A Christmas Interview with Prime Minister David Cameron

Gareth Wilbertstein: So Prime Minister, another year has passed and the Eurozone sovereign debt crisis continues to roll on: what have you done to contain its effects on the globe and Britain in particular?

David Cameron: I didn't show up at most of the meetings because they don't concern me but when I did I vetoed attempts to bring in tighter fiscal rules for Eurozone countries! My pointless blustering bolstered my standing with the rebellious Eurosceptics in my own party and gave me a brief boost in the polls!

GW: What about Nick Clegg?

DC: Who?

GW: The Liberal Democrats?

DC: Oh....ummm....I think it is in the best interests of the country that they are sidelined by my rhetoric. I don't think they're too happy, but I'm not bothered: they're nowhere in the polls.

GW: How has your posturing helped the UK economy?

DC: It didn't but the continuing crisis gives us a convincing reason why the economy isn't performing. We don't believe in the Euro: we'd be happy if it collapsed but we can't be seen to be happy about it collapsing. Every time I get a chance I just surreptitiously nudge it closer to the edge.

GW: Bailouts for Greece?

DC: No.....we might sneak some money across via the IMF but I don't really believe in helping people out. It's their problem so they can sort it out for themselves.

GW: Higher borrowing forecast, lower growth, higher unemployment, higher inflation, higher taxes: things are going well for George Osborne?

DC: Tough times for some but it's all Labour's fault for following a pattern of financial deregulation that we wholeheartedly approved of at the time. What's great is that we're still arguing for further deregulation of things like employment law, even though that's what caused the crisis! It's all extra profit for our corporate backers: Veuve Clicquot all round!

GW: And finally, the Health Service?

DC: Yes, the NHS, in many ways this is our pet project. We want to show that a state-run monopoly can easily be turned into a corporate monopoly in 3-5 years. The great thing is that corporations generate profits; profits go to share-holders and Chief Executives who then pass the money on to political parties via donations. When I leave office I'm going to have so many companies begging to reward me for feeding their bottom line!

GW: Merry Christmas Prime Minister!

DC: Glad tidings to one and all!

David Cameron’s Speech to the Conservative Party Conference, Manchester 2011

My name is David Cameron. I am a Conservative Party politician and Prime Minister of Great Britain. I’m so proud!

My party never walks on by on the other side, apart from when we’re in a roped off VIP area drinking champagne! We helped out in Libya because there is loads of oil there, we need oil! To the people of Bahrain, Syria, Yemen, Zimbabwe, Plaistow, Rotherham and Hackney I say, “Find some more oil and we’ll help you out too!”

The army and police are great. They wear uniforms.

I wish everybody wasn’t so pessimistic all the time. Hey, I know the Conservatives are in power, I know we told you everything was awful to justify the cuts but look on the bright side, it can’t get any worse, can it?

Well, actually it can get worse, a whole lot worse. The British economy isn’t growing. Greece can’t afford to pay its debts and default could affect a number of major European banks. The western economies are all balancing on the edge of a precipice. This recession isn’t a normal recession, it’s a depression. Excessive government austerity has stalled growth. This is partly our fault. We’ve stood by and watched the Eurozone crisis, unhelpfully shouting, “Sort it out!” every five minutes. Maybe we should be more involved but really we want it all to fail and prove our policies right.

Building an economy is like building a house. We inherited a house that needed significant repairs but George Osborne cut away the foundations and now it is leaning to the right.

Let me say this: I am a halibut. While I am Prime Minister I shall remain a halibut and wish to be referred to as such always.

Of course this is all Labour’s fault, they continued deregulating the financial system to sideline the Conservatives and it all went horribly wrong. Well now we’re back and can continue the deregulation they continued without upsetting any bankers. Those with the most money have nothing to fear when the Conservatives are in office. Why would we do anything to hurt our biggest backers and indeed, ourselves?

To the Unions I say, you were offered jobs with pensions that we have no intention of honouring, so it is only fair that we renege on the deal and blame you for the economic woes of the country. Ha!

I love the NHS, I’m going to use it as a front organisation to channel money to private healthcare firms in the US. These firms will pump some of that money back into the Conservative party via their UK subsidiaries. We can all agree that that is rather clever! It looks like I’m not privatising healthcare when really I am and I’m earning from it!

No more of this can't-do sogginess. Anyone can set-up a pyramid scheme or a hot-house telephone scam offering fictitious government grants for a small initial fee or a bogus charity pretending to collect second-hand clothes for the poor when really they're selling them as new in Tanzania.  This is the Britain I want to see more of: supermarkets selling out of date yoghurts and gone off chickens; lax safety regimes that lead to workers being seriously injured. Put your safety at risk, take off those hard hats remove the safety rails and sell them for scrap. These are the engines of growth in our economy.

We want High Speed Rail, Superfast Broadband and more apprenticeships. We also want to allow house-builders to build on any land they want. Particularly the land in the green belt that has been bought up by land banking schemes and will suddenly increase markedly in value if planning laws are miraculously relaxed. They’ll be thanking us with donations for months. If you don’t like it, get stuffed!

When Labour say they want to fight inequality, what they really mean is they want to oppress the unfairly advantaged. We must fight equality wherever we see it!

