One year ago David Cameron, self-professed middle-class old-Etonian public schoolboy millionaire and his entrepreneur wife, Samantha, was helped into office by the similarly-educated Nick Clegg, leader of the Liberal Democrats.
Here is some of what has happened since.
1. On his way to Buckingham Palace to meet the Queen, Cameron's Jaguar was papped by kids as he got stuck in rush-hour traffic.
2. He returned to Downing Street to a mixture of boos and cheers, with one woman giving him the thumbs down as he drove in. His first speech outside No. 10 was met by cat-calls and shouting.
3. On his first visit to America he appeared to have no understanding of the history of the 2nd World War by claiming that Britain was a junior partner to the U.S. in 1940. America didn't join the war until December 1941, after Pearl Harbor.
4. On his first visit to India Cameron criticised Pakistan and accused them of exporting terror, causing a diplomatic ruck.
5. As democratic uprisings erupted in Tunisia, Egypt and Bahrain Cameron accompanied a phalanx of British businessmen to the Middle East, promoting arms exports.
6. He and Foreign Secretary William Hague OK'd a US mission to rescue British charity worker Linda Norgrove, who was being held hostage in Afghanistan. She was killed by a grenade thrown by her rescuers. The media were initially led to believe she had been wearing a 'suicide-bomb-jacket' when she died.
7. Tory HQ at Millbank was trashed by protestors against the raising of tuition fees. The first in a series of fraught demonstrations. Cameron claimed fees of £9000 per year would only apply in exceptional circumstances. It would quickly become evident that, given the scale of University cuts, £9000 fees would be the norm.
8. The right-wing press ruthlessly targeted Lib Dem ministers in an effort to bring down the coalition.
9. Michael Gove announced the end of many school-building projects, reading from a hastily compiled list of schools whose funding would be removed that had been revised three times. It was clear the policy had not been carefully thought through.
10. Michael Gove expanded Labour's Academy programme to include high achieving schools. When asked what differences pupils would find at the new academies headteachers indicated 'not much'.
11. The economy ground to a halt as George Osborne imposed a swift programme of cuts and tax rises: a second recession appears to have been narrowly escaped. The coalition claimed the UK was on the verge of bankruptcy, a stance which has yet to be evidenced and appears to have knocked consumer confidence. Osborne later mysteriously found a spare £7bn to lend to Ireland.
12. The Armed Forces were cut savagely in a swift Strategic Defence Review, seemingly predicated on the idea that the UK would not be doing war for the next ten years. Cameron then immediately led a campaign to attack Colonel Gaddafi's forces who were brutally suppressing protests in Libya. Much of the miltary hardware assigned to the campaign was due to be taken out of service. RAF Tornadoes flew the longest mission since the Falklands in an effort to fire bunker-busting missiles at Gaddafi's compounds.
13. Mr. Cameron was reprimanded for consistently quoting false statistics in parliament.
14. The government was forced to curtail a sell-off of England's publicly-owned forests in the face of fierce cross-party opposition.
15. Andrew Lansley announced sweeping changes to the NHS which contradicted everything the Prime Minister had said during the election campaign. Cameron announced there would be a 'pause' in the process to 'listen and reflect' just prior to council elections in England.
16. The Prime Minister criticised a lack of applications for Royal Wedding street parties, blaming too much red tape. He perhaps forgot that the Criminal Justice Bill, introduced by the last Conservative government, effectively outlawed parties.
17. The Budget imposed savage cuts to council spending. Cameron's government then blamed the inevitable redundancies and closed services on mismanagement and inefficiency, even suggesting that the closure of libraries would be a survival of the fittest.
18. Made a speech in Munich (!) criticising multi-culturalism.
19. Made a speech prior to the local elections re-announcing his heavily compromised immigration policy. Journalists accused him of naked electioneering.
20. Mr. Cameron claimed that the Alternative Vote system would help the BNP. Oddly the BNP appeared to oppose the system. Cameron emphasised the need for winners in the first round of a contest to be elected, despite finishing second, to David Davis, in the first round of his own leadership poll.
21. In an ill-judged moment of temper he told Labour's Angela Eagle to 'Calm down dear' as he was barracked by Labour's front bench at Prime Minister's Questions.
22. The Conservative vote held up well in the English Council elections as the Liberal Democrats were punished heavily for entering the coalition. Cameron also won the AV referendum by a clear majority of 2:1 against. The Conservatives came a distant 2nd in the Welsh Assembly and were nowhere in Scotland.
