Part 1
1.1 Make big cuts to public expenditure.
1.2 Try to hide the cuts by having a royal wedding and get involved in a war you should easily win against a mediocre regime, preferably one you have previously sold arms to. (This advertises your latest range of arms over the previous generation and will help compensate arms companies facing defence cut-backs.)
1.3 Run down, sell off and close all state-owned industry. (This gives the treasury a large cash windfall for pre-election tax cuts.)
1.4 Set up enterprise zones to look like you care about run-down areas.
1.5 Gerrymander constituency boundaries to ensure your opponent's support is heavily diluted.
1.6 Belittle your opponents and take strong for or against stances on every issue.
Part 2
2.1 Lower taxes
2.2 Continue to under-fund all public services and infrastructure.
2.3 Move long-term unemployed, created by the sell-off of industry, onto disability benefit to reduce the unemployment figure.
2.4 Get into bed with France and the US to cater for big cuts in defence spending.
2.5 Continue to privatise and sell off services and infrastructure owned by the state. By now they will be appallingly poorly funded so the service provided will be poor.
2.6 Try to engineer social change through taxation.
2.7 Go ahead with one large-scale infrastructure project that will grab headlines.
Remember to play to your base, the well-off in Southern England. Attract poorer voters with self-improvement rhetoric, 'You can be rich too!'.
When the economic cycle reaches recession you will eventually be voted out.
Sunday 10 April 2011
Wednesday 6 April 2011
J-Ro Meets Paltrow (Jonathan Ross Interviews Gwyneth Paltrow)
Jonathan is wearing a blue suit with yellow shirt and striped tie.
Gwyneth is wearing a black miniskirt, loose black top and 4 inch heels.
J-Ro: Phwooaww, yaw well fit you are!
Rubs Trousers
Gwyneth: Errr....thank you. I didn't know you cared.
Jonathan jumps up on his desk and starts to gyrate his pelvis.
J-Ro: I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it.
Jonathan gets down.
J-Ro: Make mine a pint of Gwyneth with a smooth, creamy head! What's it like being so fit?
Gwyneth: I'm starring opposite Robert Downey Junior in 'Iron Man'. Robert's a fantastic actor.
J-Ro: I bet he's constantly trying to look up your skirt, the sly old fox!
Gwyneth: My husband would not approve of that! Robert's a real gentleman and a great actor.
J-Ro: What's it like having such fit legs? I definitely would.
Gwyneth: Some parts of the film were improvised, which was a great challenge for serious actors like myself and Robert. Robert's a great actor. My husband is also very devoted to me and our children. He takes them out and plays with them. We're just like a regular couple. We're rarely apart, apart from when I'm filming or he's touring.
J-Ro: I've got kids, you've had kids, and yet I'd still like to take you back to my place for some good old-fashioned hanky-panky.
Gwyneth: My husband is a very caring man. I'm normal. My film is 'Iron Man' where I star opposite Robert Downey Junior. Filming was a lot of fun.
J-Ro: It's OK, my wife doesn't mind, she's a 21st century kind of woman.
Gwyneth: I'm pretty normal. It's so nice to be here in England. London is so quaint!
J-Ro: Gwyneth Paltrow, it's been great having you on the show. Hasn't she been great everyone?
They brush cheeks as Gwyneth exits to applause.
J-Ro: And now it's time for my next guest. Mr Wicky Gerwais!
Gwyneth is wearing a black miniskirt, loose black top and 4 inch heels.
J-Ro: Phwooaww, yaw well fit you are!
Rubs Trousers
Gwyneth: Errr....thank you. I didn't know you cared.
Jonathan jumps up on his desk and starts to gyrate his pelvis.
J-Ro: I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it.
Jonathan gets down.
J-Ro: Make mine a pint of Gwyneth with a smooth, creamy head! What's it like being so fit?
Gwyneth: I'm starring opposite Robert Downey Junior in 'Iron Man'. Robert's a fantastic actor.
J-Ro: I bet he's constantly trying to look up your skirt, the sly old fox!
Gwyneth: My husband would not approve of that! Robert's a real gentleman and a great actor.
J-Ro: What's it like having such fit legs? I definitely would.
Gwyneth: Some parts of the film were improvised, which was a great challenge for serious actors like myself and Robert. Robert's a great actor. My husband is also very devoted to me and our children. He takes them out and plays with them. We're just like a regular couple. We're rarely apart, apart from when I'm filming or he's touring.
J-Ro: I've got kids, you've had kids, and yet I'd still like to take you back to my place for some good old-fashioned hanky-panky.
Gwyneth: My husband is a very caring man. I'm normal. My film is 'Iron Man' where I star opposite Robert Downey Junior. Filming was a lot of fun.
J-Ro: It's OK, my wife doesn't mind, she's a 21st century kind of woman.
Gwyneth: I'm pretty normal. It's so nice to be here in England. London is so quaint!
J-Ro: Gwyneth Paltrow, it's been great having you on the show. Hasn't she been great everyone?
They brush cheeks as Gwyneth exits to applause.