Something really massive is happening in this country. The state is funding new religious schools, schools founded by hedge-fund millionaires and failing private schools without requiring  any input into their curriculum or how the money is spent. Councils are having their education funding taken away to give to Academies, leaving the remaining local schools with reduced budgets. We are leading the long road back to rigour, back to pencil and paper, back to textbooks, blackboards and corporal punishment, back to the 1950s and hopefully back to the early 1900s. Mental arithmetic and proper punctuation are what the modern world requires, not computers, the internet and a good understanding of broadcast media: it’s too confusing for their little heads. My child said to me the other day, “Daddy, what’s the cane?”, these kids have no idea. At their age I was smoking cannabis and dreaming of the Bullingdon Club. These are the skills that will produce the under-employed engineers and scientists that currently block up low paid jobs in our economy.

I haven’t finished my speech properly because it didn’t quite work out but here are some disjointed statements to finish up.

Leadership works.

I want to tear down private schools and replace them with state comprehensives, I think?

Youth unemployment, soaring inflation, VAT hikes: the Conservatives are back in government! 

I want to scrap the Human Rights Act. Human rights are not guaranteed for all, I’ll decide who deserves human rights and no-one else. (Beat that Gaddafi!)

I’m going to spend up to £14,000 on everyone who’s been unemployed for five years. Apply now; when it’s gone it’s gone! *Terms and conditions apply, your soul may be repossessed if you claim benefits again or fail to leave the country when asked, Irish Travellers need not apply.

In the 1980s Margaret Thatcher facilitated the sell-off of council houses. A whole generation of council tenants benefited from discounted house prices and subsequently scaled the property ladder. Luckily there isn’t much social housing around anymore but we thought we’d try and sell what’s left, just to be sure.

I don’t believe in true justice, just fast justice. A fair trial is a quick trial, so let’s speed things up and use the savings for tax cuts!

I love kids. I want more childcare, more health visitors and relationship support but I’m a millionaire, so I can pay for it. If you want this stuff marry a fat, old, rich man.

Marriage doesn’t lead to arguments, years of bitterness and extensive emotional distress. It is a sacred institution that I want to reward with money.

Isn’t it great when people do things for free that they are usually paid for. Like when someone gives you a shoeshine and at the end you just say, “Thanks!” and leave without paying  or a waiter brings you your dinner then you say, “Goodnight” and leave without tipping. It’s these little moments that make me feel warm inside, knowing I’ve a saved just a tiny fraction of my fortune for another day.

The only way to make a bigger society is to scrap Health and Safety legislation. Young people need to do National Citizen’s Service. Britannia used to rule the waves until I scrapped the aircraft carriers. I hate armbands. I am a God.

Thank you! 

No parts of this speech were hastily re-written following an overtly negative reaction from the press corp.

A Speech by the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, to the Conservative Party Conference, Manchester 2011

Unlike Gordon Brown I respect my work colleagues. Thanks to William Hague and Danny Alexander for making me look clever!

Three sets of people are to blame for the economic crisis that happened 3 years ago. A subject that has been discussed at length ever since:

The last Government for deregulating the banks, something we would never do.

Bankers for lending money and doing stuff I don’t understand.

Europeans for allowing everyone to trade with the same currency: patently a ridiculous idea.

This is a debt crisis caused by debt. The only way to stop debts is to sell off all your stuff to richer people who can then profit from your misery.

I’ve given the Bank of England oversight of the banks to stop them doing bad stuff. They are completely independent. However I’ve told them they have to keep interest rates low or else they’re sacked.

Things are looking bad at the moment. I can’t do anything about this: I’m powerless. We just need to hope for the best, ride out the storm and pray for a day when great prosperity will be bestowed on our people. (Hopefully through cutting public sector jobs and lowering taxes.)

On the subject of tax, I don’t believe in temporary tax cuts however I’m announcing a freeze in council tax for 1 year!

At the Labour Party conference Tony Blair’s name was booed a bit. When you boo Tony Blair’s name you’re booing all the people who ever voted for him, even if they have since realised this was an error, and the whole of middle England! Remember that! Yeah!

(We are all in this together.)

I wrote the independent Vickers Report on banking reform by Sir John Vickers. It is great. Hardly any convincing regulations and some waffle about switching bank accounts! My city mates were very pleased!

One day I want Britain to make stuff. I don’t want to hear about China making an incredibly advanced aircraft, I want us to do that. Some may say, “Wait, didn’t we build the new Nimrod aircraft at enormous cost only for the planes to be torn apart by bulldozers at my behest!” I say, “They were the wrong sort of advanced aircraft, they were built under Labour!”

There was once an Industrial Revolution in Manchester. Industrialists became mega-rich by paying incredibly low wages. I hope those days will return soon.

If the Unions decide to go on strike I’m going to use them as a smokescreen for my failing economic policies. It’s only right! They expect pensions that were promised but haven’t been provided for by successive governments. Too bad. Private sector employees have been ripped off by companies spending their pensions for years and now the public sector can suffer too.

136 years ago the Conservatives brought in the Chimney Sweeper’s Act! That’s the last time we’ll help out low earners. I’m scrapping employment tribunals because in my view employees have no legitimate rights. People should be grateful for any kind of employment. There’s not a lot of it about!

I’ve said we should set up a Green Investment Bank. The UK only produces 2% of the World’s Carbon emissions. We never polluted much in the past either, the industrial revolution was notable for the fine air quality. To be honest, now we’re in power I’ve pretty much given up on all the ‘eco’ claptrap. Go forth and pollute. Everyone else does.

