Questions and Answers with Education Secretary Michael Gove

Simon Lime: You've cancelled Labour's school-building programme, claiming it was grossly inefficient and costly. What are you proposing instead?

Michael Gove: I'm glad you've asked me this question Simon. Yes, the shockingly wasteful Labour government spent millions of pounds on pointlessly ambitious school buildings with top class facilities and inspiring architecture. I have a raft of proposals that will radically reform the schools system and provide more new schools for a fraction of the cost.

Simon: What are your proposals?

Michael: We propose special education zones where building regulations can be relaxed to allow companies and collectives to develop ultra-cheap school buildings for the poor. Since the sad decline in factory farming many chicken sheds and such-like have fallen out of use. These disused environments could be converted into Free Schools for disadvantaged children. They may lack windows and central heating but think of the savings in bills and maintenance. THE POOR MUST BE EDUCATED!

The 'chicken shed' approach would allow for much larger classes, thus cutting the number of teachers required. Also, by doing away with chairs and tables the space can double as a sports hall.

Simon: What are the changes you want to see in the school curriculum?

Michael:  I want to see a return to traditional values in education. The Romans, the Victorians, go-getters, the Royals, long division, spelling tests, Latin, reeling off world capital cities, solving equations by hand, learning facts by heart, that kind of thing.

Simon: So no history of the atom bomb, either of the Great Wars or industrialisation? No mention of socialism, communism or revolution, and no analysis of slavery, colonialisation and unionisation.

Michael: No, none of that, strictly non-twentieth century stuff, it's not proper history because it's just too recent and not relevant. We want tales of grandeur, splendour, battles won, battles lost. Nothing too nuanced.

Simon: You wouldn't like to acknowledge the birth of the internet and home computing?

Michael: No you see that is partly where we've gone wrong. All this technology has taken away our ability to remember facts. Text speak and mobile phones have corrupted our language, we should be independent of computers and technology, not dependent.

Simon:  So you don't acknowledge technology of the last 60 years?

Michael:  I use it, but you know, what's wrong with a pen and paper?

Simon: Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Education, thank you.

An Extract from Prime Minister's Questions 30th March 2011

House of Commons

Wednesday 30th March 2011

PRIME MINISTER

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron): Congratulations on getting engaged, you d***.

Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab): You're not invited to the wedding because I've heard you used to smash up restaurants, s***stick.

You lied about tuition fees.

The Prime Minister: I don't recall that.

Edward Miliband: You said that fees of £9000 would be the exception not the rule.

The Prime Minister: My lies about tuition fees are justified by your lies about tuition fees.

Edward Miliband: You're cutting police officers when you try to claim that you aren't.

The Prime Minister: I'm not cutting police officers, you're the one who's cutting police officers!

Edward Miliband: You are cutting police officers, everyone says so!

The Prime Minister: I'm not cutting police officers, you are the ones who would be cutting police officers!

Edward Miliband: You are definitely cutting police officers, I am not.

The Prime Minister: I'm not cutting police officers. You are an arse.

Conservative Benches: More! More!

FTSE Points 9th October 2008

FTSE Points

How did the DOW lose 250 points an hour?

A lot of clever people did some very stupid things.

Why did the Nikkei collapse before our eyes?

A lot of greedy people did some very stupid things.

How did our lives change without change at all?

A lot of stupid people did some clever, crazy things.

CAC

DAX

NIKKEI

FTSE,

DOW

HANG SENG

AO

NYMEX.

NASDAQ

AIM

STRAITS

BEL 20,

AEX

TECH100

EUROSTOXX

SMI.

House Of Commons Debate on UN Security Council Resolution 1973

House Of Commons

Monday 21st March 2011

UN Security Council Resolution 1973

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron): I am focused and earnest.

Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab): I am the Prime Minister.

The Prime Minister: I don't like you.

Edward Miliband: When will you grow up?

The Prime Minister: What is your policy on Libya?

Edward Miliband: My policy is the same as yours but I have been more careful and considerate in forming my opinion.

Edmund Wonder (Billericay) (Con): Why don't you show yourself up by putting forward an ill-judged opinion?

Edward Miliband: I have carefully considered my position and it is the same as the government, who have an army of civil servants telling them what to say.

Norman Sunder (East Stowe) (LD): We completely support war now that we are in government: can I recommend we sell arms to the rebels?

 

Edward Miliband: I don't believe our actions should exceed the limitations of the United Nations Security Council Resolution.

 

John Redwood (Wokingham) (Con): Tony Blair once hugged Gaddafi: Are you a dictator-hugger?
 

Edward Miliband: Tony Blair was entirely right to hug Gaddafi as he was pretending to be his friend in exchange for money.

Craig N'Ewbie (Eversholt) (Con): I don't really understand what's going on. Can you repeat everything you just said?

An Extract from Prime Minister's Questions 16th March 2011

House of Commons

Wednesday 16th March 2011

PRIME MINISTER

The Prime Minister was asked-

Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab): Why are you  f******-over poor people you big wazzock?