Sunday, 15 May 2011
Cameron v Miliband PMQs 11th May 2011
David Cameron is an average speech-maker and campaigner but he really comes to life in single combat, he likes to dominate and control interviews whilst occasionally flashing his jokey, human side. His personal speciality is Prime Minister's Questions, the weekly Westminster bloodsport.
He learnt his trade as adviser to a number of Tory leaders then let loose his talent on Tony Blair and Gordon Brown when he ascended to Leader of the Opposition. He was particularly successful against the monolithic Brown whom he teased, angered, embarrassed and humiliated with a sharp wit and pre-planned attacks, silencing the ranks of Labour MPs and encouraging the idea that Brown was a short-tempered bully. Brown victories in the chamber were rare and he was noted for injudicious statements that came back to bite him, such as his infamous 'bringing an end to boom and bust' just prior to the financial crisis. PMQs became Cameron's ground.
When Harriet Harman took temporary charge for Labour, Cameron was befuddled by her po-faced, analytical style. Perhaps he felt awkward facing a woman. He needed someone who would blunder into the traps he carefully prepared, not skilfully avoid them. Ed Miliband initially replicated this questioning style. The chamber fell quiet and again Cameron struggled to find an angle of attack. However he learnt quickly and went on the offensive with name-calling and triumphant domination of the agenda. Miliband became more emotive, to try and whip-up his own side, with mixed results. His performances being portrayed as poorly scripted, novice efforts by Cameron. Cameron scored well with Miliband also doing well at times. However this is the focus of the week for the opposition and only victories will do.
Miliband learnt from Tony Blair's performances in opposition, becoming more strident; confidently setting his agenda. Cameron attempted to emulate Thatcher and to an extent Prime Minister Blair by dismissing the opposition and belittling their politics. Both Blair and Thatcher had crushing majorities to back them up but Cameron only has sombre Lib Dems and uneasy backbenchers, unsure of his right-wing credentials.
Miliband has started to edge ahead. Ed Balls heckles the Prime Minister while George Osborne feeds Cameron lines, occasionally even delivering them himself! Nick Clegg tends to sit disinterestedly, occasionally solemnly nodding.
At yesterday's PMQs, 11th May 2011, Miliband completely trounced Cameron by focussing on the NHS reforms. Cameron had no answers and was portrayed as an out-of-date public school bully, Flashman, when he appeared het-up. Seeing Cameron struggle was a delight for Labour. Cameron turned to his backbenchers for support but found none: stunned silence. The first outright victory at PMQs for Labour, perhaps since Blair last led them.
He learnt his trade as adviser to a number of Tory leaders then let loose his talent on Tony Blair and Gordon Brown when he ascended to Leader of the Opposition. He was particularly successful against the monolithic Brown whom he teased, angered, embarrassed and humiliated with a sharp wit and pre-planned attacks, silencing the ranks of Labour MPs and encouraging the idea that Brown was a short-tempered bully. Brown victories in the chamber were rare and he was noted for injudicious statements that came back to bite him, such as his infamous 'bringing an end to boom and bust' just prior to the financial crisis. PMQs became Cameron's ground.
When Harriet Harman took temporary charge for Labour, Cameron was befuddled by her po-faced, analytical style. Perhaps he felt awkward facing a woman. He needed someone who would blunder into the traps he carefully prepared, not skilfully avoid them. Ed Miliband initially replicated this questioning style. The chamber fell quiet and again Cameron struggled to find an angle of attack. However he learnt quickly and went on the offensive with name-calling and triumphant domination of the agenda. Miliband became more emotive, to try and whip-up his own side, with mixed results. His performances being portrayed as poorly scripted, novice efforts by Cameron. Cameron scored well with Miliband also doing well at times. However this is the focus of the week for the opposition and only victories will do.
Miliband learnt from Tony Blair's performances in opposition, becoming more strident; confidently setting his agenda. Cameron attempted to emulate Thatcher and to an extent Prime Minister Blair by dismissing the opposition and belittling their politics. Both Blair and Thatcher had crushing majorities to back them up but Cameron only has sombre Lib Dems and uneasy backbenchers, unsure of his right-wing credentials.
Miliband has started to edge ahead. Ed Balls heckles the Prime Minister while George Osborne feeds Cameron lines, occasionally even delivering them himself! Nick Clegg tends to sit disinterestedly, occasionally solemnly nodding.
At yesterday's PMQs, 11th May 2011, Miliband completely trounced Cameron by focussing on the NHS reforms. Cameron had no answers and was portrayed as an out-of-date public school bully, Flashman, when he appeared het-up. Seeing Cameron struggle was a delight for Labour. Cameron turned to his backbenchers for support but found none: stunned silence. The first outright victory at PMQs for Labour, perhaps since Blair last led them.