To sum up. The Euro problem is nothing to do with me. Keep your fingers crossed, I’m not changing my plans. I’m not doing anything at any time but I want you to feel like I am. You’re on your own.

Thank you.

Flatlining in the Danger Zone

With record low interest rates and rising inflation, capitalists are searching for good returns on their money. Capitalism has been propped up by state borrowing and Quantitative Easing, causing governments to run up large budget deficits. Capitalists and governments own the government debt and they want a return on that investment, thus they are forcing up the interest rates for this debt, starting with countries they think will be less able to repay.

Governments gave capitalists money which they then invested in government bonds, seen as a safe haven, along with gold, in times of crisis. The capitalists want a return on their investment so governments are paying banks and financial institutions interest on the money they leant the capitalists to bail them out.

In order to service their debts, and please the capitalists, governments are implementing programmes of tax rises and cuts to services. Governments that issue their own currencies have further flexibility in their programmes because they can create new money. This is effectively a tax on everything that is imported from areas using stronger currencies because the home currency is devalued. It boosts companies that export to areas trading in other currencies because their goods suddenly become cheaper for these countries to buy.

All major developed economies are following the same programme of spending cuts, tax rises and Quantitative Easing simultaneously, negating the benefits but also ameliorating the downsides. Will any major economy break the stalemate and issue more money, risking higher inflation but potentially boosting exports?

The state possesses many levers in this situation: it can regulate, legislate, set taxes, pay benefits, print money and hire or fire workers. Due to the global reach of big businesses, however, the powers of individual countries acting alone are diminished. Any country that imposes too much regulation or sets taxes too high risks losing businesses, and their tax revenues, to neighbouring states. This downward pressure means only joint action by major economic powers can reign in the demands of global businesses.

Economic leaders like George Osborne in Britain have implemented stringent austerity measures to please the markets and keep the interest payments on government debt low. In the US, Barack Obama agreed to implement only half the spending cuts demanded by the credit-rating agency Standard & Poor's with his Republican opponents. Standard & Poor's subsequently downgraded the US AAA credit rating. However interest rates on US Treasury Bonds continued to decline, with investors ignoring the ratings advice.

Individuals, and society in general, face wage freezes, rising prices, increased taxation, reduced services, reduced benefits, increased retirement age. Debtors, such as mortgage holders benefit from the low rate of interest. Growth will only arrive when banks have rebuilt their balance sheets and begin lending money, individuals feel wealthy enough to start spending or governments relax their austerity measures.

Capito-Socio-Stateism

I am not an economist but I have been forced to dig deeper into economics over the last two years in order to understand short-selling, the banking crisis, mortgage-backed securities and sovereign wealth funds.

There are three intricately-linked masses I identify: capitalism, state-ism and socialism. The state provides benefits and services and receives revenues from taxation: taxes are levied on businesses (capitalism) and individuals (society). Capitalism (business) earns revenue by providing services and goods; it pays some taxes to the state. Society (individuals) gives money to capitalists through investment and in return for services, some earn revenues through shares, they pay taxes to the state and receive some services and benefits in return, they are employed by the state or by capitalists, some do not work or work for themselves.

In a boom, capitalism grows quickly, money flows easily in terms of investment from individuals. Services are in demand, as are goods. The state benefits in terms of healthy tax revenues. Individuals are thus paid more by the state and by business, fuelling even greater demand for goods and services. Unfortunately those who are out of work are left behind. 

With all the money swirling around, capitalism is an enormous, growing, behemoth with nothing to rein it in. Profits outstrip growth in wages and taxation. Everyone is happy, apart from those who are unemployed. The state creates jobs for these people and capitalism provides loans so they can join in too. Where can this go wrong? Unfortunately the supply of capital is essentially finite, for capitalism to get very big, in economic terms, society and the state must shrink. The state is getting bigger so individual wealth must therefore be diminishing rapidly. When individual wealth dries up so will investment and demand for goods and services. In order to maintain the boom, capitalists lend money to the state and individuals so they can keep spending. Thanks capitalism! When the loans are due to be repaid there is no money left. Capitalism's ever-growing pyramid has been undermined at its foundations by giving away millions of tiny bricks, each insignificant on their own but combined together the weight is too great. Capitalism's pyramid begins to collapse into a disordered pile.

Individuals withdraw their investment and stop buying goods and services. Tax revenues from business drop. Faced with losing its income, the state offers to support capitalism. The state is the only entity that can create money from thin air. The downside is that increasing the amount of money decreases its value. Capitalism says, "Thanks very much!" we will lend you some of our money so that you can keep the economy going. Capitalism's diminished and disordered pyramid is propped up at the foundations. The state continues borrowing from the top of capitalism's diminished but still abundant pile and creates money out of thin air to keep its wheels turning; thus compensating for the loss of taxes. People gradually start to re-invest their money and purchase services. 

Capitalism now says, "We're OK, thanks for the help, please could we have our money back?"

The state says, "Yes, but because I have created money from thin air, I actually owe you less in real terms than I borrowed!" Capitalism says, "I expected some interest actually!"

Tax revenues are still low, so the state has to reduce its size to compensate. Services and benefits are cut, reducing individual's income further, people employed by the state are made redundant and pay is frozen. This hurts individual's wealth, along with the creation of money from thin air, which has devalued currency and made everything more expensive in real terms. This puts pressure back on business.