J-Ro: And now it's time for my next guest. Mr Wicky Gerwais!
Questions and Answers with Education Secretary Michael Gove
Simon Lime: You've cancelled Labour's school-building programme, claiming it was grossly inefficient and costly. What are you proposing instead?
Michael Gove: I'm glad you've asked me this question Simon. Yes, the shockingly wasteful Labour government spent millions of pounds on pointlessly ambitious school buildings with top class facilities and inspiring architecture. I have a raft of proposals that will radically reform the schools system and provide more new schools for a fraction of the cost.
Simon: What are your proposals?
Michael: We propose special education zones where building regulations can be relaxed to allow companies and collectives to develop ultra-cheap school buildings for the poor. Since the sad decline in factory farming many chicken sheds and such-like have fallen out of use. These disused environments could be converted into Free Schools for disadvantaged children. They may lack windows and central heating but think of the savings in bills and maintenance. THE POOR MUST BE EDUCATED!
The 'chicken shed' approach would allow for much larger classes, thus cutting the number of teachers required. Also, by doing away with chairs and tables the space can double as a sports hall.
Simon: What are the changes you want to see in the school curriculum?
Michael: I want to see a return to traditional values in education. The Romans, the Victorians, go-getters, the Royals, long division, spelling tests, Latin, reeling off world capital cities, solving equations by hand, learning facts by heart, that kind of thing.
Simon: So no history of the atom bomb, either of the Great Wars or industrialisation? No mention of socialism, communism or revolution, and no analysis of slavery, colonialisation and unionisation.
Michael: No, none of that, strictly non-twentieth century stuff, it's not proper history because it's just too recent and not relevant. We want tales of grandeur, splendour, battles won, battles lost. Nothing too nuanced.
Simon: You wouldn't like to acknowledge the birth of the internet and home computing?
Michael: No you see that is partly where we've gone wrong. All this technology has taken away our ability to remember facts. Text speak and mobile phones have corrupted our language, we should be independent of computers and technology, not dependent.
Simon: So you don't acknowledge technology of the last 60 years?
Michael: I use it, but you know, what's wrong with a pen and paper?
Simon: Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Education, thank you.
Michael Gove: I'm glad you've asked me this question Simon. Yes, the shockingly wasteful Labour government spent millions of pounds on pointlessly ambitious school buildings with top class facilities and inspiring architecture. I have a raft of proposals that will radically reform the schools system and provide more new schools for a fraction of the cost.
Simon: What are your proposals?
Michael: We propose special education zones where building regulations can be relaxed to allow companies and collectives to develop ultra-cheap school buildings for the poor. Since the sad decline in factory farming many chicken sheds and such-like have fallen out of use. These disused environments could be converted into Free Schools for disadvantaged children. They may lack windows and central heating but think of the savings in bills and maintenance. THE POOR MUST BE EDUCATED!
The 'chicken shed' approach would allow for much larger classes, thus cutting the number of teachers required. Also, by doing away with chairs and tables the space can double as a sports hall.
Simon: What are the changes you want to see in the school curriculum?
Michael: I want to see a return to traditional values in education. The Romans, the Victorians, go-getters, the Royals, long division, spelling tests, Latin, reeling off world capital cities, solving equations by hand, learning facts by heart, that kind of thing.
Simon: So no history of the atom bomb, either of the Great Wars or industrialisation? No mention of socialism, communism or revolution, and no analysis of slavery, colonialisation and unionisation.
Michael: No, none of that, strictly non-twentieth century stuff, it's not proper history because it's just too recent and not relevant. We want tales of grandeur, splendour, battles won, battles lost. Nothing too nuanced.
Simon: You wouldn't like to acknowledge the birth of the internet and home computing?
Michael: No you see that is partly where we've gone wrong. All this technology has taken away our ability to remember facts. Text speak and mobile phones have corrupted our language, we should be independent of computers and technology, not dependent.
Simon: So you don't acknowledge technology of the last 60 years?
Michael: I use it, but you know, what's wrong with a pen and paper?
Simon: Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Education, thank you.
An Extract from Prime Minister's Questions 30th March 2011
House of Commons
Wednesday 30th March 2011
PRIME MINISTER
The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron): Congratulations on getting engaged, you d***.
Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab): You're not invited to the wedding because I've heard you used to smash up restaurants, s***stick.
You lied about tuition fees.
The Prime Minister: I don't recall that.
Edward Miliband: You said that fees of £9000 would be the exception not the rule.
The Prime Minister: My lies about tuition fees are justified by your lies about tuition fees.
Edward Miliband: You're cutting police officers when you try to claim that you aren't.
The Prime Minister: I'm not cutting police officers, you're the one who's cutting police officers!
Edward Miliband: You are cutting police officers, everyone says so!
The Prime Minister: I'm not cutting police officers, you are the ones who would be cutting police officers!
Edward Miliband: You are definitely cutting police officers, I am not.
The Prime Minister: I'm not cutting police officers. You are an arse.
Conservative Benches: More! More!
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