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
A Brief Interview with the Prime Minister, Mr. David Cameron, as He Reaches One Year in Office
Peter Snootles: So Prime Minister, you've been in office for almost a year, what are your thoughts?
David: Yes.
David Cameron: I like the power but I'm not so keen on being booed! We're just trying to implement the Thatcherite policies that everyone loved in the 80s but with a 21st century marketing strategy. I don't understand why people have a problem with that. In my world everything is black or white, right or wrong. There's none of that wishy-washy stuff like Tony Blair: in my view Thatcher was right and our policies are right.
Peter: In the election campaign you were quite ardent that the NHS would not be changed in any way under a Conservative administration. In government you have immediately set out plans to sell it off and break it up. Explain.
David: I recognise that the NHS is very important to people. Millions of people are employed by the NHS and we needed their votes to win an election. On the day of the election I immediately realised that my statements were misleading and could have been misconstrued: I apologise for that. The NHS needs radical reform if we're to lower taxes in the future. Andrew Lansley has been planning his changes for the last 13 years so it would be a shame to call him off now.
Peter: Nevertheless, you are reviewing the policy?
David: Yes, I'm saving the NHS from these despicable reforms.
Peter: Nothing to do with Nick Clegg?
David: No, the changes are mine, but they'll most likely be quite light and superficial: that's the way I roll!
Peter: So you are saving the NHS from your own reforms?
David: Yes.
Peter: In opposition you made great play of a perceived lack of support for the Armed Forces by Gordon Brown.
David: That's true.
Peter: Yet as soon as you gained power you made scything cuts to the Defence budget.
David: The Labour government wasted billions on defence and embarked on controversial wars that were hugely unpopular.
Peter: You supported the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and the Iraq conflict could not have proceeded without Conservative support in the House of Commons. You have now embarked on a war in Libya.
David: Our involvement in Libya is really a token gesture. I couldn't let Sarkozy take all the credit! We have committed a few planes, a couple of ships and a submarine. They'll all be sold off when they return home.
Peter: David Cameron, Prime Minister of Great Britain, thank you for joining me.
Sunday, 10 April 2011
Maggie Thatcher's Guide to Government
Part 1
1.1 Make big cuts to public expenditure.
1.2 Try to hide the cuts by having a royal wedding and get involved in a war you should easily win against a mediocre regime, preferably one you have previously sold arms to. (This advertises your latest range of arms over the previous generation and will help compensate arms companies facing defence cut-backs.)
1.3 Run down, sell off and close all state-owned industry. (This gives the treasury a large cash windfall for pre-election tax cuts.)
1.4 Set up enterprise zones to look like you care about run-down areas.
1.5 Gerrymander constituency boundaries to ensure your opponent's support is heavily diluted.
1.6 Belittle your opponents and take strong for or against stances on every issue.
Part 2
2.1 Lower taxes
2.2 Continue to under-fund all public services and infrastructure.
2.3 Move long-term unemployed, created by the sell-off of industry, onto disability benefit to reduce the unemployment figure.
2.4 Get into bed with France and the US to cater for big cuts in defence spending.
2.5 Continue to privatise and sell off services and infrastructure owned by the state. By now they will be appallingly poorly funded so the service provided will be poor.
2.6 Try to engineer social change through taxation.
2.7 Go ahead with one large-scale infrastructure project that will grab headlines.
Remember to play to your base, the well-off in Southern England. Attract poorer voters with self-improvement rhetoric, 'You can be rich too!'.
When the economic cycle reaches recession you will eventually be voted out.
1.1 Make big cuts to public expenditure.
1.2 Try to hide the cuts by having a royal wedding and get involved in a war you should easily win against a mediocre regime, preferably one you have previously sold arms to. (This advertises your latest range of arms over the previous generation and will help compensate arms companies facing defence cut-backs.)
1.3 Run down, sell off and close all state-owned industry. (This gives the treasury a large cash windfall for pre-election tax cuts.)
1.4 Set up enterprise zones to look like you care about run-down areas.
1.5 Gerrymander constituency boundaries to ensure your opponent's support is heavily diluted.
1.6 Belittle your opponents and take strong for or against stances on every issue.
Part 2
2.1 Lower taxes
2.2 Continue to under-fund all public services and infrastructure.
2.3 Move long-term unemployed, created by the sell-off of industry, onto disability benefit to reduce the unemployment figure.