This is where we are now. George Osborne, Chancellor of the UK, is now taxing transactions more, through VAT, and cutting benefits and services. Transaction taxes directly inhibit growth. He is also gradually reducing taxation on business in an effort to make the UK more appealing to big business. In his favour is a reduction in individual taxation, through the raising of the level at which income tax is applied, and an increase in Capital Gains Tax. Both of these measures appear to have been adopted at the behest of the Liberal Democrats.

Individuals have very little surplus money. In order to fuel growth individual taxation needs to decrease or benefits need to increase. If individuals start spending money, business revenues will increase, thus increasing tax revenues and fuelling private sector employment. The state can then repay some of the loans it has received and gradually reduce Quantitative Easing.

David Cameron's Statement On Three Days Of Rioting in Britain

Let's be clear, this disgusting, sickening, inexcusable criminality must end. I would like to pay tribute to the police and emergency services who have performed bravely in the face of unprecedented violent disorder. We will be bringing in more police from surrounding forces to supplement the police presence tonight. All police leave is cancelled.

There is no excuse for what has occurred over the last three nights: businesses looted and burnt to the ground; high streets smashed; homeowners terrorised: it must stop now. A small minority of criminals are turning London into a no-go zone which is totally unacceptable.

Those found to have been involved in this wanton lawlessness will be tracked down and feel the full force of the law.

Parliament Meets The Murdochs

Chairman: Let’s begin

James Murdoch: Can we write tomorrow’s papers now?

Dreary Chairman: No, I’d like to press on, that will have to wait until the end.

James Murdoch: In that case at least allow us to provide the headline, Dad -

Rupert: Today is the most humble day of my life.

Tom Watson: Mr Murdoch, do you do bad stuff?

James: Can I answer that question?

TW: I’d like to hear your father’s answer.

Rupert: ................................... ......................................nope [Thumps Desk] ....

Tom Watson: Do you know anything about phone hacking at the News Of The World?

James: I might be able to provide a more detailed answer to that question.

Tom Watson: I’d like to hear Mr Murdoch’s answer.

Rupert: [Head Bowed] ....................................the News Of The World [thump]......................I don’t know anything about that [thump, thump, thump].........

James: I can provide all the detail if you would allow me...

Tom Watson: It is very revealing what your Father does and doesn’t know about his business.

James: The News Of The World is only 1% of our business. It is not an important part of our daily operations.

Tom Watson: Did you know that the News Of The World paid out huge sums to Gordon Taylor and Max Clifford in out-of-court settlements for phone hacking?

James Murdoch: We wouldn’t know anything about that. It’s nothing to do with us.

Tom Watson: Did you know that in a prior session this committee accused your executives of collective amnesia over phone hacking?

Rupert Murdoch: .............................I did not know that [smiles]..

Tom Watson: [smiling] Why are you smiling Mr Murdoch?

Rupert Murdoch: ....................When you say amnesia........you really mean lying.......

Bright Blazer Man: Hello Mr and Mr Murdoch. Who runs the News Of The World and who signs off large payments?

Rupert: .........................Les Hinton...............................he was in charge...

Scared Tory: Do you feel let down by those below you and who do you blame?

Rupert Murdoch: ...........I feel let down by them.........and by those below them who let them down...

Tough Scot: Do you regularly meet the Prime Minister?

Rupert: ... I have met him.... occasionally........Not as much as previous Prime Ministers....

Tough Scot: It is recorded that you met the PM at Downing Street, the day after the election, and that you entered by the back door. What was the purpose of this visit?

Rupert: ........I just dropped in........for tea............That was all..

Tough Scot: But you entered by the back door?

Rupert: ......yes.................that was their choice.....................I don’t know why...

Tough Scot: By the back door?

Rupert: ...Yes.

Tough Scot: So you entered by the back door.

Rupert: .....Yes...

Tough Scot: The back door.

Scared Tory: Do you regularly meet Prime Ministers?

Rupert: Yes, I was great mates with Gordon Brown. We went on holiday together, played backgammon, went down the pub, played darts, went shooting, ate foie gras, discussed economics. He was a great guy. I bought a bouncy castle for his kids, made fairy cakes with his wife........but we fell out.......I miss those times.....

Thérèse Coffey:  Why did you close the News Of The World?

Rupert: ............We lost the trust of the readers.....

James Murdoch: The quantum of business was no longer optimal.

Rupert: My Dad exposed the farce of Gallipoli............ so no-one in the British establishment liked me........I’m a rebel............ an outsider............I won people’s hearts with tits, sex scandals and football.....................did I mention that the Sun has extended football coverage every Monday?

James: Everything I did I did because my lawyers and advisors told me to. I can provide written answers to all your questions.

Dreary Chairman: Now a final question from Louise Mensch.

Wendi Murdoch: Oh No!

A foam pie is pushed into Rupert’s face.

Dreary Chairman: We will adjourn for ten minutes.

                                                                                                       

Chairman: We’re very sorry for that assault.

Rupert: It’s OK.

Tom Watson: Mrs Murdoch has a mean left hook.

Louise Mensch: Mr Murdoch do you think you should resign over this affair?

Rupert: .........................Nope................

Chairman: Thank you very much for attending and, once again, sorry for the assault.

David Cameron's Statement to the House 20th July 2011

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron):

There are many ways to clean up a mess: some people would simply remove it in its entirety, I favour smearing it around until it has virtually disappeared, sweeping a little bit under everybody's door and hoping for the best.