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron): You disgust me, you socialist, turncoat, backstabbing liar!

Edward Miliband: Answer the question, you slimy s***.

The Prime Minister: I have never hurt anyone but you consistently beat up homeless people when you were in power, and your dad is a f***wit.

Edward Miliband: I love the homeless and regularly feed them bread in my free evenings, of which I have many. Are you an arsewipe?

The Prime Minister: The honourable gentleman is a man of no reputation, has no friends, no talents, he deceives and lies; but worst of all he wastes rich people's money. What a socialist f***face.

Edward Miliband: When are you going to answer a question you pre-scripted, public school automaton?

The Prime Minister: I have smart clothes and friends who speak proper. I'm middle-class and so are all my mates. We use breadmakers and stuff like that so let's keep this civil, you dishonourable, communist dirtbag.

Edward Miliband: I'll take my red flag and stick it up your public school bottom. Your face looks like a giant pastry. I will eat your head for lunch then dismember your body and feed it to pigs.

The Prime Minister: No answers, no plans, no credibility. I like your brother more than you and so do all your friends. Goodbye.

David Brownnose (Buckingham South) (Con): I've heard the PM loves children and animals, but the leader of the opposition doesn't: is this true?

The Prime Minister: I do indeed like children, in a paternal way, but isn't it typical of the socialists opposite and their bitter twisted thinking, that they dislike children and animals so much.

Simon Socialconscience (East Riding) (Lab): Why is the Prime Minister closing a very important debt advice service in my constituency?

The Prime Minister: I'm very sorry to hear that it is closing but unfortunately your party leader spent all the money on pointless, wasteful mobile dinners for the elderly, so it has to close.

Celia Shufflebotham (North Norfolk) (Con): How long will these dreadful socialists keep moaning on about people earning money?

The Prime Minister: I support those who earn money but it is clear that the opposition do not. They say it all the time, "Ner, ner, ner, give me your money so I can spend it on hopeless, ballet-dancing wasters," etcetera.

David Cameron's response to his Statement of Yesterday

Following my (amended) 'Promise to the People of Great Britain' yesterday I would like to clarify a number of points. Although I am acquainted with the Bank of Richer People, they are not my friends and, indeed, I am not a member of said organisation.

I also stated that business people favour lower taxes because taxes cost them money. I should clarify that large businesses avoid the majority of taxes through off-shoring so lowering taxes merely allows them to attend the tennis and cricket more regularly.

Yours sincerely,

Rt. Hon. David Cameron
Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

Cameron's Arc: My Promise to the people of Great Britain (well, mostly England actually)

We are nice people; we care. We will support nice things and improve the things that annoy you. The people in charge are bad, very bad, they are nasty bullies. We aren't like them except we will do the things that they do that you like, without being bullies. There will be cuts, but not to the things you like. The National Health Service will not be changed, at all, because we know you like it. Also, nice things for kids won't be cut, because 'hard-working (not lazy) families' like them. We will cut taxes proposed by the bullies and use the money we save from cutting taxes to pay for 'cancer drugs', because we don't like cancer and neither do you. So we'll cut taxes and give you more stuff you like.

No-one will have to lose their jobs because the bullies in charge are not only dislikeable but also inefficient. They spend money on stuff we don't see and don't need so we will cut this stuff and pay off the money the government gave to the banks because of their shocking incompetence. (We used to want to be like Ireland, with really low taxes and much less regulation, but now Ireland has gone bust so we don't want to be like them anymore, or at least that's what we're saying for now.) Anything that is bad is nothing to do with us: we're good and all our friends say so, the tycoon-owned press and rich, tax-avoiding business people for example. They know low taxes are right because taxes cost them money.


ADDENDUM
The money we thought we had was spent on grossly inefficient projects like schools, hospitals, aeroplanes and ships. We're getting rid of all that because the money was wasted. These items were bought using loans that we want to pay off, it's like a giant credit card that no-one ever told us about. Don't fear though because we are friends with the Bank of Richer People, who gave us the loans, and have assured them the situation will be dealt with swiftly. Unfortunately we told them you were mostly going to have to lose your jobs. Don't fear because we will create new jobs somehow, by cutting regulations (like stuff that stops people dying or being ripped off) and devaluing currency we will make British products much cheaper for foreigners to buy. (The downside is the majority of stuff you buy is made overseas and will thus be more expensive.) Those who keep their jobs will be paid less for working longer hours and everything will cost more. Once we have paid off the richer people (not our friends!) we will cut taxes to ensure you still like us.

Sadly, what we said about the NHS was a mistake, the stuff you like is all going to have to go after all, but hey, we're nice and we're right, all our friends say so, so listen to them, not those other guys, the incompetent ones who have no plans( which we have not copied) and aren't friends with richer people (well they were for a bit).

Love,

Dave, Michael, William (not Gay) and George