2.4 Get into bed with France and the US to cater for big cuts in defence spending.
2.5 Continue to privatise and sell off services and infrastructure owned by the state. By now they will be appallingly poorly funded so the service provided will be poor.
2.6 Try to engineer social change through taxation.
2.7 Go ahead with one large-scale infrastructure project that will grab headlines.
Remember to play to your base, the well-off in Southern England. Attract poorer voters with self-improvement rhetoric, 'You can be rich too!'.
When the economic cycle reaches recession you will eventually be voted out.
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
J-Ro Meets Paltrow (Jonathan Ross Interviews Gwyneth Paltrow)
Jonathan is wearing a blue suit with yellow shirt and striped tie.
Gwyneth is wearing a black miniskirt, loose black top and 4 inch heels.
J-Ro: Phwooaww, yaw well fit you are!
Rubs Trousers
Gwyneth: Errr....thank you. I didn't know you cared.
Jonathan jumps up on his desk and starts to gyrate his pelvis.
J-Ro: I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it.
Jonathan gets down.
J-Ro: Make mine a pint of Gwyneth with a smooth, creamy head! What's it like being so fit?
Gwyneth: I'm starring opposite Robert Downey Junior in 'Iron Man'. Robert's a fantastic actor.
J-Ro: I bet he's constantly trying to look up your skirt, the sly old fox!
Gwyneth: My husband would not approve of that! Robert's a real gentleman and a great actor.
J-Ro: What's it like having such fit legs? I definitely would.
Gwyneth: Some parts of the film were improvised, which was a great challenge for serious actors like myself and Robert. Robert's a great actor. My husband is also very devoted to me and our children. He takes them out and plays with them. We're just like a regular couple. We're rarely apart, apart from when I'm filming or he's touring.
J-Ro: I've got kids, you've had kids, and yet I'd still like to take you back to my place for some good old-fashioned hanky-panky.
Gwyneth: My husband is a very caring man. I'm normal. My film is 'Iron Man' where I star opposite Robert Downey Junior. Filming was a lot of fun.
J-Ro: It's OK, my wife doesn't mind, she's a 21st century kind of woman.
Gwyneth: I'm pretty normal. It's so nice to be here in England. London is so quaint!
J-Ro: Gwyneth Paltrow, it's been great having you on the show. Hasn't she been great everyone?
They brush cheeks as Gwyneth exits to applause.
J-Ro: And now it's time for my next guest. Mr Wicky Gerwais!
Gwyneth is wearing a black miniskirt, loose black top and 4 inch heels.
J-Ro: Phwooaww, yaw well fit you are!
Rubs Trousers
Gwyneth: Errr....thank you. I didn't know you cared.
Jonathan jumps up on his desk and starts to gyrate his pelvis.
J-Ro: I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it.
Jonathan gets down.
J-Ro: Make mine a pint of Gwyneth with a smooth, creamy head! What's it like being so fit?
Gwyneth: I'm starring opposite Robert Downey Junior in 'Iron Man'. Robert's a fantastic actor.
J-Ro: I bet he's constantly trying to look up your skirt, the sly old fox!
Gwyneth: My husband would not approve of that! Robert's a real gentleman and a great actor.
J-Ro: What's it like having such fit legs? I definitely would.
Gwyneth: Some parts of the film were improvised, which was a great challenge for serious actors like myself and Robert. Robert's a great actor. My husband is also very devoted to me and our children. He takes them out and plays with them. We're just like a regular couple. We're rarely apart, apart from when I'm filming or he's touring.
J-Ro: I've got kids, you've had kids, and yet I'd still like to take you back to my place for some good old-fashioned hanky-panky.
Gwyneth: My husband is a very caring man. I'm normal. My film is 'Iron Man' where I star opposite Robert Downey Junior. Filming was a lot of fun.
J-Ro: It's OK, my wife doesn't mind, she's a 21st century kind of woman.
Gwyneth: I'm pretty normal. It's so nice to be here in England. London is so quaint!
J-Ro: Gwyneth Paltrow, it's been great having you on the show. Hasn't she been great everyone?
They brush cheeks as Gwyneth exits to applause.
J-Ro: And now it's time for my next guest. Mr Wicky Gerwais!
Questions and Answers with Education Secretary Michael Gove
Simon Lime: You've cancelled Labour's school-building programme, claiming it was grossly inefficient and costly. What are you proposing instead?
Michael Gove: I'm glad you've asked me this question Simon. Yes, the shockingly wasteful Labour government spent millions of pounds on pointlessly ambitious school buildings with top class facilities and inspiring architecture. I have a raft of proposals that will radically reform the schools system and provide more new schools for a fraction of the cost.