I will now smear everyone with a little bit of muck. Firstly I will deposit a large quantity on the police. They are rubbish but brave, dishonest but wholesome. I propose that the police no longer promote from within and that I be allowed to ferry in anyone I like to the top policing jobs. That's the police comprehensively smeared and put down, let's be clear.

On the subject of the emails between Assistant Commissioner John Yates and my Chief Of Staff Ed Llewellyn: my staff have investigated themselves and found themselves to be entirely in the right. That's my staff wiped clean around the mouth with a hankie.

As for the BSkyB bid I wasn't involved and my staff have told me I did everything right. The Cabinet Secretary says everything was, and is, fine. He has inspected my backside and my coat-tails and found them to be entirely clean and unruffled.

I've never met Neil Wallis and neither have any of my friends. All of my friends are shiny and bright, almost sparklingly bright and shiny. They are clean.

As for Andy Coulson - he should go to prison!

Now let's not have any of that cheap political point-scoring like I used to do!


Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab):

You are tragic and incompetent.

PMQs 13th July 2011: Cameron Gets His Ass Kicked

PRIME MINISTER

The Prime Minister was asked-

Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab): You love Murdoch, don't you?

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron): You're the Murdoch lover, my relationship is purely professional. Phone hacking is absolutely disgusting and what has happened to the families of dead soldiers, Milly Dowler and the victims of terrorist attacks is absolutely disgusting.

Ed M: Rebekah Brooks disgusts me but you seem to love her. Would you like to express your love now?

PM: She's alright but my relationship with her is not intimate. If she wants to resign she can but it has nothing to do with me.

Ed M: You seem intent on pushing through the Murdoch bid for BSkyB: this seems nuts. Why not give it up you pasty-faced no-mark.

PM: I'm totally happy with Mr Murdoch taking full control of BSkyB, he almost helped win me an election and I can't let him down in case he switches sides again. I think the gentleman should examine his own position regarding the Murdochs.

Ed M: I'm not Blair, I'm not Brown, I'm Miliband, Ed Miliband. I don't need rich supporters, I'm going to slay the Beast and then slay those that feed him! Why do you love Andy Coulson? He's a crimbo and a particularly dislikeable crimbo at that!

PM: I hate phone hackers and the Murdochs will have to account for their own actions, and what's happened is disgusting: the hacking of dead soldier's phones, murder victims and all that stuff. It's absolutely disgusting, all of it.

G-No meets Paltrow: Graham Norton interviews Gwyneth Paltrow, Lady Gaga, Geoffrey Rush and a second camp Irish comedian.

Graham does a few primetime BBC 1 jokes mostly about his guests.

G-No: Before 10pm I'm everybody's best friend but as soon as the clock strikes ten I'm free to take the piss!!! You have been warned; wooohooo! Now, here is the woman of the moment - Lady Gaga!!

Gaga gyrates awkwardly while myriad dancers strut behind her, she shrieks, "Judas! Judas!" in a scene seeming to parody 80s Madonna.

G-No: Wasn't that great everybody! Gaga will be joining us once she's changed into a slightly more awkward outfit!

Sitting on the sofa are Gwyneth Paltrow, Geoffrey Rush and another Irish comedian.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Would you like to try some of my vegetarian paella? I made it especially as I am publicising my new career as a celebrity cook.

G-No: O....K?

Graham, Geoffrey Rush, and the 2nd Camp Irish Comedian take a spoonful each.

Geoffrey Rush: What are those big vegetables?

Paltrow: Artichokes.

G-No: I'd stick to the acting, seriously. Didn't you once set fire to a duck?

Paltrow: Yes, I was spit-roasting some duck and it caught fire. I threw it in the swimming pool.

G-No: Ha. Ha. Great!

2nd Camp Irish Comedian: I'm here to publicise my tour and fill in the gaps when the conversation dips! Once, when I was performing, something funny happened. It was great!

G-No: Hilarious!

Geoffrey Rush: I've got a lonnngg boooring aanecdote fromm the paaaast. It's nottt that funnyy but iitt doooes invooolve nuuudittyyy.

G-No: Great, thanks Geoffrey.

Paltrow: Hey Graham I can rap! Yo MUTHAF###A!

G-No: Whoah! More please!

Paltrow: Yeah MUTHAF###A, f@*# da police! NWA in da house!

G-No: Tee, hee, hee. Extraordinary!

Paltrow: I can rap and cook and sing! I'm a great Mom! I'm hip! I love England, it's so quaint!

Lady Gaga sidles in wearing a Greek Orthodox wedding dress.

G-No: Helllooo Gaagaa!

Gaga: I love my fans!

G-No: You wear such crazy outfits don't you.

Gaga: Yes.

Paltrow: I've been to one of Gaga's concerts. We're buddies.

Gaga: I gave you my THIERRY MUGLER (TM) perfume.

Paltrow: Yes. I thought, 'she smells nice', and I asked her what the scent was that she was wearing.

Gaga: It was THIERRY MUGLER (TM) perfume....which I gave to her. I'm generous and profitable.

G-No: Right.

Gaga: I love my fans sooo much. Don't forget to buy THIERRY MUGLER (TM) perfume everyone!!!

G-No: Actually one of your fans has made a load of tiny doll-sized versions of your most famous outfits.

Gaga: Oh. OK.

G-No: I've got them here.

Gaga: OK. Interesting. I love my fans.

G-No: Now you're going to perform your latest hit aren't you? Everyone it's 'Born This Way'!

