it is clear that the opposition do not. They say it all the time, "Ner, ner, ner, give me your money so I can spend it on hopeless, ballet-dancing wasters," etcetera.