Simon: What are your proposals?
Michael: We propose special education zones where building regulations can be relaxed to allow companies and collectives to develop ultra-cheap school buildings for the poor. Since the sad decline in factory farming many chicken sheds and such-like have fallen out of use. These disused environments could be converted into Free Schools for disadvantaged children. They may lack windows and central heating but think of the savings in bills and maintenance. THE POOR MUST BE EDUCATED!
The 'chicken shed' approach would allow for much larger classes, thus cutting the number of teachers required. Also, by doing away with chairs and tables the space can double as a sports hall.
Simon: What are the changes you want to see in the school curriculum?
Michael: I want to see a return to traditional values in education. The Romans, the Victorians, go-getters, the Royals, long division, spelling tests, Latin, reeling off world capital cities, solving equations by hand, learning facts by heart, that kind of thing.
Simon: So no history of the atom bomb, either of the Great Wars or industrialisation? No mention of socialism, communism or revolution, and no analysis of slavery, colonialisation and unionisation.
Michael: No, none of that, strictly non-twentieth century stuff, it's not proper history because it's just too recent and not relevant. We want tales of grandeur, splendour, battles won, battles lost. Nothing too nuanced.
Simon: You wouldn't like to acknowledge the birth of the internet and home computing?
Michael: No you see that is partly where we've gone wrong. All this technology has taken away our ability to remember facts. Text speak and mobile phones have corrupted our language, we should be independent of computers and technology, not dependent.
Simon: So you don't acknowledge technology of the last 60 years?
Michael: I use it, but you know, what's wrong with a pen and paper?
Simon: Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Education, thank you.
Michael Gove: I'm glad you've asked me this question Simon. Yes, the shockingly wasteful Labour government spent millions of pounds on pointlessly ambitious school buildings with top class facilities and inspiring architecture. I have a raft of proposals that will radically reform the schools system and provide more new schools for a fraction of the cost.
Simon: What are your proposals?
Michael: We propose special education zones where building regulations can be relaxed to allow companies and collectives to develop ultra-cheap school buildings for the poor. Since the sad decline in factory farming many chicken sheds and such-like have fallen out of use. These disused environments could be converted into Free Schools for disadvantaged children. They may lack windows and central heating but think of the savings in bills and maintenance. THE POOR MUST BE EDUCATED!
The 'chicken shed' approach would allow for much larger classes, thus cutting the number of teachers required. Also, by doing away with chairs and tables the space can double as a sports hall.
Simon: What are the changes you want to see in the school curriculum?
Michael: I want to see a return to traditional values in education. The Romans, the Victorians, go-getters, the Royals, long division, spelling tests, Latin, reeling off world capital cities, solving equations by hand, learning facts by heart, that kind of thing.
Simon: So no history of the atom bomb, either of the Great Wars or industrialisation? No mention of socialism, communism or revolution, and no analysis of slavery, colonialisation and unionisation.
Michael: No, none of that, strictly non-twentieth century stuff, it's not proper history because it's just too recent and not relevant. We want tales of grandeur, splendour, battles won, battles lost. Nothing too nuanced.
Simon: You wouldn't like to acknowledge the birth of the internet and home computing?
Michael: No you see that is partly where we've gone wrong. All this technology has taken away our ability to remember facts. Text speak and mobile phones have corrupted our language, we should be independent of computers and technology, not dependent.
Simon: So you don't acknowledge technology of the last 60 years?
Michael: I use it, but you know, what's wrong with a pen and paper?
Simon: Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Education, thank you.
An Extract from Prime Minister's Questions 30th March 2011
House of Commons
Wednesday 30th March 2011
PRIME MINISTER
The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron): Congratulations on getting engaged, you d***.
Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab): You're not invited to the wedding because I've heard you used to smash up restaurants, s***stick.
You lied about tuition fees.
The Prime Minister: I don't recall that.
Edward Miliband: You said that fees of £9000 would be the exception not the rule.
The Prime Minister: My lies about tuition fees are justified by your lies about tuition fees.
Edward Miliband: You're cutting police officers when you try to claim that you aren't.
The Prime Minister: I'm not cutting police officers, you're the one who's cutting police officers!
Edward Miliband: You are cutting police officers, everyone says so!
The Prime Minister: I'm not cutting police officers, you are the ones who would be cutting police officers!
Edward Miliband: You are definitely cutting police officers, I am not.
The Prime Minister: I'm not cutting police officers. You are an arse.
Conservative Benches: More! More!
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