Gaga simulates an awkward orgy with her backing dancers in a tub of goo, whilst singing 'Born This Way'. The end credits roll.

PMQs 17th May 2011 Does Ken Clarke like rapists?

PRIME MINISTER

The Prime Minister was asked-

Edward Miliband (Doncaster North) (Lab): Following the Justice Secretary's comments earlier today: Do you like rapists?

The Prime Minister (Mr David Cameron): I have not heard the comments. However, I do not like rapists. I think they are nasty, evil, stinkers.

Edward Miliband: Do you think rape is bad?

The Prime Minister: I think rape is bad, very bad, I dislike rape a lot.

Edward Miliband: I think you should sack the Justice Secretary for liking rapists.

The Prime Minister: Rape is a heinous crime which I dislike a lot. We all agree rape is bad, don't we?
 
Dr Julian Lewis (New Forest East) (Con): I love submarine-launched nuclear weapons systems: do you?

The Prime Minister: I support Trident, unlike the awful Old Labour people opposite. They reek of socialism, they are awful dinosaurs. I wouldn't spit on the opposition if they were burning in a nuclear fire.

Corius Spit (Luton South) (Lab): Trident is never going to be used, can never be used and has never been used. It's a legacy of the cold war which ended 20 years ago. It's a God-awful waste of money! I don't support Trident: why do you?

The Prime Minister: I think nuclear weapons are great, if we get killed we can still kill the other lot thus assuring our mutual destruction. In fact I only wish I could use them on our own people, I'd nuke East London, the North and Scotland.

Conservative Benches : More! More!

Barry Levinson (East Wicke) (Lab): Your new best friend, Mark Britnell, hates the NHS, why is he your adviser?

The Prime Minister: I don't know this person and have never met him. I believe he was an adviser to the last government! Ha! Ha!

　

　

　

　

David Cameron: A Year in Office

One year ago David Cameron, self-professed middle-class old-Etonian public schoolboy millionaire and his entrepreneur wife, Samantha, was helped into office by the similarly-educated Nick Clegg, leader of the Liberal Democrats.

Here is some of what has happened since.

1. On his way to Buckingham Palace to meet the Queen, Cameron's Jaguar was papped by kids as he got stuck in rush-hour traffic.

2. He returned to Downing Street to a mixture of boos and cheers, with one woman giving him the thumbs down as he drove in. His first speech outside No. 10 was met by cat-calls and shouting.

3. On his first visit to America he appeared to have no understanding of the history of the 2nd World War by claiming that Britain was a junior partner to the U.S. in 1940. America didn't join the war until December 1941, after Pearl Harbor.

4. On his first visit to India Cameron criticised Pakistan and accused them of exporting terror, causing a diplomatic ruck.

5. As democratic uprisings erupted in Tunisia, Egypt and Bahrain Cameron accompanied a phalanx of British businessmen to the Middle East, promoting arms exports.

6. He and Foreign Secretary William Hague OK'd a US mission to rescue British charity worker Linda Norgrove, who was being held hostage in Afghanistan. She was killed by a grenade thrown by her rescuers. The media were initially led to believe she had been wearing a 'suicide-bomb-jacket' when she died.

7. Tory HQ at Millbank was trashed by protestors against the raising of tuition fees. The first in a series of fraught demonstrations. Cameron claimed fees of £9000 per year would only apply in exceptional circumstances. It would quickly become evident that, given the scale of University cuts, £9000 fees would be the norm.

8. The right-wing press ruthlessly targeted Lib Dem ministers in an effort to bring down the coalition.

9. Michael Gove announced the end of many school-building projects, reading from a hastily compiled list of schools whose funding would be removed that had been revised three times. It was clear the policy had not been carefully thought through.

10. Michael Gove expanded Labour's Academy programme to include high achieving schools. When asked what differences pupils would find at the new academies headteachers indicated 'not much'.

11. The economy ground to a halt as George Osborne imposed a swift programme of cuts and tax rises: a second recession appears to have been narrowly escaped. The coalition claimed the UK was on the verge of bankruptcy, a stance which has yet to be evidenced and appears to have knocked consumer confidence. Osborne later mysteriously found a spare £7bn to lend to Ireland.

12. The Armed Forces were cut savagely in a swift Strategic Defence Review, seemingly predicated on the idea that the UK would not be doing war for the next ten years. Cameron then immediately led a campaign to attack Colonel Gaddafi's forces who were brutally suppressing protests in Libya. Much of the miltary hardware assigned to the campaign was due to be taken out of service. RAF Tornadoes flew the longest mission since the Falklands in an effort to fire bunker-busting missiles at Gaddafi's compounds.

13. Mr. Cameron was reprimanded for consistently quoting false statistics in parliament.

14. The government was forced to curtail a sell-off of England's publicly-owned forests in the face of fierce cross-party opposition.

15. Andrew Lansley announced sweeping changes to the NHS which contradicted everything the Prime Minister had said during the election campaign. Cameron announced there would be a 'pause' in the process to 'listen and reflect' just prior to council elections in England.

16. The Prime Minister criticised a lack of applications for Royal Wedding street parties, blaming too much red tape. He perhaps forgot that the Criminal Justice Bill, introduced by the last Conservative government, effectively outlawed parties.

17. The Budget imposed savage cuts to council spending. Cameron's government then blamed the inevitable redundancies and closed services on mismanagement and inefficiency, even suggesting that the closure of libraries would be a survival of the fittest.

18. Made a speech in Munich (!) criticising multi-culturalism.

19. Made a speech prior to the local elections re-announcing his heavily compromised immigration policy. Journalists accused him of naked electioneering.

20. Mr. Cameron claimed that the Alternative Vote system would help the BNP. Oddly the BNP appeared to oppose the system. Cameron emphasised the need for winners in the first round of a contest to be elected, despite finishing second, to David Davis, in the first round of his own leadership poll.

21. In an ill-judged moment of temper he told Labour's Angela Eagle to 'Calm down dear' as he was barracked by Labour's front bench at Prime Minister's Questions.

22. The Conservative vote held up well in the English Council elections as the Liberal Democrats were punished heavily for entering the coalition. Cameron also won the AV referendum by a clear majority of 2:1 against. The Conservatives came a distant 2nd in the Welsh Assembly and were nowhere in Scotland.

Cameron v Miliband PMQs 11th May 2011

David Cameron is an average speech-maker and campaigner but he really comes to life in single combat, he likes to dominate and control interviews whilst occasionally flashing his jokey, human side. His personal speciality is Prime Minister's Questions, the weekly Westminster bloodsport.

He learnt his trade as adviser to a number of Tory leaders then let loose his talent on Tony Blair and Gordon Brown when he ascended to Leader of the Opposition. He was particularly successful against the monolithic Brown whom he teased, angered, embarrassed and humiliated with a sharp wit and pre-planned attacks, silencing the ranks of Labour MPs and encouraging the idea that Brown was a short-tempered bully. Brown victories in the chamber were rare and he was noted for injudicious statements that came back to bite him, such as his infamous 'bringing an end to boom and bust' just prior to the financial crisis. PMQs became Cameron's ground.

When Harriet Harman took temporary charge for Labour, Cameron was befuddled by her po-faced, analytical style. Perhaps he felt awkward facing a woman. He needed someone who would blunder into the traps he carefully prepared, not skilfully avoid them. Ed Miliband initially replicated this questioning style. The chamber fell quiet and again Cameron struggled to find an angle of attack. However he learnt quickly and went on the offensive with name-calling and triumphant domination of the agenda. Miliband became more emotive, to try and whip-up his own side, with mixed results. His performances being portrayed as poorly scripted, novice efforts by Cameron. Cameron scored well with Miliband also doing well at times. However this is the focus of the week for the opposition and only victories will do.

Miliband learnt from Tony Blair's performances in opposition, becoming more strident; confidently setting his agenda. Cameron attempted to emulate Thatcher and to an extent Prime Minister Blair by dismissing the opposition and belittling their politics. Both Blair and Thatcher had crushing majorities to back them up but Cameron only has sombre Lib Dems and uneasy backbenchers, unsure of his right-wing credentials.

Miliband has started to edge ahead. Ed Balls heckles the Prime Minister while George Osborne feeds Cameron lines, occasionally even delivering them himself! Nick Clegg tends to sit disinterestedly, occasionally solemnly nodding.

At yesterday's PMQs, 11th May 2011, Miliband completely trounced Cameron by focussing on the NHS reforms. Cameron had no answers and was portrayed as an out-of-date public school bully, Flashman, when he appeared het-up. Seeing Cameron struggle was a delight for Labour. Cameron turned to his backbenchers for support but found none: stunned silence. The first outright victory at PMQs for Labour, perhaps since Blair last led them.

A Brief Interview with the Prime Minister, Mr. David Cameron, as He Reaches One Year in Office

Peter Snootles: So Prime Minister, you've been in office for almost a year, what are your thoughts?

David Cameron: I like the power but I'm not so keen on being booed! We're just trying to implement the Thatcherite policies that everyone loved in the 80s but with a 21st century marketing strategy. I don't understand why people have a problem with that. In my world everything is black or white, right or wrong. There's none of that wishy-washy stuff like Tony Blair: in my view Thatcher was right and our policies are right.

Peter: In the election campaign you were quite ardent that the NHS would not be changed in any way under a Conservative administration. In government you have immediately set out plans to sell it off and break it up. Explain.

David: I recognise that the NHS is very important to people. Millions of people are employed by the NHS and we needed their votes to win an election. On the day of the election I immediately realised that my statements were misleading and could have been misconstrued: I apologise for that. The NHS needs radical reform if we're to lower taxes in the future. Andrew Lansley has been planning his changes for the last 13 years so it would be a shame to call him off now.

Peter: Nevertheless, you are reviewing the policy?

David: Yes, I'm saving the NHS from these despicable reforms.

Peter: Nothing to do with Nick Clegg?

David: No, the changes are mine, but they'll most likely be quite light and superficial: that's the way I roll!

Peter: So you are saving the NHS from your own reforms?

David: Yes.

Peter: In opposition you made great play of a perceived lack of support for the Armed Forces by Gordon Brown.

David: That's true.

Peter: Yet as soon as you gained power you made scything cuts to the Defence budget.

David: The Labour government wasted billions on defence and embarked on controversial wars that were hugely unpopular.

Peter: You supported the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and the Iraq conflict could not have proceeded without Conservative support in the House of Commons. You have now embarked on a war in Libya.

David: Our involvement in Libya is really a token gesture. I couldn't let Sarkozy take all the credit! We have committed a few planes, a couple of ships and a submarine. They'll all be sold off when they return home.

Peter: David Cameron, Prime Minister of Great Britain, thank you for joining me.

Maggie Thatcher's Guide to Government

Part 1
1.1 Make big cuts to public expenditure.
1.2 Try to hide the cuts by having a royal wedding and get involved in a war you should easily win against a mediocre regime, preferably one you have previously sold arms to. (This advertises your latest range of arms over the previous generation and will help compensate arms companies facing defence cut-backs.)
1.3 Run down, sell off and close all state-owned industry. (This gives the treasury a large cash windfall for pre-election tax cuts.)
1.4 Set up enterprise zones to look like you care about run-down areas.
1.5 Gerrymander constituency boundaries to ensure your opponent's support is heavily diluted.
1.6 Belittle your opponents and take strong for or against stances on every issue.

Part 2
2.1 Lower taxes
2.2 Continue to under-fund all public services and infrastructure.
2.3 Move long-term unemployed, created by the sell-off of industry, onto disability benefit to reduce the unemployment figure.
2.4 Get into bed with France and the US to cater for big cuts in defence spending.
2.5 Continue to privatise and sell off services and infrastructure owned by the state. By now they will be appallingly poorly funded so the service provided will be poor.
2.6 Try to engineer social change through taxation.
2.7 Go ahead with one large-scale infrastructure project that will grab headlines.

Remember to play to your base, the well-off in Southern England. Attract poorer voters with self-improvement rhetoric, 'You can be rich too!'.

When the economic cycle reaches recession you will eventually be voted out.

J-Ro Meets Paltrow (Jonathan Ross Interviews Gwyneth Paltrow)

Jonathan is wearing a blue suit with yellow shirt and striped tie.
Gwyneth is wearing a black miniskirt, loose black top and 4 inch heels.

J-Ro: Phwooaww, yaw well fit you are!

Rubs Trousers

Gwyneth: Errr....thank you. I didn't know you cared.

Jonathan jumps up on his desk and starts to gyrate his pelvis.

J-Ro: I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it.

Jonathan gets down.

J-Ro: Make mine a pint of Gwyneth with a smooth, creamy head! What's it like being so fit?

Gwyneth: I'm starring opposite Robert Downey Junior in 'Iron Man'. Robert's a fantastic actor.

J-Ro: I bet he's constantly trying to look up your skirt, the sly old fox!

Gwyneth: My husband would not approve of that! Robert's a real gentleman and a great actor.

J-Ro: What's it like having such fit legs? I definitely would.

Gwyneth: Some parts of the film were improvised, which was a great challenge for serious actors like myself and Robert. Robert's a great actor. My husband is also very devoted to me and our children. He takes them out and plays with them. We're just like a regular couple. We're rarely apart, apart from when I'm filming or he's touring.

J-Ro: I've got kids, you've had kids, and yet I'd still like to take you back to my place for some good old-fashioned hanky-panky.

Gwyneth: My husband is a very caring man. I'm normal. My film is 'Iron Man' where I star opposite Robert Downey Junior. Filming was a lot of fun.

J-Ro: It's OK, my wife doesn't mind, she's a 21st century kind of woman.

Gwyneth: I'm pretty normal. It's so nice to be here in England. London is so quaint!

J-Ro: Gwyneth Paltrow, it's been great having you on the show. Hasn't she been great everyone?

They brush cheeks as Gwyneth exits to applause.

J-Ro: And now it's time for my next guest. Mr Wicky Gerwais!

Questions and Answers with Education Secretary Michael Gove

Simon Lime: You've cancelled Labour's school-building programme, claiming it was grossly inefficient and costly. What are you proposing instead?

Michael Gove: I'm glad you've asked me this question Simon. Yes, the shockingly wasteful Labour government spent millions of pounds on pointlessly ambitious school buildings with top class facilities and inspiring architecture. I have a raft of proposals that will radically reform the schools system and provide more new schools for a fraction of the cost.

Simon: What are your proposals?

Michael: We propose special education zones where building regulations can be relaxed to allow companies and collectives to develop ultra-cheap school buildings for the poor. Since the sad decline in factory farming many chicken sheds and such-like have fallen out of use. These disused environments could be converted into Free Schools for disadvantaged children. They may lack windows and central heating but think of the savings in bills and maintenance. THE POOR MUST BE EDUCATED!

The 'chicken shed' approach would allow for much larger classes, thus cutting the number of teachers required. Also, by doing away with chairs and tables the space can double as a sports hall.

Simon: What are the changes you want to see in the school curriculum?

Michael:  I want to see a return to traditional values in education. The Romans, the Victorians, go-getters, the Royals, long division, spelling tests, Latin, reeling off world capital cities, solving equations by hand, learning facts by heart, that kind of thing.

Simon: So no history of the atom bomb, either of the Great Wars or industrialisation? No mention of socialism, communism or revolution, and no analysis of slavery, colonialisation and unionisation.

Michael: No, none of that, strictly non-twentieth century stuff, it's not proper history because it's just too recent and not relevant. We want tales of grandeur, splendour, battles won, battles lost. Nothing too nuanced.

Simon: You wouldn't like to acknowledge the birth of the internet and home computing?

Michael: No you see that is partly where we've gone wrong. All this technology has taken away our ability to remember facts. Text speak and mobile phones have corrupted our language, we should be independent of computers and technology, not dependent.

Simon:  So you don't acknowledge technology of the last 60 years?

Michael:  I use it, but you know, what's wrong with a pen and paper?

Simon: Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Education, thank you.